I have always been one to make my own birthday/holiday cards. I don't know how normal people get a job at hallmark but consider this my audition. (I haven't drawn the corresponding pictures for it but if someone is super talented and wants to go into business I think we have some real winners here, get in touch.)
You have farted approximately 5110 this year.
Good luck on the next 5110!
GRADUATION (High School)
Congratulations on completing the longest four years of your life!
That is before the next four years, and then the next after that, and who are we kidding, the rest of your life is an endless march until you die.
Good job passing those standardized tests!
I got you this card!
Because after spending thousands of dollars on a degree you don't know what to do with, what you really want is a piece of card stock instead of a full time job with health benefits.
I acknowledge you are celebrating an occasion in which people act in festive manners.
Get Well Soon
I hear you have fallen sick,
Is it contagious?
Did you have it when we shared that sandwich last week?
What exactly are you sick with?
Susan was unsure if it was the flu or food poisoning.
Please send me an email with your answers.
Oh and get well soon I guess.
But seriously though, the email, Susan is useless for gossip.
You engaged in intercourse and created life.
Once I left some pasta in a tupperware for a month and it grew mould.
So I think we both know how this feels.
So I will patiently wait by my email for a greeting card company to come and offer me all the money for these lovely gems. Or, more likely I will wait for someone much more clever than me to steal my clever gems and make money off them without sharing because that is how my life works.