We've all been there right? You watch Grease, or Mamma Mia or Chicago and you find yourself thinking, "Man, I would like to use songs to deal with my inexpressible emotions!" Or "Man, wouldn't it be nice if my lawyer would just sing a song to get me off of murder charges!" or "Man, I want Pierce Brosnan to yell to me from the bottom of a cliff, begging me to forgive him."
But alas, we can't all be that lucky. We have boring lawyers, Pierce doesn't know we exist and our emotions are repressed with layers of pizza and ice cream.
Wouldn't it be fun to learn HOW the people in the musical worlds do it though? Here are a few tricks to make your musical lives a little bit more likely.
Step One: Perfect Your Dreamy "Off in the distance" stare
You cannot start a musical number without first staring off into the distance and awaiting your musical cue. It is the most important part.
STEP TWO: Bring a BoomBox with you everywhere you go
You are going to need a bunch of instrumental songs all cued up so you can push play at any given moment. Try to prepare your CD with a range of happy, sad, romantic and sneaky. Those are the four most important emotions in a musical.
STEP THREE: Sing as loud as you can no matter the proximity to another human
Do you ever notice that in musicals they are singing full out even though the only person in the room is literally three inches from their face? That whit must get loud. But, if you want to live the life you have to embrace the life.
STEP FOUR: Force people to dance with you
A musical is nothing without a snappy dance number. The fact that they may not do the exact thing you are will not matter once the number of people included grows to the entire surrounding population. No one can judge you if they are all too busy dancing.
STEP FIVE: Learn to tune out the boos and hisses
Will you have some haters? Of course, who doesn't. There are at least 45 people who hate me at any given moment. I mean probably. I don't actually know because I tend to ignore everyone who isn't constantly showering me in compliments. But if you want to live in a musical you have to ignore everyone else. Unless they are the main villain in your story, then you will have to force them to sing their own song with a lot of minor chords. Work on that.
STEP SIX: Submit yourself willingly to all psychological assessments
I've learned that it's easier just to go with the flow and let the white coats ask you the questions. They will likely let you go because you are not a danger to anyone but your own self.