My brain is kind of fried trying to write this sample and query letter, so I was looking through my old drafts for something to spark some creativity. Enjoy! Man I miss having chips...
Texting with Winston the Pug.
Me: Hey buddy, whatcha doing?
Me: Don't fucking lie to me what are you doing?
Winston: Busy talk later.
Me: What the hell could you possibly be doing you live in the house and never leave unless I take you somewhere.
Winston: Dude, respect my privacy I am busy.
Me: We will see about that I will be home in three minutes and if you did something bad I will know.
Me: Almost home.
Me: On our street
Winston: Okay, I am not busy anymore but you should know someone broke into the house while you were gone and ate the bag of chips you left on the table. I tried to stop them but they were a lot bigger than me. They threatened to kill everyone I love so I had to let them eat the chips lest you be murdered.
Winston: I am not lying.
Me: Okay, sure I believe you.
Me: No you little shit there are probably chips stuck in your eyebrows.
You know what is fun?
Middle of the week insomnia.
For literally no reason.
I am awake but I don't want to be.
I am not tired but I do want to be.
Things that run through my head when I can't sleep:
Good night sweet internet, thanks for keeping me company with your weirdness tonight.
Once upon a time, in a far off place, in Northern Iowa, a young man was learning how to read. He was taught by a brilliant teacher who tried to explain to him how to become a part of the story.
She said that if he went into an empty bathtub on a Thursday afternoon with a full bucket of chicken, that he would wake up inside the story you have been reading.
He didn't believe her at first, but after reading the entire Harry Potter series he figured it was worth a shot. He bought a bucket of chicken and made his way to his bathtub on one lovely Thursday afternoon. He sat there for a few moments, and as he began to laugh at himself he turned his head and realized he was no longer sitting in his bathtub, he was sitting in the Great Hall of Hogwarts.
He looked down and saw that the bucket of chicken he had been holding had turned into a notebook and quill, and the dimly lit bathroom nothing but a memory.
He was relieved he had waited until this book to try out the theory as the previous week he had read The Shining. Although a new concern quickly crossed his mind. How would he get back to his bathtub?
Almost immediately he realized that he didn't care because he was at Hogwarts and who would ever want to go back. He ran out of the Great Hall and spoke to as many characters as he could, whether he recognized them or not and realized that he had been successfully transported to Hogwarts. He looked around a corner and saw his teacher standing with a clever smirk on her face. She tipped her hat and winked and walked back up the hall disappearing in a sparkling mist.
He never came back from the wizarding world. He stayed there forever and loved every moment of it. Eventually he fell in love with a lovely witch and they moved to Ireland and set up a small farm where they would grow magical plants and keep shetland ponies.
By that, I mean IKEA.
I spend too much time on Pinterest to be allowed in an IKEA alone. Let's just say, it went...well?
I am currently preparing for the complete overhaul of my home office so that I will have a nice place to write and you know, ponder the brilliant thoughts rolling around in that gear box I call brain.
Example of the brilliance: how to monetize a horse bridle that will put a unicorn horn on them so that you can use them at birthday parties. Unicorns+Children=guaranteed fortune.
You get the picture. I need a space that is clean, organized and much more colour coordinated than it currently is.
So far, I have actually accomplished a few things. I went to home depot and bought a 2X12X16 and had it cut into six shelves and then figured out how to use stain (really not that hard but I may have still messed up because I am real smart.) They don't seem to be drying properly, but whatever they have about a week still to sort them selves out.
I also started spray painting the brackets I bought at IKEA bronze-ish but have since run out of spray paint because I also spray painted my dinosaur bank (I am an adult just a very special kind of adult) to match.
I managed to mess up my picture frames I had painted because who knew, but stain flicks off the brush sometimes and will splatter your pretty chalk painted frames. I will have to repaint those a bit, but moral of the story is I actually accomplished things.
Today I was going to be more productive but instead I slept all day and then watch some shitty movie so netflix would stop recommending it to me and then went to walmart to purchase Lego Avengers. It has already broken my heart like twice because I had to play the level where Bucky died. Why you gotta make me feel the things marvel? You know it breaks my programming.
Anyways, This is just a random update so that you all know that I don't only sit on my ass and watch Friends all the way through five times, I ALSO stand in a fume-ridden basement poisoning myself slowly spray painting dinosaurs and stuff.
If anyone has any really good office design ideas please send them my way! Or send it to me on Pinterest because then I can pin it to my office board because I am that girl now, I would be more upset with it but I am too busy hanging bars to dangle potted plants from sorry.
Things you should do on a Saturday:
Nothing else is permissible.
So I am trying to work on the introduction for a book. I need to write a sample for this submission-feedback thing I am doing by next week. I am having horrible doubts about my stuff so instead I am going to write some purposefully terrible introduction sentences here so I hopefully just expel them from my system. That makes sense right?
She came into this world screaming, crying and covered in sauce and she will leave this world screaming, crying and probably covered in sauce.
What's a girl like you writing a book like this?
My name is Tanya and I have an addiction to ice cream and sarcasm.
The universe played a cruel joke on my loved ones when it presented little Tanya to them. However, 27 years later the joke isn't funny anymore and everyone is still forced to deal with her.
If you don't continue reading this book you will have bad luck for 4 years.
Crafty, introverted, sarcastic girl with uncontrollable hair seeks patient, understanding, quirky friend to discuss Harry Potter, Marvel movies, and ice cream flavours.
Read my book you jerk.
How are those? Quality introductions right? Can we all just acknowledge that this is not going to go very well?
Tomorrow I am taking my very first writing class.
By class, I mean it is a short Webinar that I don't even have to wear a bra for I think because I just get to stay home and as far as I know they cannot see me.
This is very exciting for me because it feels kind of proactive and also kind of scary. Mostly because it will be the first interaction with writers and agents.
Here is what is going through my mind right now:
Nerves: Hey so, but what if, umm, so what if they don't like you?
Determination: What if who doesn't like you literally no one will see you?
Nerves: Well, they might not appreciate the fact that you are a fraud.
Hope: But what if you do talk to them and it goes well? That is a nice opportunity.
Negativity: That won't happen, don't be dumb.
Hunger: Is it time for a snack yet?
Determination: You can snack when you go to the gym regularly.
Hunger: THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!
Hope: That isn't true, you can do it!
Hunger: I AM WASTING AWAY!
Nerves: What if I faint during the course because of starvation?
Determination: You are not starving, you literally just ate like an hour ago, you are more than fine.
Hunger: But what about the ice cream!? Where are the fudgecicles!
Determination: When you learn to eat fudgecicles like a normal human and not like a gross chocolate vacuum you can have one.
Everyone: WHAT DO YOU WANT
Creativity: Can you all keep it down? I am trying to do a thing over here and your yelling about snacks and doubts are really putting a damper on my fun.
Determination: I will keep them in line *cracks knuckles*
Nerves: *swallows audibly*
Hunger: I want a fudgecicle still.
Determination: *punches hunger* Carry on Creativity, you can do this probably.
Creativity: Thanks I think?
So award season is upon us and with that begins the endless parade of beautiful people in beautiful clothes celebrating beautiful films. However I thought that I may propose some alternates of things that I thought we important and maybe you can all vote on them? Deal? Deal.
Dear My Bed,
Why are you so comfy in the mornings and not at night?
How do you force me to stay in you?
Are you working with my dogs to team up against me?
Please release me from your comfortable clutches.