You know what doesn't look cute on the hanger? Dresses bigger than a size 4. I love you Modcloth but your sizing makes me feel like garbage. I don't even want to try on the dress yet because I don't think my self esteem can handle it today because just by looking at it, I can tell it will still be snug.
Why can't I be one of those horrible people who have crazy fast metabolisms and can eat anything without ever stopping or gaining any weight? Instead I am one of those chumps who can eat 1200 calories in a day and STILL gain weight.
It is pretty stupid but it is also my fault. I tend to try to eat the allotted calories that will allow me to lose weight, and I will work out, but only for two days, then get immediately sad when I don't wake up as a size two and then eat a tub of ice-cream. For some weird reason this doesn't seem to be conducive to weight loss.
I did go to the gym today. I did a fair amount of weight lifting so tomorrow I won't be able to reach above my head so I have that to look forward to. I am currently trying to work on getting my heart rate to stay at a lower level. I am trying to do the "Fat Burn" option on the treadmill because that is my main concern right now, but it goes by heart rate and I am pretty sure my standing heart rate is almost at the level that they want it to be to lose weight.
I know this means I am just THAT out of shape, but I don't understand how to fix it. I guess the way to fix it is not to give up after two days but it is really hard when you don't wake up in Jennifer Lawrence's body. If I could trade bodies with anyone for one day I think I would pick hers. But I wouldn't want to force her to be stuck in mine so we would have to set up some weird domino exchange policy where I get hers and then she could borrow say, Emma Watson, who would go a classy route like Meryl Steep who would go crazy and go for Jennifer Lopez who would try something completely opposite from her body and go for an Olsen Twin who would likely go for someone as original as possible (you know after a life of being a twin) like a Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga would probably want to go even crazier and go for like, Richard Simmons who would want to go for someone buff like Arnold Schwarzenegger, who would want someone buff but younger, like Chris Hemsworth who would probably go for someone like Benedict Cumberbatch because he would want the lack of upper body weight. Those muscles must be heavy, dreamy but heavy. So Now we have a whole big line of weird soulless bodies in a pile, and then you just know someone would come and steal them for their own purposes so we would have to get people to fill them for the time being. Like seat fillers at the oscars. Except body fillers to prevent someone from living in the celebrity bodies while they made room for me to have one day in a beautiful body.
This took a weird turn. I don't even want to reread this to see if there are mistakes be this whole thing was a mistake.
Did you read this? You are crazy. You can have my body... You earned it. I don't really need it back. I don't think JLaw would mind. As long as she takes her acting talents with her I am sure she would be okay.
Please don't make me go.
I really don't want to work.
Fake smiles kill me.
I have discussed this before in detail but for some reason the world just doesn't seem to listen. It's as though my tiny blogs read only by a small number of people aren't getting through to the general populous.
I want to know what is the mind set of a person who enters a public bathroom. What decides which stall you will take. None of it is going to be prime real estate I can guarantee you that. It is all pretty gross. Now, short of an un-flushed toilet or a mysterious liquid on the ground they are assumedly all the same.
When you enter an empty washroom, you get the run of the place. You choose which ever tiny pee-cubicle pleases you most. The moment there is another human in the room, you need to watch where you go.
It is only common sense that you should, when given the opportunity, not choose the stall (or urinal I assume this would be just as horrible) directly beside the one currently in use.
If you are in a bathroom with three or more stalls and you have a chance to not pee within a foot of another human even though there is a metal divider between you, take it. I have no desire in any weird recess of my mind to hear what your urine stream sounds like. The only thing I want to do is pee and return to my movie, shopping, meal or what have you that I am engaging in that requires me to use a public washroom.
Public situations are horrible enough, then to have to be forced to use a public washroom and have to hear someone peeing right beside you, or you know... the other thing, is just gross.
There should be a universally understood rule that in a washroom environment, you always put one buffer stall in between people, until that washroom is too full and then feel free to use every stall I am not some kind of monster that will force you to wait until stall 3 opens up before you can relieve yourself after drinking a 4L soda while watching the most recent Melissa Mcarthy comedyt. I understand the need to urinate and I understand that sometimes you are forced to pick that stall. But when you are in an empty bathroom - as evidenced by me tonight at the movies - and you pick the stall next to me to let out a big ol' fart... just... come on.
My Best Friend Crystal is a very well-read individual. She reads more than anyone I know who isn't a fictional character. This year she was talking about this reading challenge thing that seemed very cool. You have 50 categories that totals out to 52 books (one category is a trilogy). It sounded very fun to me at the time because reading is always something I want to do but never make the time for it.
I started late but because I had been in Cuba and read nearly five books in a week I was still on track. I am currently one book behind schedule having read 10 books so far but I think I will be able to catch up because one category is a graphic novel so I can read that super quick and be caught up.
So far this year I have read around three thousandish pages of text. At least according to the very ridiculous spreadsheet I made. If there is anything my OCD mother taught me was, compulsive calorie awareness, and spreadsheet making. We love a good chart. You should see what happens if we make calorie charts. SHIT GETS INTENSE.
Anyways the point of the story is.... Well I was hoping I was going to think of a point by the time I got to the end of the sentence but I got distracted by the fact that I want ice-cream. Crap.
The main point (I guess) is that I think I might be proud of myself for trying to do this. I will likely not read all 52 books because that's a lot of books. But even trying is more then I would have been capable of five to ten years ago. In high school I couldn't even finish one book in the entire four year span let alone ten books in eleven weeks. PROGRESS!
Now if only I could write a book as quick as I could read one. Then I could stop working at a job I hate with a schedule I hate with situations I hate. I am a hateful person I guess but that is just another Pro into the "Tanya working alone in the safety of her own home" category I think.
Anyways I need to go find some food type things. Perhaps I will go to the store. If anyone wants to provide me with book suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Nothing too crazy long, I am a robot but as previously mentioned, a shitty one who can't really compute too well.
As previous mentioned I tend to wear a lot of sweatpants. So instead of being a fancy , girlie girl, I tend to just wear baggy clothing with ice-cream stains on them. I do my best to try to become slightly more presentable for situations that require social interactions but let's be honest, I don't do very well even when I try my best.
I have been spending too much time on the internet lately. I shouldn't be allowed on Pinterest because it gives me too many ideas that I am incapable of accomplishing. Between the hair styles and the outfits other people are capable of pulling off it just leaves me feeling super inadequate.
Is there a way to make sweatpants and greasy hair look put-together? Only on super models I think... not on frumpy twenty-somethings who are just lazy.
My current outfit includes a pair of slipper socks, leggings that are covered in dog hair, a t-shirt that says "If all else fails nap" and a sweater that doesn't fit nicely at all but I was cold and I am trying to do laundry so I have nothing else.
I am watching 3rd Rock from the Sun, Sally just said "I can Woman" unconvincingly. That is how I feel a lot of the time. I feel exactly like Sally Solomon, an Alien trapped in a body she as no idea how to use. Except my body is not a 6 foot tall mega-babe. I look more like Harry Solomon with the height of young Tommy... that is a better comparison.
I watch too much television. I should probably learn to be a woman right? I think I am going to try. I ordered a dress for my little cousin's fundraiser so we will see how that fits and if it goes well then I have an excellent source of pretty clothes I actually like. That might help. I don't enjoy going into public places so I prefer online shopping.
That way I can be antisocial and not shop in public but on the occasions when forced to enter an environment with other humans, I can hopefully be dressed in adorable outfits that will make me look like a confident, pretty woman instead of an uneasy twelve year old boy.
So if anyone on the internet has some good tips on dressing like a grown-up or at least dressing in a way that doesn't look like I am trying to be forever fourteen I would greatly appreciate it.
The power has gone out at my house and it is most unfortunate because I recently began really venturing into the true joy that is the Modcloth online store and have been looking at every single category. How dare my power not respect my need to online shop. Also, my phone only has half power but I need it to stay alive until morning because I need an alarm so I can remember to wake up early enough so I can clean my house before the house showing tomorrow because I was too busy online shopping for hours to do it. I literally have ben looking at one website since about 6pm. It is currently 11:37 pm. I have 37% left on my laptop and no power in the house to see anything else that isn't illuminated by the romantic blue haze that is the screen.
One dog is barking and that has woken up the other. That is irritating but I am more concerned thatI saw a spider disappear behind my light fixture on my ceiling not moments before the power went out. My only assumption is that he is the cause of the outage in a ploy to attack me at my most vulnerable.
Three minutes later:
Power has once again returned to this small home of mine. It was ahort outage but irritating none the less because I have now lost my page on the site and also because it is the third or fourth outage today. Get your shit together Canada…. This winter has got to end. I am sick of snow and sick of rain that is so cold it makes your skin hurt. The wind is so cold and harsh that when you get out of your car to pump gas it literally hurts your hand if you forget to wear gloves. And random power outages caused by whatever causes power outages... I don't pay too much attention to things that I don't really need to know about.
I need winter to end… but more importantly, I need to locate and eradicate the ceiling spider…
I am currently in the process of procrastinating the commencement of writing a book. What does that mean? It means I have about 8000 ideas and zero know-how of how to actually accomplish anything.
Do you have any idea how scary it is to think about the fact that you are writing something you care about and people might actually one day read it? They might even like it! Or more likely, they will hate it and spread vicious internet rumors about the health of your kidneys.
My kidneys are fine. Most days. Whatever, none of your business.
I am trying to get motivated to write any of the books I have either started, or started to plan but I just can't do it. I need to get some professional help but I can't afford that so instead I will type random words into the internet and hope it gives me enough motivation to write something worthwhile.
Here are some new steps to get me motivated to write:
How do smart people do it? They must have mini fridges within arms reach. I feel that would save me a lot of time. It is so far to the freezer. I bet J.K. Rowling enjoys the occasional fudgecicle. She knows what's up.
I am a robot - but a shitty one. I am like a defective Roomba that doesn't clean it just eats your socks. Then it gets clogged and breaks because a Roomba is not built to clean up your socks. Clean up your own damn socks. The socks are a metaphor. See how good at painting word pictures I am?
Let's pretend that never happened.
Anyways. I am a Robot that tried to do stuff its not supposed to do and then essentially blows up. What kinds of things do my robot programming allow me to do? Write, obviously, look at this gold. I am also supposed to wear sweatpants and/or other pants that are non-restrictive and comfortable. I am also supposed to eat ice cream and hang out with only people I like which, let's be honest, are few and far between.
Instead I am forced to work like a crazy person at a job where no one likes me and get bossed around even though I am in all reality the boss. So explain that one to me the internet.
So either I need to change my robot programming to better enjoy being a piece of garbage robot that can somehow learn to pick up dirty socks, or I need to be relocated to a place where I can actually do what I am built for, light dusting and let's be real here, mostly just to carry around cats so they can become internet celebrities.
I am trying I guess. Not really, I am always saying that I am trying but in all honesty I have taken no real actions towards getting better at what I want to do. Although I did start this blog! PROGRESS! Also I entered a writing contest that I have very minimal chance of even being considered but you know what I tried and that is something.
Moral of the story is, I am not going to pick up your damn socks forever world so you better buy a new robot. Or I mean, try to get that maid robot from the Jetson's because she seems to be alright.