Imagine if my dog Winston had a rap career? I feel like that would be the music best suited to his personality. What kind of songs would Winston write?
ThE Other Dogg
Super Sweet, Such a Scheme.
Never Nasty, Noteworthy
Agile and Adored,
Acrobatic and Awkward.
Reliable and Ready.
Fabulous and Flawless,
Fun, Free, Fearless
I am S to the N to the A the R the F
The other D O Double G
I'm the very best.
I have never actually dated properly. I have been in the same relationship since I was 16... So clearly the most qualified person to give you advice on your interactions that may or may not lead to a relationship is this guy. Here are some fool proof dating tips from someone who knows absolutely nothing.
Don't Order the Most Expensive Dish, Order the dish with the greasiest amount of food
You always hear that you should order something fancy so they know you are a class act worth the big bucks, at least that is what 90s television taught me. Instead, my suggestion is to order the biggest most greasiest meal possible. At a steakhouse? You get that big ol' steak and baked potato with literally every topping on it. You go to a Mexican place? Devour that Burrito smothered in cheese sauce and four kinds of meat. You go to a fast food place (The perfect place for a first date) and you get at least two kinds of meat burgers and the biggest size fry possible. If they can't tolerate you at your most gluttonous... what is the point?
Look a Medium amount of good
For the ladies, don't wear your best dress on the first date. Wear you third or forth best dress. Save the best dress for a latter date when they have deemed themselves worthy. For the Gents, look good, smell good, don't be perfect though. It's about managing expectations guys. If you set this immediate standard of perfection you will never be able to regain that and then you will just always be swimming against the current.
Don't take it all so seriously
Here is the most important advice I can possibly think of. Dating is kind of shitty from what I hear, there is a lot of shitty humans in any situation, but when you are trying to find someone to spend more time with and trust that is even harder. Try not to force it, and just try to have fun. If they turn out to be awful, make the date AS AWFUL as possible. At least then you will have a hilarious story for your future memoir or podcast right?
So there you have it. Dating advice from someone who has never dated. If you have any other advice you think people should know feel free to share it in the comments!
Everyone fits into a Hogwarts House. That is how it works. If you don't know which house you fit into, then I mean, you probably aren't on this website because we have nothing in common.
If you are trying to figure out what to eat for dinner tonight I have some suggestions based on your Hogwarts House.
Here is what you should eat right now based on your Hogwarts house:
Enjoy your dinner everyone! There are going to be a lot of full people tonight.
Holiday Mondays are a trap.
You think you can go do some shopping at Costco.
But instead it's too busy so you abandon your cart in front of a BBQ.
You know what makes Sunday's fun? When Monday is a holiday.
Especially after a weekend of floods, and being sick, and not sleeping.
I have another chance for snoozing. Do you know what this means!?
It means nothing,
Because chances are I won't sleep again.
Why don't I sleep?
Because when you are sick, you can't breathe. When you can't breathe, you can't sleep because you are mostly afraid of dying in your sleep.
Here is a trick to help soothe yourself to sleep when you can't breathe.
Repeat to yourself this phrase over and over again:
If you make it through the night, you can eat ice cream for breakfast.
It has got me this far. It should help you out too.
I am here to reveal the secrets of your future! Come, sit before me and learn the truth and majesty that will become your reality. Please, pick one of the cards from the list, your selection will reveal your true destiny...
Pick a Card:
Your future is very clear to me, I see one child who really hates playing outside and also an SUV with seat warmers.
The Tenis Ball
Ahh, your future holds something most interesting. A Franchise Opportunity of a burrito joint.
The Dried Leaf
Beware dear friend, you have some dangers in your future. You will order a pizza and it will absolutely burn the roof of your mouth.
The Flattened Pillow
For you I see a calm and organized future, one filled with file folders and paper clips.
The Tap Dancing Turtle
Chaos may fall upon you if you are not wary of strangers in yellow hats.
The Half Empty Toilet Paper Roll
Your future is a challenge for me sweet friend, however what I do see is at mid-sized dog licking your face. You are very lucky.
The Moist Toilette
You will go on an adventure to far off lands, whether that be through actual travel or via Netflix is up to you.
The Paper Lantern
For you, a life of intrigue and suspicion may become your focus. However do not allow it to consume you or you will miss all of the dogs you could be petting.
The Cookie Jar
Your life is on a path that will present you with a fork. Choose one way and everything you ever wished of will come true, and the other way is a lot easier but probably boring.
The Tupperware of Leftovers
One day in the not too distant future you will be presented with an opportunity. I suggest you take it, as it will be well catered.
Pipes, you are being stupid.
Why you gotta be so mean Pipes?
I thought we were friends.
You let me travel to some special lands sometimes when I am pretending I am a moustachioed plumber.
You let me go to weird under water lands when I am a weird dinosaur guy carrying around an ugly whiney baby.
You used to even let me go to the bathroom without leaking all over.
What changed, Pipes, What changed?
Don't pretend like you didn't mean to do it, all you had to do was function. That was your one job.
Now I need to deal with insurance companies and stuff.
Uncool Pipes. real uncool.
Why does the easter bunny lay eggs?
Well, the story of this is, a long time ago a bunny made out with a duck and the duck was sick. He had a problem where he was highly contagious so when they made out the bunny caught what the duck's disease. However what no one ever knew before, even science, was that laying eggs is actually a disease not a thing of nature. So part of the disease the bunny got was that he lay eggs. To make the eggs less disgusting, he started swallowing homemade tablets of food colouring that explode in his stomach acid and splatters on the eggs. So the become pretty and also disgusting.
Thats the story of the easter bunny. He gives out the eggs because he wants other people to be infected so everyone will lay eggs and people will stop making fun of him.
I am pretty sure this is what happens when you take muscle relaxants and caffeinated chocolate. This is the day I am having.
I don't know what kind,
Of poem to write today.
Should it be a haiku?
Or maybe one that rhymes?
Iambic Pentameter is nice,
But hard to do.
Maybe I can just free write,
Some kind of thing,
About possible choices?
I could be like Suess,
Making up words as I go.
With my flimflaming schnogle blasts,
Mingling with the allakazoops.
Or maybe try to be sentimental,
Sweet, gentle and kind,
But we know that is probably,
A big fat lie.
I am not a poetry buff,
So I am mostly out of luck,
This will have to do,
Until my brain gets unstuck.
A Poem about Poems without and logic. Now that... is ... Weird.
*DISCLAIMER* Sorry Real poets.
Tonight I went to a short self defence class. I mean, we all know that I was hoping to come out of there with the ability to jump kick bad guys square in the teeth, but needless to say, I totally can.
Now that I have all the skills needed to "break skulls" I feel like I need a warning label that I have on my shirt or something that warns potential harm doers that I mean business. Something that says "Hey dude, don't even try it".
I guess that is why super heroes have their outfits right? You see a man in a bat suit or a guy with a bright shiny shield you likely will be like, "Hmm, this person probably would be a bad choice to mess with."
What would my super symbol look like you ask? Well I could use some suggestions as obviously it's early on in the process.
So let's think about some other super heroes, to narrow down the choices.
So Batman's deal is that he is really afraid of bats and thinks they will strike terror into the minds of the criminals. He uses his fear against others. So, I have a pretty serious anxiety disorder, so I am afraid of just about anything. How do I translate that into an entity?
His thing is his super special Shield. He is extremely strong and mighty, but has as his main source of awesome this defence against other people. It's almost like he doesn't want to fight, he just wants to protect. He is so noble its a little ridiculous. Good thing they cast someone so adorably likeable to play him. So if I had what I used to protect myself from others what would that be? Sarcasm... that is my main defence mechanism. Not sure how that would work...
Thor's hammer is something only he (or others who are worthy) can use. A ridiculously powerful magic object that somehow knows who is deserving of its power. Is there anything in my life that only works properly for me? Let's think, Ice cream cones and I have a very special relationship. I've said it before and I will say it again, its about structural integrity.
Super Tanya Potential Powers
So if I was going to be a super hero what could I use? Ice cream powers? Sarcasm? Or being afraid of literally everything? None of these are going to work out super great. What would your powers be if you were immediately turned into those heroes.
1. The thing you are afraid of
2. The thing you use to protect yourself
3. The thing only you and those who are worthy can do
Which of these would make for your most impressive super hero?
Leave a comment with your answers so that I know I am not the only one who fantasizes about becoming a super hero.