You get sent a surprise video from one of your favourite actors of all time. Thank you Paul Rudd, even if this is not actually truly meant for just me, I don't care. It made my week. Thank you! #TeamCap #4life
He also said my very best friends name ACTUALLY MEANING HER. It is amazing.
So I went to Sephora with Crystal the other day and I got a weird urge to be girly and such. It doesn't happen to often, but every once and a while I like to try to learn new makeup tricks and make my hair look less like a rat's nest and more like.. hair?
Here is what I think I know about makeup
Smash Various Powders into face To Make Everything Look Alive
Use some brushes, sponges or your fingers, who cares really, and mush them into your pores blocking any evidence of stress, hormones, exhaustion or human feelings.
Put some emphasis on your eye area
You probably should paint your eyeball area with some things that draw attention to your eyes instead of the parts of your skin that didn't blend properly in the smashing powder process.
Make your Lips have a Colour SO You Don't Look Dead
Use various creams, tints, stains, balms to make your lips have some sort of colour. I mean any colour will do. Just something that looks not as garbage.
That is all I know about makeup. It's all about right right?
What do you think the most favourable office supply to be turned into would be?
If you were turned into a pen, you would start off as really desirable and important you would eventually dry up, and unless you are one of those pens that costs $700 you would never be replaced.
If you were the desk you would be very much necessary but constantly being buried under other objects and papers and people would probably spill things on you.
If you became the computer, you would be probably hated by every other item in the office because they would think you had a pompous attitude but really you were just so self conscious that the next model of you would be even better and you would be replaced before your time.
So if you had to pick one of those three things to be transformed into , which would you pick? If you feel so motivated, leave your reasoning in the comments.
Every year at my former high school, the graduating class was read a story. A story that was originally intended for small children but let's be real, they don't understand the complexities and brilliance that is Dr. Seuss. Each year the class would sit in the sweaty gym, melting beneath their polyester gowns and here of all the place they would go. The problem is, it is a bit inaccurate. Back when Dr. Seuss was around, you might actually be able to get a job eventually. Imagine that people in my generation... Easy to achieve goals. So I have a much more reasonable version for you.
Oh The Mediocrity You Will Face
By Tanya Ruiter
Oh the Mediocrity
you will face,
As you explore
This unjust place.
You can't get a job,
Without having one before,
A terrible loop
Frustrating you more.
Your rent is going to cost you,
More than you thought,
No room for that furniture,
You already bought.
Good luck with the lingo,
It's all in a code,
Ten new acronyms a day,
just part of the load.
Oh the hassles of people,
whether romantic or friend,
you are forced to endure
from beginning to end.
Drama at a job,
you don't necessarily want,
while everyone else,
has lives they flaunt.
You might end up broke,
But this you know,
Changing your habits,
When your account runs low.
You'll go to bed,
At a reasonable hour,
And turn off the lights,
To help conserve power.
Everything will be fine,
You say again and again,
All you have to do,
Is shut down your brain.
Don't think of the future,
Or your past or your plans,
Just ignore your problems,
Save yourself if you can.
Oh the mediocrity fills our lives,
So sorry to say,
But it's how the world works,
For everyone every day.
Lately I have been feeling like I am not worthy as a person. Everything I try seems to fail and no matter how much I keep trying to persevere everything always ends up breaking, or falling, or just downright not working. I am just wondering if you can give me any insight into how you have accomplished your goals.
Unsuccesful in Utah
Dear Unsuccessful in Utah,
The way to accomplish any goal is small steps. You also need the right tools for the job and the right materials. So, next time you try to build up that ice cream cone remember: your grip needs to be firm but not too tight. Your spoon should actually be a teaspoon - Don't let those tricky overly gimmicky ice cream scoopers fool you, rookie mistake. Also you want to to build up slowly, pressing each piece firmly into the one below it, allowing a structurally sound formation. Make sure you have a firm ice cream that is creamy enough that it will stick to the other pieces. If you need toppings, put them in a bowl and roll your cone in it when it is the desired size, don't try to sprinkle them on willy nilly. That is a waste of material.
Hopefully this helps you dear reader, please send pictures of your ice cream cones.
Because of the stupid basement flood that was horribly inconvenient, the world of insurance has granted me a silver lining. For once, something goes okay for me. I get to redecorate THREE rooms. Kitchen, bathroom, and the guest bedroom. The Kitchen and bathroom are mostly just tiles, but the bedroom I get to paint as well, so I was thinking, why don't I try to think of a new theme to have a really unique space that everyone will want to stay in. I mean, I will let very few, because most humans are gross obviously, but you get the point.
Pet Hair ChiC
Really classy linens just coated in a solid layer of dog hair. Maybe even some llama hairs and emu feathers that I will have to source from local farms.
Rustic Robot Vacation
Take everything you love from modern robotics, beach vacation homes, and rustic farm houses and mash it up into one super room. Who doesn't want a canoe hanging from the ceiling made of sprockets and gears? Or a wooden frame of a robot holding a teacup?
What about having a room filled with all the kinds of things a grandma would knit and craft? But like... TO THE EXTREME! So where you would think there would be one cross stitch picture, THERE IS AN ENTIRE MURAL! or where there should be one embroidered pillow, THE ENTIRE MATTRESS IS MADE OF NEEDLE POINT! Or what about a knitted throw blanket? NOPE EVER WALL HAS KNITED DRAPES COVERING ALL SURFACES! Whatever you can do to make it appear as your grandma hasn't slept in 45 years.
Now, I live with another human. We tend to have different opinions on style sometimes, so what in we just put a line right down the middle. Custom make all our bedding so its 50% one style and 50% the other. Half the room will be painted Dave's choices and half will be mine. EVERYONE WINS!
New York City Subway Station
Posters with ripped corners advertising the latest radio show hosts, photos of guitar players, everything will smell distinctly of urine, and the linens will be itchy with random spots that are crunchy for reasons no one ever wants to think about.
Don't Think of morning as a time you have to wake up, but as a preparation period before your first nap.
Don't think of exercise as a hassle, think of it as an excuse to eat more snacks
Your to do list will still be there tomorrow, so why bother do it now?
I should really take this show on the road. I could change a lot of lives.
Last weekend my Aunty's best friend passed away. She was 36 years old and her name was Pride. She has been a part of our family for 34 years. She inspired a love of horses in my sister, and a love of animals for the rest of us. She was truly a character and she will be greatly missed. She was a beautiful lady and she was so patient and lovely when she was forced to walk in circles for hours at a time when we were kids. We will all miss you Pride, thank you for teaching us how much personality an animal can have. Everyone, send your good vibes to my Aunty, she needs all the positive thoughts you have.
It is 4pm on Saturday and I have been sitting here for a solid 8 hour shift. I have only gotten up to get snacks, go pee, and let the dogs in and out a thousand times. I am starting to develop a theory about the couch because the only logical explanation of how I have been here so long is it is a trap?
I am pretty certain that a magnet was implanted in my butt at some point, by the Netflix people probably, who installed an opposing one in my couch so that when I sit down I get a little bit stuck. Not enough that it is like, "Oh man I can't move," But just enough so its comfortable to sit, and annoying to get up. That way I will consume all of their content.
This theory may sound crazy, but you should know that I am a licensed theorist (no I am not , that is not a thing) so you have to take me seriously.
I assume that once you sign up for your free trial they send the magnet over via secret magnet assassin, and implants them in your couch and all so that when you do the free trial you are like, oh man I need to do this forever, and then sign up and never move again. Also, magnets are part of that weird system where people wear bracelets and then their joints feel nice, so Netflix gets to write off all the magnets as a medical expense while also making everyone feel nice for watching their programming.
I swear I am not crazy.... please don't send me back there I MEAN NOTHING.
Have a nice productive afternoon. I know I won't.