Dear M&M Meat shops,
I hope you are well. I myself am in an interesting predicament that is entirely your fault. That is why I am writing this letter to you in an open forum. That way you will be forced to admit that you are responsible for this situation and not brush it under the rug.
Your food is simply TOO good.
And by food, I am referencing most importantly, the Triple Chocolate Fudge Cake.
So this cake causes a usually normal human to degrade themselves into a sad secretive fool eating it out of the box beside the sink scrambling like a cockroach when their significant other unexpectedly returns before they were ready. This cake takes an upstanding citizen and causes them to punch any baby in their path to get to this cake*.
This cake... This cake breathes new life into a dying human. This cake paints optimism on the most cynical of beasts and allows them to feel something if only for a moment.
The PROBLEM with this cake falls into three categories.
1. This cake has in the upwards of 500000000 calories and does not sit well in my body as forty pounds of cake fat does not place itself well on a five foot two frame.
2. This cake is so god damn addictive that even if you just try to have one or two bites you then come to twenty minutes later with chocolate crumbs stuck in your bra as you sob fully clothed in the bathtub wondering what the hell happened.
3. This cake causes every third person who eats it to turn into a silverback gorilla.
One of these is a lie.
So, my dear M&M Meat Shops, I ask if you are aware of the condition you have caused. You have altered humanity with the creation of this cake. You have created a new form of addiction. You have altered the lives of many people who were destined to become fitness models, or athletic soft ball players to instead be reduced to a cake eating fiend.
The sad girl eating cake out of the box over her sink.
PS: If you ever stop making that damned cake I will personally do something so mediocrely useless and completely ineffective but it will be done.
The other day Crystal asked me if I had any guilty pleasures. I think she was listening to a podcast and she realized she didn't really feel guilty about anything she did.
Thinking about it for a really long time, continuing even after we finished our conversation (days ago) I think I have come to the same conclusion. I don't really have any guilty pleasures. I think I own up to everything I enjoy. Because I am a nerd and I am proud to be.
As John Green said, well I can't remember the exact quote and I am a bit too lazy to google it, but it was something that the best thing bout being a nerdfighter is you get to be unapologetically enthusiastic bout the stuff you like. As a nerd, I can full on love something without having to make excuses for it.
Yea, I watched all six seasons of Glee. What of it. So what, I have watched pretty much all the Marvel movies each a bunch of times. How does that matter. Oh and yes, I like Harry Potter. Proud of it. Literally show my support of that every day on my arm. So I stare in the mirror sometimes trying to make Tyra Banks faces because she is so God damned beautiful and tends to make everyone look beautiful with like three tricks. So do lots of people... I assume.
Guilty pleasures don't really ever need to be secrets. If you like doing it you shouldn't feel guilty about it. As long as it's legal and doesn't hurt anyone then no one gets to tell you that you should be ashamed.
Now I do know most of the time people just use this harmless expression to say like ooo I watch reality TV when I'm home alone. And clearly I am blowing this out of proportion but I am bored and that is one of my favourite things to do. GUILT FREE WRITING.
Well. I guess if I want it to be guilt free I would tell more people I write this. Damn Internet you caught me... But it isn't like I hide it either. It is just I swear a lot more than my grandparents should be made aware of. But I suppose after what my little cousin accidentally blurted out at her birthday dinner I shouldn't feel guilty over my swears. Hers was much worse than anything I think I could ever say. Leave a comment to guess what it was! Hint:it involved an ex-boss.
It is just like being Over-whelmed just LESS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT!
The thing is, we are selling our house. This is a process and a half. Having to remain clean is hard enough but doing so with dogs and lives and jobs and all that other stuff is hard. Also, I am not a person who handles stress in productive ways. Usually I just shut down with a tub of ice-cream so thats a solid life choice.
Any way, I have been running around like a damned fool trying to get everything finalized and it doesn't help that it is legit 8000000 degrees outside. like essentially the pavement is lava and whatever breeze you feel is just peoples dead souls migrating on their ways to their respective afterlives because surviving a crazy heat wave is a challenge. I should highlight that I do not have air conditioning in my car or in my house at the moment so I do not really get to cool down. Except for fudgecicle breaks but we have one left and two people so I doubt that will end in anyway other than mini household hunger games. Sorry Dave, but I need that fudgecicle.
This is not really a relevant post I guess. What could we talk about, I should post something more... haha who am I kidding nothing here is relevant.
Well, to make things slightly more useful, let's take a poll:
Have any of you seen the move Cats Don't Dance?
Probably not. It was never really that popular I think because it wasn't made by Disney and it was the height of Disney mania. Which I will admit I was and still am forever an enormous Disney fan and should they ever desire a twenty something to come write about how awesome their parks are, or even better write a movie or tv show for them even though she has no experience, I will literally drop anything and everything.
But back to the point, Cats Don't Dance is a sweet little movie about Cats, and their friends who all work in the movie industry.
Through a series of misadventures, Danny the cat and his group of friends find their way to the big screen all while singing and dancing and fighting that weird giant named Max who is terrifying when he smiles. It seriously haunts my dreams guys. Seriously. Look.
Imagine the size of braces you would need for those chompers. His one tooth is bigger than that entire cat.
Anyways, the main thing I would like to discuss, is how does a great movie like this that I believe should be considered a classic get left behind in the dust behind some other movies that aren't as great. This movie is a movie for underdogs ( or cats I guess) and shows that even those of us who feel neglected can stand up to our tiny terrorizers and their weirdly giant henchmen and stand up for what we feel is right. That seems like cinematic heroism to me. Teaches us more than some princess movies do. Granted I love me some princess movies but seriously, all Aurora does is touch a sharp object and take a nap. This movie has a hippo that beats people up.
Case closed am I right?
Also, there is a sweet little love story between the goofy optimist and the talented cynic who has been in Hollywood too long that just rivals the classic Rom-Coms but with a lot more singing, and even more fur.
So go watch this movie immediately and also, give me suggestions of other underrated movies that don't get enough love.
I would describe my eating habits of that of an twelve year old girl left home alone for the first time.
I can't really cook anything that isn't premade for me or more than three ingredients, and usually one if one of those ingredients is cheese.
I have gone through phases where I try to be better and make food but it's so much God damn work for three and a half minutes of joy. That's what she said. Zing.
Instead I resort to the basics four food groups: cereal, Mac and cheese, poptarts, take out.
I would like to remind you I am 26 God damn years old.
You would think I would be a bit more embaressed but the only time I feel any shame is when I have to eat at my stupid work. I work in a stupid spa where everyone thinks salad is a meal for humans and not rabbits. I relate much to Ron Swanson in the fact that you should not feed me the food my food eats.
The really hard part is that unlike the television world I live in in my free time, eating like a twelve year old is real bad for looking like a pretty 26 year old. It results in weird fat pockets, bellies, and many many chins.
Lorelei Gilmore and Rory Gilmore are liars. You cannot eat a whole pizza with poptarts appetizers and still wear size six jeans.
Television is just so damn good. I mean, I love me some movies, but TV is great.
Today I have rewetted for the billionth time, Happy Endings. Which is one of my favourite television shows. I find it to be one of the funniest, smartest, wittiest shows to ever have been on television and I am genuinely unhappy that it didn't last more than three seasons.
And now because I once again finished that show, I am watching the recently added season two of Brooklyn Nine-Nine which is another fantastic show. I just have so much respect for people who make shows that can make people laugh. I mean, a drama is all well and good but making people laugh I find is tricky. I guess not everyone thinks all shows are funny which is why shows get cancelled so often.
I just want to learn how they do it. How do they do that? How do they write words that are so funny that make thousands of people laugh? I mean, how awesome is that. I get like a sick joy if I make even one person slightly smirk from my shitty comments I make on stuff.
Anyways, I should go bathe. Or read my screenwriting book I bought to learn how to actually write a script so I can maybe one day write my own TV show or movie. This was... a waste of time probably. Sorry?
Long Weekends should never end.
They should replace my work week,
With constant weekends,
But still pay me.
Let us discuss the glory and prestige that is macaroni and cheese.
Now, we have all eaten "real Mac and cheese" with you know, cheese made from real milk and stuff. And that's all fine and dandy but then we have also all eaten KD.
The wonderous invention made for lazy people like me who know how to appreciate a solid product.
I should I suppose preface this by saying that I have once fallen into a deep pit of addiction to kraft dinner and it may be partially to blame of my previous weight gains, however in no way do I fault the product itself but of my lack of will power.
I have heard a rumour that kraft was planning on changing their mystical cheese powder for something "healthier". Now, I cannot remember where I heard this and am too lazy to google it, but the thought of this offends me to my core.
Everything on this planet is slowly switching over to healthy versions of whatever it was. I mean, people now voluntarily eat Kale Chips instead of potato chips. I don't care if they aren't meant to be the same thing, don't call it a chip if it isn't either potato or chocolate.
As someone who struggles with their weight I understand the theory. Make everything healthy so that you have no choice but to eat better. Problem with this in my mind is that I know lots of people who eat healthy and are still over weight. Also, I know lots of people who eat unhealthy and are still considered in shape.
I mean if they don't want to make KD anymore thats one thing. Fine we will all get over the immense loss to our lives. But don't bother slapping a new powdered cheese and calling it healthy. That is a waste of your time and mine.
No one is buying KD as a healthy alternative. No one will ever do that. KD is what college kids eat because money is tight and sometimes you have to splurge for a hot meal. KD is what sad twenty somethings eat when they can't cook but need comfort food. KD is what someone eats when they are super hungover and need something that will sit in their gut all day to protect from the rotting feeling. KD will never be someone's healthy alternative.
This will likely be my most political stance on anything.
It will be Friday shortly.
Then I can sleep for two days.
I feel like people always are trying to label girls in one of two categories.
The Girlie Girl
The Girlie Girl wears dresses and can do makeup perfectly. They can flirt and talk to people easily and know how to act like a lady.
The Tomboy wears jeans and doesn't worry much about hair preferring an easy pony tail. They know how to fix things and get along well with men without feeling uncomfortable.
The wonderful Hilary Duff portrays Lorraine, the girlie girl of the family who hogs the bathroom to do makeup and uses face masks and stuff. Sarah played by Alyson Stoner is a semi-typical Tomboy who plays sports and hangs out with the guys.
The thing is I think there need to be more categories. I don't fit into either of these sections at all. So I have some proposed new ones each of which I could be a part of:
The Lazy Crafter
Spends a lot of time on Pinterest looking up DIY items but never actually doing them.
The Plan Canceller
Makes a lot of social commitments but cancels every one of them fairly last minute.
The Netflix aficionado
Knows the best stuff on Netflix and spends most of their time watching and re-watching shows and gives decent recommendations when they find time to speak to another human instead of their Netflix delivery system.
The Indecisive Hair Stylist
Can't ever decide how to style or cut their hair so tries out eight different hairstyles before leaving the house with a weird half breed of straight mixed with curly that turns into a strange & horrible split-ended mess.
The SuperHero Movie Obsessor
Loves pretty much all super hero movies but gets consistently shown up because they don't know the entire back log of comic history.
The Loud Observer
Has an introverted personality but tends to people watch but accidentally comments out loud to themselves about the observations made.
So all in all, I think I would be a weird combination of everyone of these categories.
I wear makeup up and jeans. I am on Pinterest just all the time while I cancel my plans. I watch Superhero movies on Netflix and recommend them to everyone. And I look around at other people making loud comments about how much I wish I could have their hair styles.