Today I braved the scariest place in the suburban world: Costco.
I have some tips to survive such an environment and also some advice for those who currently shop there. Mostly, just some complaints about the dummies who shop there.
TIP #1: parking Spots Further From the door Work just the same as the others.
At the particular Costco I frequent, there is a tendency for people to attempt to pull into the first lane that leads to the parking spaces closest to the door. The issue with this is that it blocks the entire intersection as other people leave. They ignore the fact that there are perfectly good spots, some of which JUST AS CLOSE, one or two lanes up that they could pull into without stopping traffic as much. So I just suggest that you keep driving for an extra second to save everyone from silently wishing curses upon you and your family.
Tip #2: When you arrive in the store, do not stop in the doorway.
One of the most annoying things that people do is the full-stop as soon as they make it in the store. It is as though they forgot how large and terrifying a warehouse environment can be. Here is some advice for you who feel the need to stop in the doorway: If you don't want to get hit by giant carts, get the hell out of the way okay? It isn't that scary, and if you really feel like you need a second to gather your thoughts, MOVE TO THE SIDE. Some of us know how to handle our box stores and have other places to go... like Wendy's and stuff.
Tip #3: Always Pull Over if You need a Break.
Essentially the same as Tip #2 but I feel like it needs another point here. Even in the aisles, I swear if you don't pull over I will have cursed you to grow hair in unfavourable locations, like your palms or ear lobes.
Tip #4: Everyone Needs to Chill Out.
There are of course some good deals, but also, chill out. There is no need to push and shove or glare at others who are taking one thing off the mountain of things. I am sorry, did you want to buy 375 copies of The Hunger Games Trilogy? I mean, it is a fantastic series but you just need one. So relax okay?
Tip #5: Samples, Samples, Samples.
If you ever need a quick lunch and aren't too picky about what you want, just go to Costco. You can wander around and try out so many samples of tasty snacks and if you do your laps properly you will be pretty satisfied. Last time I went I had Chicken Parm and fudgecicles. I mean, a bite of each but whatever. I bet if you take more than one they wouldn't really be able to do anything. What do you think they could really do... revoke your membership? Over stealing countless tiny pieces of cheese? That seems unlikely. I think that might be a "frowned upon" type deal vs a real actionable offence. If you have other information please let me know though so I don't end up in a predicament.
Want to know what kind of snack should you eat right now? Pick something that is completely unrelated to snacks in the following list and I will tell you what you are craving.
A S'more with extra chocolate.
Bagel with cream cheese
Ice Cream Sandwich made with fresh chocolate chip cookies
YOU ARE WELCOME.
What to do when it is so hot?
Sit by a fan until it's not.
I mean not until the winter because that's too cold.
But those two medium days in fall are solid gold.
So you might be thinking, "Tanya, what on Earth do you do when you aren't regaling us with your total nonsense?"
Well, some of you may know I write Comic Book Reviews on ComicPlug.com latest one was about a comic called Mae and I really liked it. Go check that out!
I also just started writing for BaeDaily.com about Trending News topics. So far I have written about Budweisers Renaming Disaster, an unfortunate situation in Korea and also Ghostbusters.
So when you don't see me here, which is rare, you might be able to catch up with me there. OR, you can follow me on twitter or tumblr if you are one of those people who wants to try and examine what makes up a crazy person. Trust me, it's all weird. But in an alright way I guess. All the weird is what keeps me from exploding.
So enjoy these things, go be supportive of me because I am supportive of you! I mean probably, if not I would be if you gave me something to support. Unless what you want me to support is stupid...or costs a lot of money... or is anti-puppy or anti-ice cream because no matter what I just don't think I could do it.
I am obviously a fashion icon. I can wear pants, socks, shirts and other clothing items that cover the majority of my skin. What you need is my help when you need fashion advice. Here is what I have for you.
To make sure your upper body is looking its finest, you need to squish all the parts into various fabrics that ideally have some sort of shape that looks like it suits your body shape. If you are feeling adventurous, perhaps try something with a graphic print, an animal print or maybe a bright colour.
To get that lower body looking fabulous, you have to decide if you want to have a free flowing and breezy experience, or if you want to confine each leg into its own containment unit. Should you choose a free flowing garment, just wrap any fabric around your torso and that can be called a skirt. If you want the confined experience, allowing you to be able to kick without revealing your intimate areas, take two pieces of fabric and have them wrap around each leg.
You need something to protect you from the dangers on the ground. So like, cardboard, foam, rubber, metal or whatever you can use to prevent yourself from stepping on sharp things like rocks, lobsters, or hedgehogs. To secure the protection you just need some sort of attachment to wrap it around the foot to keep it on you. Duct Tape is always an option.
Hats are the best option to complete an outfit. They are always acceptable and always awesome. With hats, the bigger the better. The best option is obviously, top hat or excessive sun hats.
The weekend is still far enough away so you can make plans. Pick one of these the things in this list and I will give you a weekend adventure.
Light Blue Convertible
Scrapbooking Networking Event in Minnesota
An Argyle Sweater
Find an abandoned lighthouse and hold a rave in it.
Climb to the bottom of a cave and paint predictions for the future.
A Four Leaf Clover
Watch the entire series of Frasier without breaks.
A Peacock Feather
Loafer sales conference in West Texas.
Extra long weekend.
I survived my cold mostly.
I love girls weekends.
Just when you think I couldn't find another excuse to stay in bed all day, I got the worst cold I have had in years!
Not impressed really. Could not be worse timing.
This formatting is getting out of control.
My palms are so sweaty but my toes are so cold.
Is this like.. slam poetry
or nonsense filled by cold medicine.
MAYBE All slam poetry is fuelled by cold medicine.
Or maybe everything is awful and I will sleep for a thousand years and miss my grandma's birthday.
I mean, I would miss a lot of birthdays in a thousand years right?
Who is next birthday wise? OH MAN... it's Colleen. She will be 18 on SUNDAY.
She is much smarter than me. Also she can tap dance.
Didn't think so.
Unless you are Colleen reading this.
In that case...
I happen to have a cold, so that is... my excuse for this.
I could just not... post this ...
But instead.. I will. I must shatter the illusion of perfection you all hold of me if I am to remain humble.
LOLz. No one thinks I am perfect.
Even my dogs are like, really bitch, we are sitting in bed ALL DAY AGAIN?!
All they want to do is run around and play.
But outside is SO FAR.
I need another fudgecicle.
I have had more than I can count today.
But it is okay because I am sick.
Right. Keep telling yourself that Tanya.
Remember how I said Shield would be the death of me?
But then I didn't die?
Except instead I seem to have contracted some kind of death plague/cold?
Even though I almost never get colds?
Like the person I live with is always sick?
And I almost never catch it?
Even though he coughs all over the place?
Except this one time?
Where a show I love played with my heart?
In a really unfair way?
I mean, it turned out okay?
I mean, it could be worse?
AND NOW I'M SICK?
Punctuation is fun because chances are you read everything as a question even if it made no sense. GRAMMAR RULES!
There are many different ways you can love a person. Many different levels as well. You can friend love, significant other love, family love, best friend love, even love your pets. Sometimes the phrase "I love you" is over used and under appreciated. I know I am guilty of this, saying I love you to pretty much anyone who hands me a good looking ice cream cone. I have developed a few ways to say I LOVE YOU without having to say those words particularly. If someone says these things to you, you should know it means a lot.
HOw To Say I Love You Without Saying I love you:
Yes I realize a lot of those relate to food. If you haven't learned that the way to my heart is through my stomach, Harry Potter facts or Marvel Trivia you have not been paying attention very well.