There is no better feeling,
Than realizing you don't have,
To study for exams anymore,
Because you got old,
And already graduated.
This is an open letter to everyone's best friend, Dry Shampoo.
Dear My Sweet Friend,
Since you came into my life just a few short years ago, I must say with the utmost conviction that you have changed it for the better.
No longer am I shamed for waking up late and not having time to wash my hair. No longer do I have to face the fears of the greasy forehead. No longer, am I living under the thumb of the relentless media portrayal of unobtainable hair.
You understand me. You are privy to me at my most vulnerable, and never once have you done anything other than try to make me feel better about myself. A quick spritz is all I need from you to make me feel like I can appear in the outside world judgement free.
When you reach the limit of your abilities, unable to help me any more, you don't get angry that I need other products. You never retaliate after the fact, you just work your best each and every time filling my hair with volume and a clean fresh scent.
Your ability to do the right thing is something we all could learn from. Your commitment to maintaining appearances, while also being true to yourself are outstanding. I can continue to sleep for precious extra moments, because I know I have you to save me when I realize I am not at my best. You raise me up to the level of at least mediocre each and every time.
So, from everyone who has already discovered you, and all those who will, the most sincerest and heartfelt thank you is all we have to give you.
Many Thanks for now and forever more,
Did you know,
If you try real hard,
You can achieve almost anything.
If you work on a goal,
and stay on track,
you can do it all.
You can watch an entire season on Netflix,
You can paint 100 plastic dinosaurs chrome,
You can bake brownies,
And eat a tub of cream,
All in only one weekend.
Don't forget sleeping until noon,
And accidental three hour naps,
or watching a movie from 1993.
Demolishing two bags of chips,
Avoiding the gym,
and a last minute family dinner.
Yes this can all be done,
In one weekend no less!
Impressive as it may seem.
As long as there are
more important things to do,
You can achieve almost none of them through procrastinating.
If you try real hard.
As you can see I had a productive weekend just not in any of the things I needed to do. Good job me. Top notch procrastinating. Really impressive. The surprise nap, that was totally out of left field. Oh, and the last minute dinner? Who saw that coming? Obviously not me.
Alright weekend, you beat me this time. Lets try this again next week okay? Same time, I'll bring the ice cream you bring the naps.
The year, 1996. Maybe 1998? I don't know it was the late nineties and everything was a lot of the same stuff all the time. Until one glorious band emerged from the Great United Kingdom and brought upon us bored rural youths the hope and excitement that came with Girl Power, Platform Shoes and inappropriate songs we wouldn't understand for more years than we would like to admit.
That is right, the Spice Girls entered our lives and took them for themselves, creating an army of girls wearing really tall running shoes - or for those of us with parents more reasonable and not willing to buy such preposterous footwear, often found ourselves standing on top of two my fours or crates just to meet their friends eye line.
The Spice Girls had it all, and most important to me at the time, a Polaroid Commercial.
That polaroid commercial was with out a doubt one of my favourite things at the time. I actually taped it off of television using our VHS recorder and some careful timing, recording it onto my tape of various Spice Girl appearances and performances.
This commercial featured them in some kind of school which I don't remember very well now, (sometimes things just burn so brightly they scorch the memory) but what I knew what all I ever needed in life to be who I wanted to be was a Polaroid camera.
I never got said camera, because it was a ridiculous request. Polaroid film is ridiculously expensive and it is not really an obtainable thing for a nine year old.
THAT IS: Until Amazon has a pre-black Friday sale and someone can order one $50 off.
Did I have much forethought to when I would ever need a Polaroid camera given that I am literally always carrying my phone which has a fantastic built in camera? Do I know I literally have 5 other perfectly functional cameras in the room at this very moment? Do I know that the film is still more expensive than printing a picture normally?
Apparently none of that matters now that I have a lovely baby blue Polaroid camera that takes mini polaroid pictures that I can do whatever I wish with. Probably lose immediately but let's hope I am smarter about it.
Anyways, I just wanted to say, dreams can come true kids. Especially if your dreams are as pathetic as mine.
UPDATE ALERT: Just watched the commercial in question - FOUND HERE
It is exactly as I remembered it. It is important to note that I watched the behind the scenes footage before which reminded me that I had a bunch of that on my tape too. Way to go young me, just so you know, you still enjoy watching behind the scenes stuff way more than you should.
Maybe she's born with it,
Maybe it's dry shampoo.
Because your worth...
The 45 minutes it took to look that way.
Easy. Breezy. All the concealer.
All the reality competition shows are intended for those with great skill. Whether it be skills in the arts like singing or dancing, or in food preparation, like cooking and baking. Or some of it is manipulation and strategy like surviving in a house with strangers for a few months or whatever.
The thing is I would never be good at any of these things. I can't sing, dance, bake, cook or interact with other human sin anyway that isn't uncomfortable for everyone involved. So I thought I would propose some reality show premises that I would be super good at.
At the beginning of every episode you are given a simple task like, empty a dishwasher or fold a basket of laundry - BUT - you are also given access to Netflix, the internet, and a cell phone with unlimited hearts in Pokemon Shuffle. The point of the game is to accomplish the task at hand. Sounds easy, but clearly you have never seen me try to do anything in my entire life.
Winner: No one, no player accomplished anything, well, Pokemon Shuffle I suppose wins because that game is gold.
Accidental Nap Trap
Each contestant is provided with a bed that is so comfortable and warm and filled with the ideal number of pillows. The purpose of the game is to try not to nap.
Winner: Everyone involved, because even if you lose and fall asleep at least you get to take a nap. Except those watching don't get to win because that is a little creepy to watch people sleep.
Snug as a Pug
The participants are all given a puppy, preferably a Pug (can be substituted for other squishy face hounds). They are required to hug that puppy and love it and have it fall asleep in their arms.
Winner: Everyone. Puppies are the best.
And my real best bet:
Ice Cream ARCHITECT
Everyone is given an unlimited amount of ice cream and ice cream supplies (cones, sprinkles, chocolate chips, sauces etc.). They are required to build the most architecturally impressive ice cream snack and then actually consume it.
Winner: Who ever makes the biggest, densest, heaviest and most beautiful ice cream snack and actually manages to eat the whole thing in a set amount of time. AKA: ALWAYS ME.
I have always been one to make my own birthday/holiday cards. I don't know how normal people get a job at hallmark but consider this my audition. (I haven't drawn the corresponding pictures for it but if someone is super talented and wants to go into business I think we have some real winners here, get in touch.)
You have farted approximately 5110 this year.
Good luck on the next 5110!
GRADUATION (High School)
Congratulations on completing the longest four years of your life!
That is before the next four years, and then the next after that, and who are we kidding, the rest of your life is an endless march until you die.
Good job passing those standardized tests!
I got you this card!
Because after spending thousands of dollars on a degree you don't know what to do with, what you really want is a piece of card stock instead of a full time job with health benefits.
I acknowledge you are celebrating an occasion in which people act in festive manners.
Get Well Soon
I hear you have fallen sick,
Is it contagious?
Did you have it when we shared that sandwich last week?
What exactly are you sick with?
Susan was unsure if it was the flu or food poisoning.
Please send me an email with your answers.
Oh and get well soon I guess.
But seriously though, the email, Susan is useless for gossip.
You engaged in intercourse and created life.
Once I left some pasta in a tupperware for a month and it grew mould.
So I think we both know how this feels.
So I will patiently wait by my email for a greeting card company to come and offer me all the money for these lovely gems. Or, more likely I will wait for someone much more clever than me to steal my clever gems and make money off them without sharing because that is how my life works.
When you reach the half way point,
In any endeavour you take,
You should look back at what you've done,
Be proud for goodness sake!
For a crazy, effort filled adventure awaits,
Even more than what has passed.
But you'll make it through and back again,
And reach all your goals at last.
Happy Half Way Point fellow Wrimos!
Good luck on the rest of the month!
I joined a new gym just last week but because of some unforeseen car issues for le garçon I have been unable to go. I finally decided today was the day but when it came time to leave my Lazy Self fought very hard not to go.
Lazy Self(LS): Okay but what if instead of going to the gym and getting all sweaty you just lay down a little bit more and take another nap.
Workout Self (WS): No! I must go to the gym and work off the snack I ate.
LS: You know you are just going to eat more snacks anyway.
WS: Well what if I just stop snacking all together huh? Teach you a lesson.
LS: HOW DARE YOU. You couldn't last one day without snacking.
WS: I could so! You know what just for that I am going to cut out Carbs too!
REAL Self(AS): Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not go crazy here. We all know you would literally starve to death if you didn't eat carbs so let's shut that down right here and now.
WS: Sorry I just got a little carried away.
RS: It's okay, but don't be so hasty all the time. Slow and steady my friend, slow and steady. That's what all the Pinterest motivational pictures say.
WS: You're right. I am sorry.
RS: And you,
RS: Yeah, you. You need to sometimes realize that we have to move a little bit so that you can keep eating snacks. If not, you won't be able to pull yourself off the couch to make it to the freezer and you don't have anyone who would be willing to install a mini fridge beside your bed. They just won't. So, let's make a deal. We will go to the gym for say, an hour and then we will go buy some chips and stuff and it will be fine.
WS: Doesn't that just completely counteract everything you would have worked for at the gym?
RS: No, because let's be real here. We were going to eat the chips no matter what, so at least now you can say you ran a mile and everything is all well and good right? We all satisfied?
WS: Okay I guess that's fair, I mean, it still doesn't really work that way but sure.
LS: I don't love the idea but I guess we have to. I do think however we should revisit the idea of a bedside mini fridge. I think we can get Dave on board if we keep it stocked with beef jerky.
RS: Put a pin in it for now, we have to go sweat profusely and turn a shade of purple that most people think means that we are dying but actually just means we exerted the bare amount of effort.
Guys, the world is a place filled with scary events and crap that I will never pretend to understand. Right now some pretty terrible things are going down and I don't at all comprehend what it is so I am not going to pretend I do.
I would instead like to highlight some things that people having a hard time should probably take like, five minutes to look at if they can. It will make their life a little warmer and their heart a little stronger because looking at these makes everyone a bit happier.
May I introduce my new obsession: Live Footage of Puppies.
All you do is google puppy cam and like a billion come up. Animal Planet being on of the more prominent, who also have Pandas, kittens, fish, hedgehogs, everything. Its awesome. I also found this other one, and right now and looking at some Australian Shepherds. Holy crap it's so cute.
I am sure there are even more awesome feeds of just adorable things you can watch to remind you that the whole world doesn't always suck, because sometimes there are puppies.
To those people who are dealing with all the things that happened today, whether it made the news or not, please just watch some puppies and remember that there are some things in the world that cannot be ruined, and they are puppies and they are available for you to look at whenever needed if you know where to look.