Because I am an adult, I spent a good chunk of my day playing with a star wars character generator. Crystal made hers first which is how i found this. And then I made me. Because I do everything Crystal does... and also I love playing with these things.
Crystal is a Jedi and I am a Rebel Alliance fighter. She has beautiful lavender hair and I have half a shaved head because in the Star Wars world I am a badass.
If anyone has more of these that will make me be able to pretend I am in movies, please send them to me. Also, if you make yourself as a Star Wars character send me it I want to see.
Happy New Years everyone, thank you for reading this through 2015, it has been a weird year but let us all hope that 2016 is slightly better and that my brain stays as weird as it has always been but is better at focusing.
I went to the gym
I lifted some stuff
Now my arms don't work
But soon I will look tough.
Okay so Christmas is over, and now my house is decorated for a holiday that is a year away. I know that most people take down their stuff around new years but I am so lazy. So I think they should develop a service to un-decorate peoples houses.
Here is the commercial for the new service to un-decorate:
Voice over: Are you sick of dealing with those tangled christmas lights?
*shows a man struggling to wrap the lights up to put fit in a box*
Voice over: Are you tired of taking the christmas tree down at the end of the season?
*shows a woman dealing with a christmas tree and having it fall on her*
Voice over: Do you have no idea how to properly pack away all those breakable ornaments?
*shows a couple throwing glass ornaments into a box breaking them all*
Voice over: Then you have found the most perfect service! The Un-Decorators will come to your house and take down all your decorations and pack them properly. For an extra monthly fee we can even store them in a safe facility that is temperature controlled and patrolled by highly trained assassins.
WE TAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS DECOR SERIOUSLY.
Maybe too seriously, your christmas decor is so important, you have curated a lifetime of memories to display once a year. You have the choice between our different assassins each with their own training style ranging from street fighting to expert spoon stabbers.
So call now to book your clean up, our boxing day prices will cut your monthly rate in half and we will even throw in a second assassin guard for 25% off!
So someone invent this service. I don't want to clean up. There is no where to put all these crafts and there is no way that fake tree is going back in its box.
When one gets a cold for christmas,
One must find a cure.
The only thing I know to work,
Is ice cream for sure.
So while my nose is running,
and my throat is scratchy too,
I will shovel in the tasty snack,
Until my lips turn blue.
I feel a cold coming on, but because I am stubborn I am forcing it away.
Here is the process I am going to take to avoid it.
Sleep until 11:45 and then refuse to get out of bed until your bladder feels like it may explode.
Eat several fudgecicles for breakfast.
Eat christmas cookies for lunch.
Dye half of your hair a bit brighter purple than you intended.
Try to go to bed, but realize your boyfriend has rearranged your pillows and blankets and is flailing too much to sleep.
Go to get another fudgecicle, and be disappointed when you realize you ate all of them already.
Return to the basement to watch more episode of Friends and build a tiny nest on the couch, knowing you can never return to the upstairs world except to get more christmas cookies.
Realize that there is very little way you are not going to wake up with a slightly worse cold and resign yourself to stopping at Walmart tomorrow to get cold medicine in bulk to get you through the holidays.
Hi, my name is Tanya and I am here to present to you a new and exciting project that has been recently developed by a team of genius scientists being hidden away to protect their identities.
THE INTROVERT REVITALIZATION PROJECT (IRP)
What is IRP you ask? Well, IRP takes your average introvert and places them in a cocoon of warm and comfortable gel that allows them the rest and retreat from the world that they need, especially after those long holiday parties and extra busy work days.
IRP has a special program that is able to fully scan your body, adopt your mannerisms and access your memories to create a robotic copy of you that you can send out on your behalf until your metaphorical meter is filled and you no longer feel like your brain will explode! These copies are so advanced that no one but you will know they are not real!
If you call now, you can order our special Deck the Decoy model that comes complete with holiday sweater and the ability to answer the questions "How is work?" and "How have you been lately?" without hesitation or sarcasm!
The IRP has a limited number of copies for the time being given that it is in its initial testing phase, but if you are interested in taking part in this trial please get in contact with us as soon as possible.
Possible Side EFfects and Known Bugs:
Gel has potential to cause some side effects after rest period, known side effects include and are not limited to:
CALL NOW TO BOOK YOUR TEST DRIVE IN THE NEWEST TECHNOLOGY TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM YOURSELF!
So the trailer for Fantastic Beasts and Where to find them came out and immediately it just brought a wave of feelings that I forgot about.
There is a very specific set of emotions reserved for the wizarding world. I feel them while reading the books, I feel them when I watch the movies, I felt them at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Florida, and I am getting those feelings the more times I watch the trailer.
I am just so pleased that there is more stories to explore in the wizarding world. It is perhaps my most favourite place - even if it is fictional. Or at least according to the most people. There is no way to know for sure right?
So please excuse me while I retreat into my brain and imagine all the possibilities of how this movie is going to make my life better.
The Spirit of Christmas
Is found all around.
From the burnt out lights,
to the glitter on the ground.
The gifts are all wrapped,
With haphazard care.
And the cookies all baked,
Split up mostly fair.
Now we all patiently wait,
For the time to arrive.
All the dinners and parties,
We will barely survive.
But after its over,
And the turkeys are cooked.
We will brace for the next,
Plans are already booked.
Hey Christmas Tree,
Why are you so tall?
I can't reach the top,
You almost made me fall.
I covered you in lights,
And almost half were out.
But then I put the dinos,
because that's what I'm about.
My brain is empty,
I have nothing creative to talk about right now.
I sat down to type this and was like,
"Now Tanya, you should probably write something clever and witty,"
but instead my brain was like,
"Nah, how about instead you watch Friends and refresh Tumblr a thousand times."
And then I was like,
"Okay but seriously, you could have maybe printed out your nano novel and then you get edit."
and then my brain was all,
"Okay but remember, you hate editing. It is not fun."
And I was like,
"Yeah, but you don't always get to do fun stuff, sometimes you have to work."
but my brain just laughed,
"You bought ice-cream, think of all the Ice cream you could eat!"
I was like,
"You can't eat all of it at once, that is irresponsible."
Then my brain just snorted,
"Responsible-Schmonsible. Ice cream tastes good and like that T-shirt you saw on Pinterest said - Ice Cream is cheaper than therapy."
And then I was like,
"Okay but just do something productive."
But my brain was all,
"Dude I mean I steam cleaned the carpet. That has to count for something!"
and I sighed,
"Okay that sounds like you did some work but you and I both know that it was only working half the time so perhaps you should do something more.
my brain screamed,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO! IT IS TEN PM!"
And I scowled,
"You know what, don't sass me missy."
my brain glared back and replied,
"you sound like an eighty five year old grandma."
And I glared back,
"What's wrong with that!"
And then there was a standoff that resulted in my brain having a tiny explosion in the left frontal lobe, and the rest of me shut down.