Because it's January, everyone is thinking about their New Year's Resolutions. I am trying to get more organized and a bunch of other boring stuff, but we all know what the real goals are and what matters.
Resolutions That Are Actually Achievable:
What are your actual achievable resolutions? Have you already failed at yours? I sure have... just ate a super hot cookie and definitely burned my mouth. Worth it.
New Years is happening this weekend, so obviously everyone is going to ask you what your resolution is and everyone needs a good answer. Do you need some help? I have some answers for you.
Pick one and I will give you a lovely New Year's Resolution:
1. Peacock Feather
2. Purple Pillow Case
3. Bronze Elephant
4. Golden T-Rex
5. LED Candle
You will learn how to ride a unicycle.
Purple Pillow Case
You will learn how to draw with pastels.
You will travel to Wisconsin.
You will develop a passion for roller blades.
You will catch up on all your favorite shows.
By she I obviously mean me, but you knew that already because you are intelligent. Unless you aren't, which in that case, I can't help you because I am also not the brightest.
Anyways, so I finished Nanowrimo! I technically finished early, winning on the 28th. I then finished the story on the 29th and then decided to take a few days off from computering in my house. I mean, I obviously still have to write while I am at work given that, it's literally what they pay me to do (still weird btw) but i have been reading and sleeping on the couch and watching TV like my true sloth form.
It always feels good to be done. However I wish after all of these years I would really learn how to plan an exciting ending because as of right now, they are all pretty anticlimactic. Luckily no one has to read them (except me and only if I feel ike torturing myself).
I can edit, but who knows if I will. I mean, I know, and I probably won't. I will say I will, but chances are I won't. I should though. Maybe this year I will, who knows. I mean, it will depend on the quality of my internet connection over the coming months. That's a big factor.
Anyways, now that I am back you can look forward to more stupid content like you have come to excpect. Let's start it off right away shall we?
Classic Fancy Sweatpants game time!
PICK ONE FOR ADVICE AND INSIGHT:
Chocolate Sculpture Of Anne Hathaway
Buy yourself a blanket that is really fuzzy and keep it on the corner of your couch. Also, when a man with dark hair asks for directions, don't trust him, he once promised to buy someone a puppy and then didn't.
Cheese Diorama of Stars Hallow
Someone you know doesn't like chips even though they said they did. They are lying to you. Also you should buy rain boots. You deserve it.
Syrup Painting of the scene in lion king where scar is holding mufasa over the edge
Learn how to make a really good casserole, but never tell anyone the recipe. Also watch out for people who drive red smart cars. They secretly hate the environment and will totally blame it's downfall on you even though they secretly have been dumping hazardous waste into the lake near your house.
Are you introverted? I sure am. I am about as introverted as possible. Now, I have this technique to manage events with a lot of people and it maybe is not the best... When I am around a lot of people, my introvert brain tries to pull the old Over-Correct. Here is the scientific explanation of this condition.
The Introvert OvER-Correct
When faced with a situation where you are going to need to interact with humans, you must discretely hide your fear by being as loud and excitable as possible. This may however, cause people to think you are much drunker than you are. It's fine though, no one cares really, and you embarrass yourself sober anyways so it doesn't really matter.
Moral of the story kids is that interacting with humans is hard but if you fore yourself to do it every once and a while you will find a group of people to scream sing bohemian rhapsody and the fresh prince of bell air with and it will be great.
I am currently in search of some readings for a wedding I am going to just in case I am required to read and all of them are very sappy. Here is what love really is:
Love means telling someone they have a booger hanging from their nose.
Love means laughing when they fart.
Love means making food when they are too tired.
And love means watching movies in your sweatpants.
Love means knowing the the brands of bacon to buy.
Love means tolerating the glitter on the floor.
Love means sharing socks when necessary.
And love means having the pizza ready when they get home.
Love takes time to build up,
And even more to perfect.
But it's worth it when you learn,
Your partners favourite chocolate.
My website tried to change its layouts and when I tried to figure it out I ended up looking like a fool. How do I fix it?
Dear Disaster Designer,
I am right there with you dude. They changed the layouts here and now I don't know what I did but I can't change things. Here are some suggestions that the internet has given me for improving your things.
1. Host a really good podcast that gets sponsored by Squarespace. I am not sponsered... YET. But squarespace if you want to sponser the Timely Waffle we just recorded our first episode in a long time so obviously you should check us out and help us out.
2. Get a really good nerdy friend. According to TV and movies one of the people in your friend group is already a crazy hacker or computer wiz. Trick them with candies and pizzas to build you a better site.
3. Give up and go with what ever option is the least awful of the premade templates.
Hope that helps!
PS: If anyone can actually just explain to me how to fix this... that would be solid. Unless we all are satisfied with the new look then it can stay. Please let me know!
If life is a circus,
Your house is the tent,
Then your dogs are the elephants,
The clowns are your friends,
The acrobats are the are your favourite stars,
And you should be the ring leader.
So make your own circus,
Pick your own acts,
And rock the hell out that top hat.
You know what TV shows should start doing again? Opening credit songs. Think Friends or That 70s Show. Want to know what your theme song should be and what your credit sequence will look like? Pick a type of dog to find your new theme song:
Black and white montage of all the cast members looking calm and somber while a soft violin plays a quiet song. The sequence ends with a group shot of everyone sitting around a long table where you are at the head of the table looking upset.
Trumpets play while scenery of the town your show is based in flash before the screen ending on a wide shot of the Welcome to "blahblah" sign with you standing in front of it waving.
A high energy choreographed number to a psychedelic 60s style song complete with trippy multicoloured set.
Classic 90s style theme song where each character is announced while they do the whole turn and cross arms thing or the hands on the hips with a jazzy song about being there for your friends.
Just you and a piano as you tap dance through an empty street at night only illuminated by the street lights.
Want to know your future? Pick a door. You are stuck with your first instinct. No switching!
Door Number 1
Door Number 2
Door Number 3
Door Number 1
You will one day find the perfect recipe for chocolate chip cookies. You will share it with a friend who will publish it and become rich. They will not give you credit and you will be forced to live with that fact.
But you will however get a pet one day that will make you smile every day. Except when it vomits in your shoe... but you will forgive it because it will make you millions by becoming an instagram celebrity.
Door Number 2
You will discover the cure to a terrible disease but no one will believe you.
But you will then create the next dating app that gets super popular and makes you a lot of money.
Door Number 3
You will get a disease when you go on vacation.
But the disease will be the ability to turn things into chocolate at your own discretion. That piece of paper? Dark chocolate. That fork? Milk chocolate. That coffee mug? White chocolate. Nicely done. You chose correctly.
I have a problem. I have been feeling incredibly guilty lately for a variety of reasons. How do you deal with guilt? I mean, I even feel guilty for not stealing the tiny monkey from the zoo? I am feeling guilty over not committing a crime! It is becoming a big problem.
Hi there Guilty Gertie,
Nice to hear from you, here is a few tips I have gathered over the years to stop the guilty feelings.
Tip #1: Realize that you will never once make anyone happy ever. That way, if you make someone smile even the slightest bit, you will be floored.
Tip #2: Shut down the parts of your brain that comprehend emotion. Replace that with the ever present sarcasm that will serve your bitter heart.
Tip #3: Always carry wire cutters so you can cut open the monkey enclosures at the zoo. Also, before you return to the zoo look up monkey enclosure information and exactly what they eat. You are likely going to need to turn your spare bedroom into a monkey home.
So good luck in your monkey hunt!
Also, don't steal my monkey. I will then be forced to hunt you.
Don't feel guilty! Get that monkey!