The other day I brought Winston to work with me. Why? Because I like to make my life more difficult than it needs to be. Also because he is cute and funny to look at. Here is how the drive in went.
Me: Winston, you are coming to work with me! Get in the car!
Winston: OH BOY! CAR RIDE! COOL!
Me: Okay, let's roll!
Winston: OH GOD I HATE THIS! *whine whine whine*
Me: You were SO excited thirty seconds ago.
Winston: BUT ITS MOVING SO SLOW! GO FASTER! I ONLY LIKE MOVING FAST!
Me: Okay bud, there are speed limits I have to follow.
Winston: NO! DRIVE FAST! I'M FRIGHTENED!
Me: That makes no sense...
Winston: WHEN HAVE I EVER MADE SENSE!?
Me: Fair point. Shall I put on your favorite songs?
Winston: YES! HURRY!
Me: *puts on Winston's favorite CD: Backstreets Boys*
Winston: THAT'S GREAT! THANK YOU!
Me: Alright now stop whining.
Winston: MAYBE... WE'LL SEE. I WILL PROBABLY STOP FOR A BIT AND START AGAIN AS SOON AS YOU STOP THE CAR BUT I'LL BE FINE! MAYBE. PROBABLY. WE'LL SEE! CAN I SIT ON YOUR LAP? I KNOW YOU SAID I DON'T FIT BUT MAYBE IF I JUST, SQUEEZE IN THERE....
Me: SIT DOWN!
Winston: NO NEED TO BE MEAN!
Me: This is going to be a long ass drive to work...
Winston: BACKSTREETS BACK ALRIGHT!
Have you ever wondered what the concept meetings look like for music videos? Especially music videos in the 90s? I have an example of how I think the meeting happened for Too Much by the Spice Girls, easily one of the weirdest music videos I know. Ready? Let's do this.
Too Much Music Video proposal Transcript
Gary: So, I have the perfect concept for the next Spice Girls video.
Bill: Okay Gary, Shoot.
Susan: Wait, is it going to have a story that will captivate the young audiences?
Denise: Yes, the last video your proposed to us that we used for the Backstreet Boys was so good we can't mess up.
Gary: Oh don't you worry, okay ready? We separate all the girls .
Susan: Okay... but half of their appeal is the group as a whole and the whole "Girl Power" thing as a team.
Gary: Susan, just listen. So after we show a firework over a war zone, we have Posh in a catsuit writhing beside a rocket ship wearing some type of cat ears. Then you show Scary wearing a scary necklace. Then Sporty should be wearing something that might be stylish at the time but is probably racially insensitive. Then Baby should be in a haunted house of sorts, and Ginger will be lost in time back in WWII.
Bill: Okay wait. So none of these stories are connected?
Gary: That's right.
Bill: Brilliant. Continue.
Gary: So each have their own little world. Scary is in a war, Posh with the rocket, Baby in a haunted house, Sporty in China, and Ginger still in the 1940s. They each sin their parts in their special little while we intersperse unrelated parts of their movie that is coming out because it's important to get that cross promotion going. Now using these other clips will save us money on new shoots and allow us to dump 80% of our budget on the explosions and special effects. Scary's war zone is exploding, Posh's rocket room is literally self imploding and Baby's bed is full on possessed. So it's important that noting actually resolves and their areas just end off with explosions. Except Ginger's, she should probably just hang out with some navy men.
Denise: Wow. Gary, that is really...
Bill: I mean, how can we even ..
Susan: It's garbage.
Gary: I know.
Susan: Perfect, get it into production.
watch The result below and see for yourself.
Winston: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: No. It's 4 in the morning. Go away.
Winston: But I want food and I want to go pee and I want peanut butter and I want to dance a million dances before the sun comes up!
Me: NO. It's early.
Winston: Alright if that's how it's going to be... *STANDS ON TANYA'S BODY*
Me: Ouch... get off of me!
Winston: *flops down and spreads his body across mine* NO! Take me outside.
Me: FINE! God. So there, out you go.
Winston: Hang on, what's that?
Me: It's lightly drizzling. Go anyways.
Winston: No thanks. Bed time!
*FIVE MINUTES PASS*
Winston: I WANT TO GO PEE!
Me: We just did this it's raining.
Winston: No it's not don't be mean, take me.
Me: UGH fine.
*it's still raining*
Winston: It's raining.
Me: Yes, as I told you.
Winston: Make it stop.
Me: Can't, my weather powers don't wake up until 10:30am.
Winston: Don't be a jerk. Make it stop.
Me: I literally cannot. Just go pee dude it's not going to kill you.
Winston: I MIGHT DROWN!
Me: I 100% guarantee you will not.
Me: GO PEE DAMNIT!
Winston: Come with me, I'm frightened.
Me: You know, some days I really dislike you.
Winston: I love you too!
The best way to make your day a little bit better is to prepare in advance. Don't understand what I mean? Let me paint you a picture.
Meet Tanya, an emotional eating pessimist who tends to buy snacks and eat them all in one night. So one day when she buys herself a special treat and puts it in the fridge for later she didn't know how this would impact her future life. Weeks later Tanya is looking for something in the fridge and happens upon the magical snack her entire day is upgraded to a level that is only achieved when one finds chocolate treats in their fridge.
So now I am going to go eat my secret fridge chocolate. Or maybe I will leave it in the fridge for another day because it won't take long because my memory is worse than most fish.
Tanya: Hey Winston, why are you so itchy?
Winston: Well, you see I have decided to host a menagerie of pests.
Tanya: Okay but why...
Winston: It is fun to scratch!
Tanya: You are giving yourself bald spots dude? Stop scratching!
Winston: No! I like it!
Tanya: But your precious hairs buddy! You need those! Winter is coming!
Winston: I don't know what that means but I don't care!
Tanya: Winter is when all that cold white stuff sits on the ground and makes it slippy and wet when you try to pee.
Winston: NO! I hate that stuff. It is cold on my beautiful feet!
Tanya: I don't know that I would call your feet beautiful dude...
Winston: HOW DARE YOU!
Tanya: Sorry man, I am just a little annoyed about that you are full of annoying itchy bugs and getting them all over the house.
Winston: They are my friends though!
Tanya: They are quite literally drinking your blood.
Tanya: What did you think they were doing?
Winston: I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY FRIENDS!
Tanya: No.. Dude they are not. You have scabs. Friends don't give friends scabs.
I am one very sleepy lady.
Learning how to surf the internet professionally is exhausting.
My life is so challenging.
Please don't hate me,
I am kidding.
Well, not about being tired.
That is the truth.
This is going no where.
Latest conversation with the Dogs:
Winston: HEY! HEY! HEY! LOOK AT ME!
Winston: ARE YOU LOOKING! ARE YOU SEEING THIS!
Me: Yes... you look like you always do?
Winston: WHAT! LOOK AT ME! *spins* LOOK HOW HANDSOME I LOOK!
Me: Of course, yes?
Winston: YOU DON'T EVEN SEE IT DO YOU!? I HAVE A DASHING BANDANA ON! LOOK AT ME!
Me: Ohhhh, okay. Yes, it looks quite nice. Do you like it? Do you want me to take it off of you? *reaches to pull it off*
Winston: *Jumps Back* HOW DARE YOU! I AM A STYLE ICON!
Me: Oh, of course.
Winston: GO GET ME SIX MORE OF THESE I NEED ONE FOR EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK! I AM GOING TO START AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT! HOW DO I GET FOLLOWERS!? WHAT IS A FOLLOWER! WHAT IS INSTAGRAM! HELP ME I WANT TO LOOK FABULOUS!
Me: Calm down. I will get you some more relax!
Me: *whispers* My god he is demanding.
Winston: I HEARD THAT!
Oh the Sweet Gods of Creativity,
Your poor subject Tanya is begging for help.
She presents her sacrifice upon your alters:
Three unfinished manuscripts,
Two unedited podcasts,
And a bag of painting supplies,
In hopes that you will grant her with some creative inspiration.
Your gracious gifts have been appreciated in the past,
And while she may not always express her gratitude appropriately,
She is ever longing to prove that she deserves your attention.
Please do not fail her now.
Hey, Remember that time my dreams came true and I got to go to Hogwarts?
Yeah. I stood there. I took that picture. I even went INTO Hogwarts.
Best three days of my life.
Just thought I would remind everyone including myself that there is some magical things that happen sometimes.
Can someone please do the following things for me?
Wash my Hair
Do my makeup
Do my laundry
Pick my outfits
Pay my bills
Train my dogs
Build me custom furniture
and do my errands.
And I will sit around and watch RuPaul's Drag Race and you know... Eat.