An actual Phone Call between me and the garçon.
Him: What's up?
Me: I was wondering *awkward noise* when you were home tonight?
Him: What? Oh, um, I wasn't going to be home until later? Are you okay? You sound upset about something?
Me: Oh... Um no, not at all. I was trying not to burp.
Him: Oh, of course.
Me: I am going to go eat some cheese ... see ya!
Him: Bye bye!
True love means trying to finish at least one sentence without burping, and then when failing, the other person still tolerates you.
What did you spend your night doing? I bet it wasn't designing a T-shit with Bob Ross' face on it for your boyfriend. If it was, please email me I think we would be friends.
I will admit I messed up the first attempt. Note to self: Always buy dark transfer packages, you will almost always be making black shirts.
A little tip for anyone who has chronic insomnia (Crystal, I am looking right at you). Put on Bob Ross (Now on Netflix) before bed. He is super soothing and also kind of strange but in a weird dad way. He speaks nonsense and makes paintings that make me REALLY upset because in 30 minutes he accomplishes something I would never be able to recreate. But it is quite soothing and makes me want to pull out the old oil paintings and see what I can accomplish.
Dave and I have vowed to have a Bob Ross paint night in a couple weeks. I will let you know how that goes.
I think that there is a strange amount of satisfaction that can be obtained by watching your significant other experience the pain you endure to try to make yourself look nicer. I recently have been testing out this "Nightmare Machine" or as everyone else calls it an Epilator, and he came in to see what the weird noise was.
Garcon: What the heck is that?
Me: Oh Just the nightmare machine.
G: What is it doing?
Me: uhh essentially using a billion tiny tweezers to pull out all my leg hair.
G: Gross why?
Me: Because shaving every two days is a hassle and I have been informed that this lasts longer. However it hurts.
G: Can't be that bad. *Steals it from my hands and examines*
Me: Fine you try it on your arm
G: *Goes with hair so nothing pulls out*
Me: Other way *pushes it up against grain*
G: *Terror slowly creeps across his face* WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME
Me: I am not even touching it!
G: Not nice. *hands it back to me walks away pouting*
I still had a leg and a half to do still. It sucks sometimes trying to be less hairy. I mean, most of the tim I don't care because I am not trying to impress anyone, however it is summer and I don't really love having gross hairs poking out everywhere... but there is something a little bit fun about watching a man experience pain that they don't even have to consider at all.
I have been in a relationship for almost 11 years now so I think I have some valid tips for you if you are looking to keep that spark alive. Here is how we keep the excitement in our relationship:
Take Trips Together
Take mini vacations as often as possible, whether it be to the grocery store or the hospital, little times together spent not at home gives you something new to talk about. Also, when you have been to the hospital as much as we have, you get to know which nurses are less likely to bruise you when taking blood.
Get A Pet
Raising an animal together gives you prime opportunity to blame another creature for any messes you made but don't want to take responsibility for. Puppies also are good for blaming farts on when you don't want to be the one who cleared the room.
Nothing says romance like a big ol' burrito. Bring your loved one home a burrito and I GUARANTEE you will share a long and wonderful life together. Don't forget to get chips and salsa to get that meal deal. Your significant other will appreciate the salty snacks AND your savvy business skills.
The lovely fellow that I share my home with tends to get injured quite regularly. I mean, the boy is recognized more frequently at hospitals by doctors than at grocery stores. And I mean, he is in those just as much. Needless to say, the boy is always bleeding from somewhere.
Right now he has this big wound on his arm and I think it has been there so long it has developed its own little mind. So much so that I think it might start talking to me soon. Here is how that will go.
A conversation with a Wound
Me: Man that is a nasty cut.
Wound: Hey, don't be so rude. You don't look that great either you know.
Me: Did you just talk to me?!
Wound: Yes, what's it to ya?! I am sick of you two talking about how nice it will be when I go away. How is that supposed to make me feel huh? Here I am just trying to make a name for myself and you and that goof whose arm I live on just jabber on and on about how much it sucks that I am in your life. Oh Boo-Hoo some of his clothes have blood on them, well you know what, THAT IS HOW I GET NOTICED OKAY! NOT ALL OF US ARE FIVE FEET WHATEVER TALL AND LOUD ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE ON THE BLOCK TO HEAR!
Me: To be fair, I can obviously hear you and you are being VERY loud. Also, I mean, this is going to sound rude but you were an accident.
Wound: Ya well, so were you. No one actually wants babies. That is a lie their parents tell them so they don't cry all the time.
Me: I know, that isn't a surprise to me. Who would want a baby? There are about as inconvenient as a BIG GAPING ARM WOUND!
Wound: Oh, very clever. Smarty pants thinks she's got me beat now.
Me: I don't think that at all, I just wish you would understand that while you are a very impressive cut, we kind of had hoped you would heal up already. But hey, you can leave a scar if you want! That's something right?
Wound: How would you like it if I said you could die right now but hey at least your ghost could haunt some poor chumps for a while? Not so great eh?
Me: Hmm.. well if you put it that way...
Wound: *sniff* All I wanted was to be noticed. Show you how cool and grotesque the human body really is. Had you ever seen the inside of an arm before? NO! Now you have and you haven't even thanked me.
Me: Well, Thank you, but I think Dave would like his arm to seal back up so he can stop worrying about really dangerous infections.
Wound: Well, I guess so. But is is okay if I come back another time? Maybe in a different location?
Me: Of course, Dave is real clumsy so I am sure we will see you in no time!
Wound: Alright, I will start packing up my things. It was nice to have this heart to heart with you.
Me: Yes, gaining an understanding of each other has been really enlightening. We will see you soon.
**NOTE**I mean, if you want to send me away to somewhere that you don't have to worry about me talking to people I would be okay with that. Just, make sure there is WIFI and unlimited ice cream. I understand I am a danger to society...
I don't often feel smart. I especially don't feel smarter than Dave. He is a very smart dude and can build and make whatever. However today, I got to have a two minute moment where I felt smarter than him.
The moment your significant other tries to light a fake candle on fire, is a moment you get to feel like a winner. Also a moment you have to worry for the safety of your belongings, because if said significant other is attempting to light things on fire that is an issue for sure.
What are "Fancy Sweatpants" you ask? How can sweatpants be any kind of fancy? Well, when you spend about 80% of you days in sweatpants you have to differentiate.
It's really a very simple and probably pathetic story but obviously I am going to tell it.
Here is how it went:
Dave (the boyfriend): Hey, want to go get some groceries?
Tanya (that is me): I don't know, I guess so.
Dave: Okay so let's go.
Tanya: *looks at pants* Okay but hold on, let me change into my fancy sweatpants.
Dave: *raises eyebrow*
Dave: What are fancy sweatpants?
Tanya: Well these pants are my regular sweatpants *points at $8 mens sweatpants from Zellers* And these sweatpants *holds up fancy sweatpants* are my FANCY SWEATPANTS!
Dave: *rolls eyes*
And that is how it happened. That is the exciting story for which I will name my memoire. Such an anti-climax right? But really that moment is fairly defining moment in that I realized how sad it was that I literally thought of my sweatpants as fancy. Because I seriously do.
I mean, maybe because they are literally the most expensive article of clothing I own to this day. They are Roots sweatpants, they cost like in the upwards of $70. I don't own any other pants that cost anywhere close to that. So yes. They are god damn fancy as hell.
This is a lot of money to spend on a pair of pants that are supposed to only be worn in your house. Granted, I don't only just wear them in my house I wear them everywhere that its considered moderately acceptable to do so. Grocery stores, friends houses, Costco...restaurants...
Okay so maybe I wear my sweatpants more than socially acceptable but in my defence, as previously mentioned, they cost more than any other article of clothing so I am just trying to be fancy.
You know what, I thought this story would be funnier. I guess I am not as funny as I thought. Way to go internet, you are supposed to build my confidence not destroy me before I am any kind of anything.