Today is the 4 anniversary of Winston being in my life.
4 years ago today I brought home Sir Winston Loo Dog Lewis Piggy Chauncey Snarf Monster Pugglesworth and he has been the main focus of my mind ever since .
The things I love most about him:
- Pretty much everything
The things I love least about him:
- He will never know the full extent to which I love his stupid face
(And i mean, sometimes he pees on stuff but mostly the other thing)
I think you should all follow him on instagram because I have become the kind of person who own a dog with their own instagram. I have accepted it so you should too.
There are dogs, and then there are good dogs. I mean, all dogs are good dogs, but there are a select few that are just the goodest of dogs.
What kind of grammatically incorrect nonsense is this? well, it is into incorrect at all. It is a concept we came up with at work the other day. Because all dogs are good dogs, how do you differentiate with those who are truly amazing?
They are the goodest.
Dogs like Jackson at work, who prompted this discussion, he is so lovely and happy.
Or Zuul the wiggly love monkey.
Or Noodle, the sassy lady.
Or Pess the particular princess.
Or Louis the tiny king.
Or Dresden the smart floof giant.
Or Varo the dorky dufus.
Or Winston, my lovely pug, he tries so so hard.
So many of the goodest dogs.
I love dogs, guys.
Like a lot.
Some say too much, I say no such thing.
The other day I brought Winston to work with me. Why? Because I like to make my life more difficult than it needs to be. Also because he is cute and funny to look at. Here is how the drive in went.
Me: Winston, you are coming to work with me! Get in the car!
Winston: OH BOY! CAR RIDE! COOL!
Me: Okay, let's roll!
Winston: OH GOD I HATE THIS! *whine whine whine*
Me: You were SO excited thirty seconds ago.
Winston: BUT ITS MOVING SO SLOW! GO FASTER! I ONLY LIKE MOVING FAST!
Me: Okay bud, there are speed limits I have to follow.
Winston: NO! DRIVE FAST! I'M FRIGHTENED!
Me: That makes no sense...
Winston: WHEN HAVE I EVER MADE SENSE!?
Me: Fair point. Shall I put on your favorite songs?
Winston: YES! HURRY!
Me: *puts on Winston's favorite CD: Backstreets Boys*
Winston: THAT'S GREAT! THANK YOU!
Me: Alright now stop whining.
Winston: MAYBE... WE'LL SEE. I WILL PROBABLY STOP FOR A BIT AND START AGAIN AS SOON AS YOU STOP THE CAR BUT I'LL BE FINE! MAYBE. PROBABLY. WE'LL SEE! CAN I SIT ON YOUR LAP? I KNOW YOU SAID I DON'T FIT BUT MAYBE IF I JUST, SQUEEZE IN THERE....
Me: SIT DOWN!
Winston: NO NEED TO BE MEAN!
Me: This is going to be a long ass drive to work...
Winston: BACKSTREETS BACK ALRIGHT!
I thought I would update you all on my Nanowrimo progress so you don't think I died. Don't worry, I can't die. I am mostly inhuman as is it - like a solid 85% machine (i wish this were true).
Anyways, I passed the half way point of Nano last night, and will continue on that train any minute now once I get my shit together and stop watching YouTube videos that will 100% be there after I finish this book.
Halfway for those who don't know is 25,000 words in the month of November as the goal is 50,000 words. So far, my story has gone a weird way I wasn't expecting with a new character coming in and winning me over and then some other stuff happening. I don't really know how to get where I want to go, but I am working on it. Luckily, first drafts don't matter.
So what else has happened since I last was around? America did something stupid, letting the rest of us down, and also I did laundry. The two are very different in scale but somehow are the only things I can think of right now.
Oh! I also went to a Pet Expo. Let me tell you, if it wasn't clear that I was a crazy dog lady before that day, it is definitely clear to all of the city now. Big dogs, small dogs, squishy faces, pointy faces, fluffy, curly, wire hair, no hair, ugly, cute, old and young I literally love them all more than anything. Like, you can get rid of just about anything I own, and if I am holding a puppy I probably will not notice. I mean, unless it's any of my Harry Potter stuff then you better give it back or I will form a puppy army and get you. I think Crystal became aware of my true dog obsession as every single dog we passed I was required by law (Tanya law) to pet. Luckily she gets it, as she also loves dogs and also cats. We make for quite the pair of animal obsessed weirdos.
Anyways, I need to go write. Wish me luck!
24,907 remaining words to win.
Winston: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: No. It's 4 in the morning. Go away.
Winston: But I want food and I want to go pee and I want peanut butter and I want to dance a million dances before the sun comes up!
Me: NO. It's early.
Winston: Alright if that's how it's going to be... *STANDS ON TANYA'S BODY*
Me: Ouch... get off of me!
Winston: *flops down and spreads his body across mine* NO! Take me outside.
Me: FINE! God. So there, out you go.
Winston: Hang on, what's that?
Me: It's lightly drizzling. Go anyways.
Winston: No thanks. Bed time!
*FIVE MINUTES PASS*
Winston: I WANT TO GO PEE!
Me: We just did this it's raining.
Winston: No it's not don't be mean, take me.
Me: UGH fine.
*it's still raining*
Winston: It's raining.
Me: Yes, as I told you.
Winston: Make it stop.
Me: Can't, my weather powers don't wake up until 10:30am.
Winston: Don't be a jerk. Make it stop.
Me: I literally cannot. Just go pee dude it's not going to kill you.
Winston: I MIGHT DROWN!
Me: I 100% guarantee you will not.
Me: GO PEE DAMNIT!
Winston: Come with me, I'm frightened.
Me: You know, some days I really dislike you.
Winston: I love you too!
Tanya: Hey Winston, why are you so itchy?
Winston: Well, you see I have decided to host a menagerie of pests.
Tanya: Okay but why...
Winston: It is fun to scratch!
Tanya: You are giving yourself bald spots dude? Stop scratching!
Winston: No! I like it!
Tanya: But your precious hairs buddy! You need those! Winter is coming!
Winston: I don't know what that means but I don't care!
Tanya: Winter is when all that cold white stuff sits on the ground and makes it slippy and wet when you try to pee.
Winston: NO! I hate that stuff. It is cold on my beautiful feet!
Tanya: I don't know that I would call your feet beautiful dude...
Winston: HOW DARE YOU!
Tanya: Sorry man, I am just a little annoyed about that you are full of annoying itchy bugs and getting them all over the house.
Winston: They are my friends though!
Tanya: They are quite literally drinking your blood.
Tanya: What did you think they were doing?
Winston: I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY FRIENDS!
Tanya: No.. Dude they are not. You have scabs. Friends don't give friends scabs.
I would like to know what it would be like to be a dog. I am 100% certain I have said this before, but they have the most majestic lives. I mean, I guess it might be stressful for them when they don't understand that you will be back but just imagine it for a second...
Now you find a reason to tell me that this isn't amazing and I will ignore you because it sounds like the greatest.
Latest conversation with the Dogs:
Winston: HEY! HEY! HEY! LOOK AT ME!
Winston: ARE YOU LOOKING! ARE YOU SEEING THIS!
Me: Yes... you look like you always do?
Winston: WHAT! LOOK AT ME! *spins* LOOK HOW HANDSOME I LOOK!
Me: Of course, yes?
Winston: YOU DON'T EVEN SEE IT DO YOU!? I HAVE A DASHING BANDANA ON! LOOK AT ME!
Me: Ohhhh, okay. Yes, it looks quite nice. Do you like it? Do you want me to take it off of you? *reaches to pull it off*
Winston: *Jumps Back* HOW DARE YOU! I AM A STYLE ICON!
Me: Oh, of course.
Winston: GO GET ME SIX MORE OF THESE I NEED ONE FOR EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK! I AM GOING TO START AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT! HOW DO I GET FOLLOWERS!? WHAT IS A FOLLOWER! WHAT IS INSTAGRAM! HELP ME I WANT TO LOOK FABULOUS!
Me: Calm down. I will get you some more relax!
Me: *whispers* My god he is demanding.
Winston: I HEARD THAT!
I own a dog that I love very much however his obedience is sub-par. I wish to have a well trained dog but he sometimes just won't listen to me no matter what I try. I have read all the Dog Whisperer books but nothing works. Please help!
Dear Dog Dope,
Don't worry, everyone's dogs are usually pretty unreliable. From my understanding dogs are just an unpredictable creature that lives in your house and occasionally steals your cookies. Wait what? You say that most people's dogs are well behaved and don't even bark for no reason? And that their dog's don't sometimes pee inside their owner's shoes? I am sorry I will have to excuse myself while I go sell a kidney to pay for obedience school for my dogs.
If you would like a tip, don't do anything I do. My dogs are the worst.
(But I love them more than anything).