New Years is happening this weekend, so obviously everyone is going to ask you what your resolution is and everyone needs a good answer. Do you need some help? I have some answers for you.
Pick one and I will give you a lovely New Year's Resolution:
1. Peacock Feather
2. Purple Pillow Case
3. Bronze Elephant
4. Golden T-Rex
5. LED Candle
You will learn how to ride a unicycle.
Purple Pillow Case
You will learn how to draw with pastels.
You will travel to Wisconsin.
You will develop a passion for roller blades.
You will catch up on all your favorite shows.
By she I obviously mean me, but you knew that already because you are intelligent. Unless you aren't, which in that case, I can't help you because I am also not the brightest.
Anyways, so I finished Nanowrimo! I technically finished early, winning on the 28th. I then finished the story on the 29th and then decided to take a few days off from computering in my house. I mean, I obviously still have to write while I am at work given that, it's literally what they pay me to do (still weird btw) but i have been reading and sleeping on the couch and watching TV like my true sloth form.
It always feels good to be done. However I wish after all of these years I would really learn how to plan an exciting ending because as of right now, they are all pretty anticlimactic. Luckily no one has to read them (except me and only if I feel ike torturing myself).
I can edit, but who knows if I will. I mean, I know, and I probably won't. I will say I will, but chances are I won't. I should though. Maybe this year I will, who knows. I mean, it will depend on the quality of my internet connection over the coming months. That's a big factor.
Anyways, now that I am back you can look forward to more stupid content like you have come to excpect. Let's start it off right away shall we?
Classic Fancy Sweatpants game time!
PICK ONE FOR ADVICE AND INSIGHT:
Chocolate Sculpture Of Anne Hathaway
Buy yourself a blanket that is really fuzzy and keep it on the corner of your couch. Also, when a man with dark hair asks for directions, don't trust him, he once promised to buy someone a puppy and then didn't.
Cheese Diorama of Stars Hallow
Someone you know doesn't like chips even though they said they did. They are lying to you. Also you should buy rain boots. You deserve it.
Syrup Painting of the scene in lion king where scar is holding mufasa over the edge
Learn how to make a really good casserole, but never tell anyone the recipe. Also watch out for people who drive red smart cars. They secretly hate the environment and will totally blame it's downfall on you even though they secretly have been dumping hazardous waste into the lake near your house.
You know what TV shows should start doing again? Opening credit songs. Think Friends or That 70s Show. Want to know what your theme song should be and what your credit sequence will look like? Pick a type of dog to find your new theme song:
Black and white montage of all the cast members looking calm and somber while a soft violin plays a quiet song. The sequence ends with a group shot of everyone sitting around a long table where you are at the head of the table looking upset.
Trumpets play while scenery of the town your show is based in flash before the screen ending on a wide shot of the Welcome to "blahblah" sign with you standing in front of it waving.
A high energy choreographed number to a psychedelic 60s style song complete with trippy multicoloured set.
Classic 90s style theme song where each character is announced while they do the whole turn and cross arms thing or the hands on the hips with a jazzy song about being there for your friends.
Just you and a piano as you tap dance through an empty street at night only illuminated by the street lights.
Want to know your future? Pick a door. You are stuck with your first instinct. No switching!
Door Number 1
Door Number 2
Door Number 3
Door Number 1
You will one day find the perfect recipe for chocolate chip cookies. You will share it with a friend who will publish it and become rich. They will not give you credit and you will be forced to live with that fact.
But you will however get a pet one day that will make you smile every day. Except when it vomits in your shoe... but you will forgive it because it will make you millions by becoming an instagram celebrity.
Door Number 2
You will discover the cure to a terrible disease but no one will believe you.
But you will then create the next dating app that gets super popular and makes you a lot of money.
Door Number 3
You will get a disease when you go on vacation.
But the disease will be the ability to turn things into chocolate at your own discretion. That piece of paper? Dark chocolate. That fork? Milk chocolate. That coffee mug? White chocolate. Nicely done. You chose correctly.
All you student types are heading back to school and you might be wondering, what will this year be like? Will you be pretty, will you be rich, this is what your blog writer tells you to be. You know the rules, pick one then scroll to see your destiny!
Pick One TO Learn Your School Year Destiny
You will have an impressive academic accomplishment in your third month, but more impressively you will learn how to make the most perfect bowl of Kraft Dinner.
Your crafting skills are going to reach new heights in March.
You will learn how to clean your room really well during midterms and your last paper of the year is going to get a solid A-.
Your cell phone bill is going to end up really high one month so maybe watch the Data. Also make sure you invest in a solid pair of sweatpants because you will need them.
You will fall for a rock star first semester, but in the second semester they will get signed to a fancy label and they will demand you be their muse and ask you to follow them on tour but you refuse. You have way too much to do with school and exams, so you break it off with them and they write an entire album in your honour.
I promised you Harry Potter content. So Let's Do this.
Pick one and see what it reveals about you.
Pick your Wizarding World Object
You probably haven't done laundry in two months and just buy new underwear instead of washing it.
Your favourite vegetable is chocolate and you will not let anyone else tell you that you are wrong.
You know how to cook really well but you hide that fact because you are terrified of giving someone food poisoning.
You are louder than most people but only when you are drunk.
You have a terrible memory, at least when related to numbers and people's birthdays.
I took the weekend to not write any stupid nonsense that you all love so much, and then when I tried to get back into it on Monday, it WOULD NOT LOAD!
I apologize for the inconvenience to your entertainment schedule. I shall be back with regular nonsense for you as much as possible. In honour of my goofy little cousin whom I know enjoys the "Pick One" games, I have one of those for you. So please Pick One. Share it with your friends and Tag which ones you are #fancysweatpants
WHY WON't YOUR COMPUTER LOAD?
A tiny but evil elf has made it's home in your computer, causing the wires to get overwhelmed by the added weight of his body as he uses it as a hammock.
CRACK TACO SHELL
Dude when was the last time you paid your internet bill? They shut that shit down three weeks ago.
Your dog peed on your modem. You are going to need a new modem and probably a better dog. Or Doggy Diapers. Those exist, look it up.
15 CARDBOARD CUTOUTS OF WILLIAM SHATNER
The internet took a vote, you are too weird for it. Please re-evaluate your life and reapply in three to four weeks.
A wild boar got into your internet service provider's office. It injured many people but no one has been able to call for help. The only person who is uninjured is linked in a room with no phone, only the speed and quality buttons and is frantically pressing them on and off in hopes that someone will eventually be so mad they will come down and realize the situation and help all the people who have been maimed by this vicious creature.
PS- Do you want to know the true irony of this post? As I went to go to post it it freaked out and wouldn't load and then I lost a chunk of it. THANKS INTERNET! I am sure you will survive the boar attacks, please stop inconveniencing my life ever so slightly so that someone will come help you. We all know it wouldn't be me. I don't ... go places.
Let's not pretend we aren't all collecting Pokemon while trying to pretend we are just checking our texts outside the bank. Let's all just realize that we want to catch 'em all and stop harassing those who are doing better. I mean, obvious there is some rules we should all follow. Such as:
WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING
Seriously, I am just as bad as everyone else. Walking around with their face on the screen. But maybe, now that the notification settings are set better I won't be such a clumsy monster. If it works on your phone, it should vibrate when something important is happening. Do that instead of walking without looking. People will end up getting eaten by real life monsters while they search for the cartoon ones.
BE NICE TO YOUR PETS
Remember your real animals need love too. They also need water when you go on your long poke-walks. Bring a bowl for them so they don't get dehydrated and don't forget to love them because they are in the reality reality not the augmented reality.
DON'T LET THE JERKS GET YOU DOWN!
For as many people I see playing or talking about Pokemon go, you see just as many people wasting time badmouthing it. How about people who aren't fans just shh a bit and let us dorks have our fun. We are going outside and walking around. You make fun of us when we stay inside to play our games, you make fun of us if we go outside to play them... HOW CAN WE WIN? And don't say stop playing games because that is not a reasonable request.
Those are my tips so far on Pokemon Go. I hope everyone trains well and stays safe. If only there was a gym closer to my house...
I am filled with answers. I don't even need to know the question, and I will have an answer for you. Are you ready? All you have to do is ask a question, then pick a number between one and five and scroll to the answer that you need. Good Luck!
Probably don't, but if you do I won't tell anyone.
Yes but first get a really good pair of shoes. Just in case.
Absolutely not, don't be gross.
You're better than that, come on.
Of course. Always. Wait what did you say? Oh, then I don't know. Are they going to be there? Then I don't know. If it is raining definitely not, if it is sunny then yes but only for like, five minutes.
Pick a colour for some advice:
Take a shower. You smell bad.
Eat a cheeseburger, you look hungry.
Don't get bangs, you will regret it.
Drink some water, you look dehydrated.
Pet a dog, you need some unconditional love.
Watch Parks and Rec. You'll like it.