Because it's January, everyone is thinking about their New Year's Resolutions. I am trying to get more organized and a bunch of other boring stuff, but we all know what the real goals are and what matters.
Resolutions That Are Actually Achievable:
What are your actual achievable resolutions? Have you already failed at yours? I sure have... just ate a super hot cookie and definitely burned my mouth. Worth it.
When I need to do something that is for my own good, I tend to just... not.
We were hosting a Halloween gathering of sorts, and instead of figuring out a costume, I thought of EVERY costume I could do if I had enough time and instead ignored this years plans. Luckily for me, my last minute costume worked out. I found a captains hat and my ghetto homemade captain's cardigan allowed my to become the Undead Captain of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Yes, like the Gordon Lightfoot song.
Why? Because Dave insisted on being the Edmund Fitzgerald and I needed a costume. The options were, be a captain which is fine and can do fun things with that, or Dave's suggestion: Be a Shoal. AKA the rocks on the bottom of the ocean they suspect caused the Edmund Fitzgerald to sink. I went with captain.
Crystal helped me craft a boat, and watched me put on my new and improved eyebrows for like.. twenty minutes. I enjoyed having enormous eyebrows. I think I might just do it for fun now. Hello next family pictures look!
Now, as for my last few days where have I been? Attempting to write and then distracting myself with absolutely nothing. Like, I have found myself staring at dead bug smudges on the wall instead of writing. Oh Nanowrimo, every year I think I will go into and be super awesome at it, and yet every year it reminds me that my brain is a weird place.
I am only on chapter 2 and my plan is already completely off track. I have no idea what's going to happen now. I am a little afraid. It got weird. But I think it will be... fine. I mean that's why you never publish the first draft. I like one of my characters little quirks though. He likes to call the main character a different type of cheese every time he addresses her. I am running out of cheese types though.
I need to get back to writing, but I hope you all are well. Stick with me and hopefully I will get back on track updates wise!
I have no idea what to be for Halloween. Halloween is supposed to be fun but it just stresses me out. For someone who pretends like they are creative, I seem to be having exactly zero ideas.
What I have done is make a zombie out of a Barbie. That was a fun use of a Friday night.
If anyone has ANY ideas for me please let me know! Leave a comment, tweet me, tumblr, pinterest, instagram, smoke signals, morse code, telegram, anything. Please help.
Long weekend is almost here,
I can almost taste it.
One more day.
My internet was down yesterday so I couldn't do this.
But here is to the dad's who tell corny jokes.
And the one's wearing crocs all year long.
Here is to those with Moustaches and Beards,
Or the ones with bald spots they try to hide.
Good job raising us,
Your annoying kids.
You love us always,
Like us some times.
But you will always come through
When we need you.
Happy Father's Day.
Holiday Mondays are a trap.
You think you can go do some shopping at Costco.
But instead it's too busy so you abandon your cart in front of a BBQ.
Why does the easter bunny lay eggs?
Well, the story of this is, a long time ago a bunny made out with a duck and the duck was sick. He had a problem where he was highly contagious so when they made out the bunny caught what the duck's disease. However what no one ever knew before, even science, was that laying eggs is actually a disease not a thing of nature. So part of the disease the bunny got was that he lay eggs. To make the eggs less disgusting, he started swallowing homemade tablets of food colouring that explode in his stomach acid and splatters on the eggs. So the become pretty and also disgusting.
Thats the story of the easter bunny. He gives out the eggs because he wants other people to be infected so everyone will lay eggs and people will stop making fun of him.
I am pretty sure this is what happens when you take muscle relaxants and caffeinated chocolate. This is the day I am having.
Okay so Christmas is over, and now my house is decorated for a holiday that is a year away. I know that most people take down their stuff around new years but I am so lazy. So I think they should develop a service to un-decorate peoples houses.
Here is the commercial for the new service to un-decorate:
Voice over: Are you sick of dealing with those tangled christmas lights?
*shows a man struggling to wrap the lights up to put fit in a box*
Voice over: Are you tired of taking the christmas tree down at the end of the season?
*shows a woman dealing with a christmas tree and having it fall on her*
Voice over: Do you have no idea how to properly pack away all those breakable ornaments?
*shows a couple throwing glass ornaments into a box breaking them all*
Voice over: Then you have found the most perfect service! The Un-Decorators will come to your house and take down all your decorations and pack them properly. For an extra monthly fee we can even store them in a safe facility that is temperature controlled and patrolled by highly trained assassins.
WE TAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS DECOR SERIOUSLY.
Maybe too seriously, your christmas decor is so important, you have curated a lifetime of memories to display once a year. You have the choice between our different assassins each with their own training style ranging from street fighting to expert spoon stabbers.
So call now to book your clean up, our boxing day prices will cut your monthly rate in half and we will even throw in a second assassin guard for 25% off!
So someone invent this service. I don't want to clean up. There is no where to put all these crafts and there is no way that fake tree is going back in its box.
I feel a cold coming on, but because I am stubborn I am forcing it away.
Here is the process I am going to take to avoid it.
Sleep until 11:45 and then refuse to get out of bed until your bladder feels like it may explode.
Eat several fudgecicles for breakfast.
Eat christmas cookies for lunch.
Dye half of your hair a bit brighter purple than you intended.
Try to go to bed, but realize your boyfriend has rearranged your pillows and blankets and is flailing too much to sleep.
Go to get another fudgecicle, and be disappointed when you realize you ate all of them already.
Return to the basement to watch more episode of Friends and build a tiny nest on the couch, knowing you can never return to the upstairs world except to get more christmas cookies.
Realize that there is very little way you are not going to wake up with a slightly worse cold and resign yourself to stopping at Walmart tomorrow to get cold medicine in bulk to get you through the holidays.
The Spirit of Christmas
Is found all around.
From the burnt out lights,
to the glitter on the ground.
The gifts are all wrapped,
With haphazard care.
And the cookies all baked,
Split up mostly fair.
Now we all patiently wait,
For the time to arrive.
All the dinners and parties,
We will barely survive.
But after its over,
And the turkeys are cooked.
We will brace for the next,
Plans are already booked.