So I made a thing and it was good. The problem is, now I want more.
At work, they kept making this "Bark" which is just melted chocolate but in ways that looks cute. SO, I had an idea. I have this weird addiction to Kinder Eggs. They are amazing.
I wanted to try to recreate the amazing treasure of a Kinder Egg so I melted white chocolate chips and slathered them onto a cookie sheet, then froze it. Then I melted milk chocolate and slathered it on the white chocolate and froze it again. Then I ate it and it was GOOD.
It needs a little bit of adjustment for the thickness of the white chocolate, but overall I am clearly a culinary genius. I would show you a picture, but as I already said, I ate it already. Whoopsies.
Highly recommend to all. Unless you are trying to eat better (as I am) then it isn't greatest idea.
We've all been there right? You watch Grease, or Mamma Mia or Chicago and you find yourself thinking, "Man, I would like to use songs to deal with my inexpressible emotions!" Or "Man, wouldn't it be nice if my lawyer would just sing a song to get me off of murder charges!" or "Man, I want Pierce Brosnan to yell to me from the bottom of a cliff, begging me to forgive him."
But alas, we can't all be that lucky. We have boring lawyers, Pierce doesn't know we exist and our emotions are repressed with layers of pizza and ice cream.
Wouldn't it be fun to learn HOW the people in the musical worlds do it though? Here are a few tricks to make your musical lives a little bit more likely.
Step One: Perfect Your Dreamy "Off in the distance" stare
You cannot start a musical number without first staring off into the distance and awaiting your musical cue. It is the most important part.
STEP TWO: Bring a BoomBox with you everywhere you go
You are going to need a bunch of instrumental songs all cued up so you can push play at any given moment. Try to prepare your CD with a range of happy, sad, romantic and sneaky. Those are the four most important emotions in a musical.
STEP THREE: Sing as loud as you can no matter the proximity to another human
Do you ever notice that in musicals they are singing full out even though the only person in the room is literally three inches from their face? That whit must get loud. But, if you want to live the life you have to embrace the life.
STEP FOUR: Force people to dance with you
A musical is nothing without a snappy dance number. The fact that they may not do the exact thing you are will not matter once the number of people included grows to the entire surrounding population. No one can judge you if they are all too busy dancing.
STEP FIVE: Learn to tune out the boos and hisses
Will you have some haters? Of course, who doesn't. There are at least 45 people who hate me at any given moment. I mean probably. I don't actually know because I tend to ignore everyone who isn't constantly showering me in compliments. But if you want to live in a musical you have to ignore everyone else. Unless they are the main villain in your story, then you will have to force them to sing their own song with a lot of minor chords. Work on that.
STEP SIX: Submit yourself willingly to all psychological assessments
I've learned that it's easier just to go with the flow and let the white coats ask you the questions. They will likely let you go because you are not a danger to anyone but your own self.
It is the weekend. Want to know how to best handle the time of the two days you get to have fun?
HOW TO: Weekend
I haven't slept properly in a long time. Do you have some special tricks to sleep better?
Slumberless Sad Lady
Dear Slumberless Sad Lady,
Oh you silly fool, I have no advice for sleeping. Why would you ask me such nonsense? I have't slept in YEARS. Would like some tips to functions on no sleep? Here you go!
1. Give up on the thought that you will ever be rested. There is no rest. You will always have dark circles. Your eyes will be very poofy and bloodshot. Accept it.
2. You will need caffeine. I don't drink coffee and actually gave up caffeine a few years ago, but recent needs persisted and I have discovered Awake Chocolates. It is essentially a half a cup of coffee in a yummy snack. Eat or drink your life source and let it do the bare minimum to make your body move.
3. People will say you look tired or sick a lot. Invest in a good concealer or think up some really snappy comebacks. I usually go with the sarcastic and overly enthusiastic THANK YOU! Because it makes people feel bad and makes me feel like a bitch, which a tired girl needs to survive.
The moral of the story is, you will be tired but if you just keep moving you will probably make it through long enough to go to bed.
Good luck friend!
I am turning 28 in a bit over a month and 80% of my wardrobe is either ripped, worn out, stained, doesn't fit, or has super heroes on it. Not knocking the super heroes, because we all know I need them but I do also need clothes that are slightly more appropriate for work. I think the others are starting to notice that I wear the same 3 shirts in a cycle. It's okay though, I bought a fourth. Now everything is fine right?
I once again would like to throw it out there that if ModCloth wants to partner up in some kind of geek makeover, I would be greatly appreciative. I should see if their styling service is free. I need help. HOW DOES ONE DRESS LIKE AN ADULT!?
This is what I have gathered in my sociological research so far:
HOW TO DRESS LIKE AN ADULT:
STEP ONE: If your undergarments are ripped, don't fit, or are uncomfortable GO BUY NEW ONES. You will never regret buying new underwear. This is what the adults seem to say in hushed voices using codes (I assume).
STEP TWO: If you want to wear something, wear it. You aren't in high school anymore, chances are you won't be bullied for wearing a dress and probably no one will flip up the bottom and show everyone your underpants. I mean, the wind might, but not the bullies.
STEP THREE: Wear what is comfortable for you, not what is stylish for others. You are the one living in your body so if you hate certain things don't wear them.
I am still working on step one. I was supposed to clean out my closet tonight, but instead I sat down. Cruel trap that couch is eh? Anyways, We can all use a little help dressing better, so maybe if you have any good tips on how to dress or where I can find really adorable clothes for prices that suit a terribly low budget, please let me know ASAP.
It is the Etiquette of Sweating: AKA Sweatequette.
Here is everything you need to know.
STEP ONE: Relax a bit
We all sweat. It happens. It's pretty natural. I mean, some people sweat more than others, but don't panic. It isn't the end of the world if you end up with some sweat on you.
STEP TWO: Don't Be a dick
If you see someone is clearly sweating, there is no need to point it out. Unless they are your very best friend and they are in a situation in which something can be done about it, there is no reason to point it out. What is someone with back sweat marks going to do while they are out at the park? Almost nothing other than stress about it. Instead, how about you buy them a nice popsicle and cool them down a bit huh? Be cool, man.
STEP THREE: Treat Others as you Wish to Be Treated
If you know you smell bad, don't run up and hug others. You wouldn't want that happening to you. Or if you are in a public situation like a bus, don't force someone's face into your smelly armpit. Think of how sad you would be if that were you? Be conscious of your smell and sweat levels to be courteous to others.
Suffering from daily anxiety, one has to learn how to relax themselves. You have all these feelings swirling around your busy brain and theres often not a lot you can do to change the actually stressful situation so you will need to change the reaction to the stress.
Want to know how this is done? Me too. I have a few theories though.
Theory #1: Pet Animals
Dogs, cats, fish, hamsters, ferrets, gerbils, small bears, what ever you can get, pet it. I mean, some of them might not like it, but from what I understand petting an animal will help you relax.
Theory #2: Bob Ross Videos
This is a recent rediscovery. I watched Bob Ross as a kid, but recently when Dave started watching it again I realized it is super relaxing. You just sit and watch as his wonderful voice tricks you into thinking that painting is easy. Magic.
Theory #3: WitchCraft
Now I haven't done enough research yet, but I am pretty sure that the real way to relax is to be a witch. They have spells for everything right? Teach me your ways okay?
The perfect Sundae
4 Cups Vanilla Ice Cream
1 Tbsp Rainbow Sprinkles
2 Small Handfuls of Mini Chocolate Chips
1 Drizzle of Chocolate Sauce (Preferably that Hardens)
MASH TOGETHER AND SHOVEL INTO MOUTH
The Perfect Pizza
Cheese on top
Not too much sauce
COOK IT AND STUFF IT INTO MOUTH
THe Perfect Snack
Many Handfuls of Chips (flavour of your choice)
FILL HAND WITH CHIPS AND VIOLENTLY PUSH THEM INTO MOUTH
The Perfect Day
Quality Wifi and Working Computer
Unlimited Snacks Stocked
Well Behaved Dogs
Charged Cell Phone
Good Hair Day
Brain Full of Creative Ideas.
OBTAIN SNACKS, COMPUTER, PHONE, AND DOGS, SIT DOWN AND ENJOY.
Hello fellow socially anxious friends, I am here today to give you some much needed advice on how to make it in the world. Obviously I have done so and should share my wisdom. To keep it to myself has been my biggest flaw in life. Otherwise I am perfect.
Tip #1: Never Look People In The Eye. Always Look at their eyebrows. It shows DOMINANCE.
The best way to combat any looming anxious feelings is to make everyone else feel like there is something wrong with them. If people are worried about themselves, they won't notice the extreme amount of sweat dripping down your back and but crack.
TIP #2: Non-human Conversational Partners are A-Okay.
Find the dog, find the cat, find the hamster, find the computer, find the plant that looks especially wilted and you chat the hell out of it. People will think you are some kind of savant who can speak to the pets/plants, but really they just are the best crutch.
TIP #3: Get Really Good at Sneezing on Queue.
You know what no one wants? To catch your cold. You fake those sneezes, or better yet, coughing, and people will steer clear of your germs ass.
IF ALL ELSE FAILS, REMEMBER THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OVER SOON BECAUSE THE WORLD IS BOUND TO IMPLODE SOONER OR LATER. THEN NO ONE WILL REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU DRIPPED CHEESE SAUCE DOWN THE FRONT OF YOUR WHITE SHIRT.
Today I found myself spending an exuberant amount of money. Not on anything totally frivolous, but probably on things I don't need. How do I rub this behaviour in the future?
Dear Spendy Spendy,
Here is the thing, are you currently saving up for something important? Of course you are, we all are. I am currently planning eight trips, none of which have dates because I can't bring myself to stop spending all my money on weird new towel styles at HomeSense. My advice to you is, if you are going to buy stuff, at least by stuff you can justify, which it sounds like you already do. We all need Turkish Towels, they are all the rage right now. Who doesn't want a giant weirdly absorbent dish towel to dry their body off? Also, who doesn't need an organizer for under their bathroom sink? I am sorry what was your question again? Oh right, where is the best place to spend money right? No? Maybe I am not cut out for this advice game. So sorry Spendy, however if you ever need a not too frivolous shopping buddy, you know where to find me. (Hint, I am at home online shopping for dinosaur sheets for adults.)