I feel like
It makes me either
Or super lame
That I am in bed
It is 4pm on Saturday and I have been sitting here for a solid 8 hour shift. I have only gotten up to get snacks, go pee, and let the dogs in and out a thousand times. I am starting to develop a theory about the couch because the only logical explanation of how I have been here so long is it is a trap?
I am pretty certain that a magnet was implanted in my butt at some point, by the Netflix people probably, who installed an opposing one in my couch so that when I sit down I get a little bit stuck. Not enough that it is like, "Oh man I can't move," But just enough so its comfortable to sit, and annoying to get up. That way I will consume all of their content.
This theory may sound crazy, but you should know that I am a licensed theorist (no I am not , that is not a thing) so you have to take me seriously.
I assume that once you sign up for your free trial they send the magnet over via secret magnet assassin, and implants them in your couch and all so that when you do the free trial you are like, oh man I need to do this forever, and then sign up and never move again. Also, magnets are part of that weird system where people wear bracelets and then their joints feel nice, so Netflix gets to write off all the magnets as a medical expense while also making everyone feel nice for watching their programming.
I swear I am not crazy.... please don't send me back there I MEAN NOTHING.
Have a nice productive afternoon. I know I won't.
Today I made a to-do list at work, and you know what, I actually did it all. That has never happened in the history of to-do lists.
Now that I am an expert at being productive, I have a few fool-proof tips to help you out.
Fool-Proof Tips to be productive
STEP ONE: PROCRASTINATE
If you wait long enough, you will have literally no choice but to do everything in a rush because you have just no other option.
STEP TWO: DENIAL
If you don't put anything too challenging on your to-do list, it will seem like you did everything you were supposed to.
STEP THREE: FAKE IT
If you aren't sure the proper way to do something, just pretend you did it right and hope for the best.
STEP FOUR: IGNORE
If your to-do list doesn't get completed, rip off the things that aren't done and throw them away. If you don't have it on your list, then it isn't your fault.
STEP FIVE: LEAVE
If you pretend your list is done and just leave it, then no one can tell you otherwise.
That is it, five easy steps to being productive. Go do something now, or I mean, don't. It's up to you. I won't ever know one way or the other. Good luck!
I am two days into my week off.
I have slept through a lot of it.
After waking up from an accidental nap I present to you this short story.
One upon a time, there was a cow named Susan. Susan was the lovliest cow in North Dakota. Instead of producing milk, she produced a solid and supremely impressive flow of gravy. I mean, no one wanted to eat the cow gravy, but it was still pretty impressive. The End.
Things you should do on a Saturday:
Nothing else is permissible.
Dear My Bed,
Why are you so comfy in the mornings and not at night?
How do you force me to stay in you?
Are you working with my dogs to team up against me?
Please release me from your comfortable clutches.
My brain is empty,
I have nothing creative to talk about right now.
I sat down to type this and was like,
"Now Tanya, you should probably write something clever and witty,"
but instead my brain was like,
"Nah, how about instead you watch Friends and refresh Tumblr a thousand times."
And then I was like,
"Okay but seriously, you could have maybe printed out your nano novel and then you get edit."
and then my brain was all,
"Okay but remember, you hate editing. It is not fun."
And I was like,
"Yeah, but you don't always get to do fun stuff, sometimes you have to work."
but my brain just laughed,
"You bought ice-cream, think of all the Ice cream you could eat!"
I was like,
"You can't eat all of it at once, that is irresponsible."
Then my brain just snorted,
"Responsible-Schmonsible. Ice cream tastes good and like that T-shirt you saw on Pinterest said - Ice Cream is cheaper than therapy."
And then I was like,
"Okay but just do something productive."
But my brain was all,
"Dude I mean I steam cleaned the carpet. That has to count for something!"
and I sighed,
"Okay that sounds like you did some work but you and I both know that it was only working half the time so perhaps you should do something more.
my brain screamed,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO! IT IS TEN PM!"
And I scowled,
"You know what, don't sass me missy."
my brain glared back and replied,
"you sound like an eighty five year old grandma."
And I glared back,
"What's wrong with that!"
And then there was a standoff that resulted in my brain having a tiny explosion in the left frontal lobe, and the rest of me shut down.
Did you know,
If you try real hard,
You can achieve almost anything.
If you work on a goal,
and stay on track,
you can do it all.
You can watch an entire season on Netflix,
You can paint 100 plastic dinosaurs chrome,
You can bake brownies,
And eat a tub of cream,
All in only one weekend.
Don't forget sleeping until noon,
And accidental three hour naps,
or watching a movie from 1993.
Demolishing two bags of chips,
Avoiding the gym,
and a last minute family dinner.
Yes this can all be done,
In one weekend no less!
Impressive as it may seem.
As long as there are
more important things to do,
You can achieve almost none of them through procrastinating.
If you try real hard.
As you can see I had a productive weekend just not in any of the things I needed to do. Good job me. Top notch procrastinating. Really impressive. The surprise nap, that was totally out of left field. Oh, and the last minute dinner? Who saw that coming? Obviously not me.
Alright weekend, you beat me this time. Lets try this again next week okay? Same time, I'll bring the ice cream you bring the naps.