Because it's January, everyone is thinking about their New Year's Resolutions. I am trying to get more organized and a bunch of other boring stuff, but we all know what the real goals are and what matters.
Resolutions That Are Actually Achievable:
What are your actual achievable resolutions? Have you already failed at yours? I sure have... just ate a super hot cookie and definitely burned my mouth. Worth it.
It is the weekend. Want to know how to best handle the time of the two days you get to have fun?
HOW TO: Weekend
There is an unlimited number of things that can make a person feel awkward just thinking about them.
Here is some:
Do you feel uncomfortable yet?
The weekend is still far enough away so you can make plans. Pick one of these the things in this list and I will give you a weekend adventure.
Light Blue Convertible
Scrapbooking Networking Event in Minnesota
An Argyle Sweater
Find an abandoned lighthouse and hold a rave in it.
Climb to the bottom of a cave and paint predictions for the future.
A Four Leaf Clover
Watch the entire series of Frasier without breaks.
A Peacock Feather
Loafer sales conference in West Texas.
You know how every province or state has a tag line on it? For example I live in Ontario and it says "Yours to Discover" on it. I think there could be some better phrases that would be more interesting and relevant.
Some Canadian Alternatives:
ONTARIO - It's fine I guess
QUEBEC - NOUS PARLONS FRANÇAIS
NUNAVUT - It's too cold, turn back.
Some American Alternatives:
CALIFORNIA - Yes, famous people live here
NEW YORK - Home of hit Broadway show Hamilton
DELEWARE - Hi, I'm in Deleware
Do you have any other ideas? There are too many states and provinces to do them all, but if you have any suggestions leave them in the comments!
As I mentioned yesterday, the environment of an Office is filled with different animal personality types. Pick which one you think you are, your friends are, your boss is and that will help you better deal with situations you previous were unsure what to do.
This bitch never forgets anything. That time you accidentally threw out the original copy they left in the photocopier? Holds onto it. That time you spilled ink on their brand name shirt? Filed away in her mind. When you called in sick and then they ran into you at the Beyonce concert that night? They are onto you.
What to do with them? You need blackmail. You need to dig up some dirt so they won't spill.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Become their friend, friends don't snitch on their friends.
This asshole is the one who thinks everyone cares that they are having a good time. They tell the loudest stories and laugh louder than necessary at any mild pun you throw their way.
What to do with them? Subtly but effective chip away at their self esteem by constantly asking if they have a hearing issue. That way they will start to realize maybe they are being so loud.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURE: Every time they speak cringe lightly. Explain that you have developed Misophonia, a disease where certain sounds make you feel disgusting and sick.
This jerk is always sticking their nose in other peoples business. They think they are being helpful and supportive but really they are always just being invasive and excessive. Sometimes they try to act like its mutual by oversharing parts of their life, but they always share just under the amount that is embarrassing to encourage you to share on the far side of too much.
What to do with them? Ask so many questions about their life. Ask everything. What was their third grade teachers name? Their Mother's second favourite flower. The lengths of their toes. Get all this information and build a stake-out style flow chart complete with red string on your cubicle wall and mutter on about some conspiracy theories about their lives.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Every time they ask you how you are invent a new disease that you have been tested for. Then when they ask the next day, say it was positive. Do this until they start to realize you cant possibly have all the diseases then claim you were diagnosed as a compulsive liar and have had a real upswing of lying in the X amount of years you have been working there.
This dummy is so quiet it is creepy. But then one person says that Captain America isn't a hero and BOOM! EXPLOSION. They go wild and excessively opinionated but only on things that don't matter. Oddly possessive and always slightly awkward in their appearance, they never really seem to fit in with everyone else.
What to do with them? Trick other coworkers into talking to them first, listen in on conversations and learn trigger words to avoid. When they blow up mention something about a cute dog to soothe them.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Invest in a grapple gun, any time the nose starts to flare GRAPLE GUN to safety. Works like a charm.
So what are you? Or do you think you are a different one? There is obviously many more animals in the savanna and I will get to them one day. For now, I am a rhino. Don't you dare question the Captain.
I have never been one of those people who knew what they wanted to do since they were four years old. Instead I change my mind every couple of weeks and then quickly realize that it would be a terrible idea. Here are a few of the professions I have ever so briefly thought about getting into.
I enjoy driving, and I enjoy being alone. The main issue for this one is that I cannot stay awake that long when I drive. I have maybe an hour of good driving unless I am ingesting a large quantity of caffeine.
I like dogs, I hate people. This way I would spend most of the time with dogs. However I briefly did this on a small scale and let me tell you, the number of bitey dogs is high. You know what bitey dogs don't like? Being sprayed with a hose.
I actually went to school for this. Well, the start of the schooling process. I gave up really fast when I realized I would have to give a crap about other people.
Then I immediately realized children are tiny terror monsters that are essentially unruly assholes without the ability to know why everything they do is awful. Also, their hands are always sticky.
But then I remembered I cannot draw.
So I guess my options are ... jobs I won't enjoy while secretly plotting novels while I drive to the jobs I don't enjoy. Ahh 2016.. so much potential for disappointment awaits.
What do you think the song would be called?
It has to be catchy and snappy and fit to the style of music. Here are some examples of mine.
If it was a pop song:
Crazy but in a Fun Way (Mostly)
If it was a country song:
Her hair only looks good when she's at home
If it were an indie song:
Her sweatpants are her friend
If it were a kids song:
Winston the dog is the best dog
If it were a grunge punk song:
Her plaid is always dirty
If it were a rock song:
She isn't cool enough to be here
What would your song be called?
Because of the stupid basement flood that was horribly inconvenient, the world of insurance has granted me a silver lining. For once, something goes okay for me. I get to redecorate THREE rooms. Kitchen, bathroom, and the guest bedroom. The Kitchen and bathroom are mostly just tiles, but the bedroom I get to paint as well, so I was thinking, why don't I try to think of a new theme to have a really unique space that everyone will want to stay in. I mean, I will let very few, because most humans are gross obviously, but you get the point.
Pet Hair ChiC
Really classy linens just coated in a solid layer of dog hair. Maybe even some llama hairs and emu feathers that I will have to source from local farms.
Rustic Robot Vacation
Take everything you love from modern robotics, beach vacation homes, and rustic farm houses and mash it up into one super room. Who doesn't want a canoe hanging from the ceiling made of sprockets and gears? Or a wooden frame of a robot holding a teacup?
What about having a room filled with all the kinds of things a grandma would knit and craft? But like... TO THE EXTREME! So where you would think there would be one cross stitch picture, THERE IS AN ENTIRE MURAL! or where there should be one embroidered pillow, THE ENTIRE MATTRESS IS MADE OF NEEDLE POINT! Or what about a knitted throw blanket? NOPE EVER WALL HAS KNITED DRAPES COVERING ALL SURFACES! Whatever you can do to make it appear as your grandma hasn't slept in 45 years.
Now, I live with another human. We tend to have different opinions on style sometimes, so what in we just put a line right down the middle. Custom make all our bedding so its 50% one style and 50% the other. Half the room will be painted Dave's choices and half will be mine. EVERYONE WINS!
New York City Subway Station
Posters with ripped corners advertising the latest radio show hosts, photos of guitar players, everything will smell distinctly of urine, and the linens will be itchy with random spots that are crunchy for reasons no one ever wants to think about.