Branding is very important on the internet. According to... the internet.
Maybe it is all a trap, but I figure I should figure out my brand right?
LET'S GIVE IT A GO!
Tanya Ruiter - The girl you can't trust with your ice cream
Tanya Ruiter - Her socks never match
Tanya Ruiter - Cares more about dogs than the news
Tanya Ruiter - The internet's awkward middle sister.
Tanya Ruiter - Robot Dinosaur (maybe)
Dave is currently watching a movie about some men on a raft in the ocean. I don't know what it is called and I have mostly been ignoring it, but what I want to know is why the ocean has to be so god damn terrifying?
Did you know the Ocean is simply a nightmare factory?
BioLuminescent Sea Monsters
I don't know the name of many nightmare fish, but I know that I never want to be trapped in the ocean. Let's do a vote... Which Nighmare Sea Beast is the worst?
What do you think the most favourable office supply to be turned into would be?
If you were turned into a pen, you would start off as really desirable and important you would eventually dry up, and unless you are one of those pens that costs $700 you would never be replaced.
If you were the desk you would be very much necessary but constantly being buried under other objects and papers and people would probably spill things on you.
If you became the computer, you would be probably hated by every other item in the office because they would think you had a pompous attitude but really you were just so self conscious that the next model of you would be even better and you would be replaced before your time.
So if you had to pick one of those three things to be transformed into , which would you pick? If you feel so motivated, leave your reasoning in the comments.
Because of the stupid basement flood that was horribly inconvenient, the world of insurance has granted me a silver lining. For once, something goes okay for me. I get to redecorate THREE rooms. Kitchen, bathroom, and the guest bedroom. The Kitchen and bathroom are mostly just tiles, but the bedroom I get to paint as well, so I was thinking, why don't I try to think of a new theme to have a really unique space that everyone will want to stay in. I mean, I will let very few, because most humans are gross obviously, but you get the point.
Pet Hair ChiC
Really classy linens just coated in a solid layer of dog hair. Maybe even some llama hairs and emu feathers that I will have to source from local farms.
Rustic Robot Vacation
Take everything you love from modern robotics, beach vacation homes, and rustic farm houses and mash it up into one super room. Who doesn't want a canoe hanging from the ceiling made of sprockets and gears? Or a wooden frame of a robot holding a teacup?
What about having a room filled with all the kinds of things a grandma would knit and craft? But like... TO THE EXTREME! So where you would think there would be one cross stitch picture, THERE IS AN ENTIRE MURAL! or where there should be one embroidered pillow, THE ENTIRE MATTRESS IS MADE OF NEEDLE POINT! Or what about a knitted throw blanket? NOPE EVER WALL HAS KNITED DRAPES COVERING ALL SURFACES! Whatever you can do to make it appear as your grandma hasn't slept in 45 years.
Now, I live with another human. We tend to have different opinions on style sometimes, so what in we just put a line right down the middle. Custom make all our bedding so its 50% one style and 50% the other. Half the room will be painted Dave's choices and half will be mine. EVERYONE WINS!
New York City Subway Station
Posters with ripped corners advertising the latest radio show hosts, photos of guitar players, everything will smell distinctly of urine, and the linens will be itchy with random spots that are crunchy for reasons no one ever wants to think about.
So award season is upon us and with that begins the endless parade of beautiful people in beautiful clothes celebrating beautiful films. However I thought that I may propose some alternates of things that I thought we important and maybe you can all vote on them? Deal? Deal.
All the reality competition shows are intended for those with great skill. Whether it be skills in the arts like singing or dancing, or in food preparation, like cooking and baking. Or some of it is manipulation and strategy like surviving in a house with strangers for a few months or whatever.
The thing is I would never be good at any of these things. I can't sing, dance, bake, cook or interact with other human sin anyway that isn't uncomfortable for everyone involved. So I thought I would propose some reality show premises that I would be super good at.
At the beginning of every episode you are given a simple task like, empty a dishwasher or fold a basket of laundry - BUT - you are also given access to Netflix, the internet, and a cell phone with unlimited hearts in Pokemon Shuffle. The point of the game is to accomplish the task at hand. Sounds easy, but clearly you have never seen me try to do anything in my entire life.
Winner: No one, no player accomplished anything, well, Pokemon Shuffle I suppose wins because that game is gold.
Accidental Nap Trap
Each contestant is provided with a bed that is so comfortable and warm and filled with the ideal number of pillows. The purpose of the game is to try not to nap.
Winner: Everyone involved, because even if you lose and fall asleep at least you get to take a nap. Except those watching don't get to win because that is a little creepy to watch people sleep.
Snug as a Pug
The participants are all given a puppy, preferably a Pug (can be substituted for other squishy face hounds). They are required to hug that puppy and love it and have it fall asleep in their arms.
Winner: Everyone. Puppies are the best.
And my real best bet:
Ice Cream ARCHITECT
Everyone is given an unlimited amount of ice cream and ice cream supplies (cones, sprinkles, chocolate chips, sauces etc.). They are required to build the most architecturally impressive ice cream snack and then actually consume it.
Winner: Who ever makes the biggest, densest, heaviest and most beautiful ice cream snack and actually manages to eat the whole thing in a set amount of time. AKA: ALWAYS ME.
To continue life's cosmic joke that is my current employment, I am being forced to pick a new employee to replace one that is leaving. The thing about that is, I am being forced to interact with strangers, no, correction, I am being forced to interact with humans with the intention of making a decision about them.
If you ever saw me try to decide anything you would understand why it is the funniest thing in the entire world. Or, better yet if you ever saw me trying to interact with humans, you would really know that this is a mistake.
Here is an example that is probably almost to the word exactly how a decision I was faced with ended up.
Crystal (Tanya's Best Friend): Hey where should we order pizza from?
Tanya: I don't know, you decide.
Crystal: No, you came all the way out here and I picked last time, you pick.
Tanya: What are the options?
Crystal: *lists all options*
Tanya: Okay, so, which do you like?
Crystal: No, dude seriously, I said you pick. You need to learn to make basic decisions in life. How will you ever amount to anything. (mild exaggeration on the interaction probably, she knows better than to pretend I will ever amount to anything)
Tanya: *internal combustion*
Crystal: Are you dead?
Tanya: *high pitched noises emitting from brain*
So as you can see, the idea that I am required to make a decision is beyond ridiculous.
I also am just beyond bored with the questions I have to ask. Mostly because if I had it my way, I could ask probably 5 questions that would easily answer who I should hire.
Questions I wish I could ask:
Please leave your answers in the comments below, I will keep your responses on file for the inevitable day that I will need someone trust worthy to have at my side due to my immense success.
Canada is a weird ass place. One day it is a thousand degrees, the next it is chilly and you have to wear coats and sweaters. Crazy land.
So, because it is chilly and I am tired, I am watching another CLASSIC FILM!
The Princess Diaries!
Julie Andrews though. This lady. She is so great. She could easily walk into any palace and trick anyone into thinking she was the queen of any country I think. There is not a spazzy bone in her body. She is so graceful and elegant and I would for sure make a fool of myself if I ever met her.
I am currently at the point in the movie when Mia plans on running away with her cat to Colorado. The problem with this part is that she is 15 years old and lives in San Fransico. That is really far to Colorado. I feel like it is slightly excessive on her part and mean to her poor family.
Also, why does it always rain at dramatic parts in the movie? I think in whatever movie I write I will make it rain for the least important parts... or like.. every time someone opens a can of soda, it will rain just to confuse the senses.
I feel like the most important part of this movie is Joe. He is the real heart and soul of this film.
But seriously could you imagine getting told at 15 that you were actually a princess of a country no one has ever heard of? I mean, if you had to eventually become Queen and everything that is a lot of pressure. But if you got to be like, not actually in charge of a country but just the princess who gets to party and be wealthy and live in a castle that wouldn't be so bad.
I am now watching the second one. Because Chris Pine. More importantly, Chris Pine's enormous hair.
I am noticing they changed the castle for Genovia from the end of the first to the second. Also, there are no consistent accents through the entire place. Some people are American, some are British, some have a more distinguished accent I can't quite pin down.
Anyways, this was a really long description of a movie from 14 years ago.
Ooop, a Wild Raven Symone appears alongside a puffy Chris Pine with a silly accent. Great movie choice on my part.
So, I found the perfect house to move to, but it is slightly out of budget. I need about 50k extra on top of what the bank would be willing to give us/could afford. I need some suggestions on the best way to make some money and quick. I need suggestions.
Seeing as how no one seems to want to pay me for this blog of gold just yet, I need an income to supplement my current shitty one.
So please give me some feedback, and if you say you will give me the money you better damn well follow through and email me because I will be too happy. I mean, any amount of money is fine. 90k... 80k... $45... whatever. Just.. let me write for a pay check.