New Years is happening this weekend, so obviously everyone is going to ask you what your resolution is and everyone needs a good answer. Do you need some help? I have some answers for you.
Pick one and I will give you a lovely New Year's Resolution:
1. Peacock Feather
2. Purple Pillow Case
3. Bronze Elephant
4. Golden T-Rex
5. LED Candle
You will learn how to ride a unicycle.
Purple Pillow Case
You will learn how to draw with pastels.
You will travel to Wisconsin.
You will develop a passion for roller blades.
You will catch up on all your favorite shows.
You know what TV shows should start doing again? Opening credit songs. Think Friends or That 70s Show. Want to know what your theme song should be and what your credit sequence will look like? Pick a type of dog to find your new theme song:
Black and white montage of all the cast members looking calm and somber while a soft violin plays a quiet song. The sequence ends with a group shot of everyone sitting around a long table where you are at the head of the table looking upset.
Trumpets play while scenery of the town your show is based in flash before the screen ending on a wide shot of the Welcome to "blahblah" sign with you standing in front of it waving.
A high energy choreographed number to a psychedelic 60s style song complete with trippy multicoloured set.
Classic 90s style theme song where each character is announced while they do the whole turn and cross arms thing or the hands on the hips with a jazzy song about being there for your friends.
Just you and a piano as you tap dance through an empty street at night only illuminated by the street lights.
Dave is currently watching a movie about some men on a raft in the ocean. I don't know what it is called and I have mostly been ignoring it, but what I want to know is why the ocean has to be so god damn terrifying?
Did you know the Ocean is simply a nightmare factory?
BioLuminescent Sea Monsters
I don't know the name of many nightmare fish, but I know that I never want to be trapped in the ocean. Let's do a vote... Which Nighmare Sea Beast is the worst?
The weekend is still far enough away so you can make plans. Pick one of these the things in this list and I will give you a weekend adventure.
Light Blue Convertible
Scrapbooking Networking Event in Minnesota
An Argyle Sweater
Find an abandoned lighthouse and hold a rave in it.
Climb to the bottom of a cave and paint predictions for the future.
A Four Leaf Clover
Watch the entire series of Frasier without breaks.
A Peacock Feather
Loafer sales conference in West Texas.
As I mentioned yesterday, the environment of an Office is filled with different animal personality types. Pick which one you think you are, your friends are, your boss is and that will help you better deal with situations you previous were unsure what to do.
This bitch never forgets anything. That time you accidentally threw out the original copy they left in the photocopier? Holds onto it. That time you spilled ink on their brand name shirt? Filed away in her mind. When you called in sick and then they ran into you at the Beyonce concert that night? They are onto you.
What to do with them? You need blackmail. You need to dig up some dirt so they won't spill.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Become their friend, friends don't snitch on their friends.
This asshole is the one who thinks everyone cares that they are having a good time. They tell the loudest stories and laugh louder than necessary at any mild pun you throw their way.
What to do with them? Subtly but effective chip away at their self esteem by constantly asking if they have a hearing issue. That way they will start to realize maybe they are being so loud.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURE: Every time they speak cringe lightly. Explain that you have developed Misophonia, a disease where certain sounds make you feel disgusting and sick.
This jerk is always sticking their nose in other peoples business. They think they are being helpful and supportive but really they are always just being invasive and excessive. Sometimes they try to act like its mutual by oversharing parts of their life, but they always share just under the amount that is embarrassing to encourage you to share on the far side of too much.
What to do with them? Ask so many questions about their life. Ask everything. What was their third grade teachers name? Their Mother's second favourite flower. The lengths of their toes. Get all this information and build a stake-out style flow chart complete with red string on your cubicle wall and mutter on about some conspiracy theories about their lives.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Every time they ask you how you are invent a new disease that you have been tested for. Then when they ask the next day, say it was positive. Do this until they start to realize you cant possibly have all the diseases then claim you were diagnosed as a compulsive liar and have had a real upswing of lying in the X amount of years you have been working there.
This dummy is so quiet it is creepy. But then one person says that Captain America isn't a hero and BOOM! EXPLOSION. They go wild and excessively opinionated but only on things that don't matter. Oddly possessive and always slightly awkward in their appearance, they never really seem to fit in with everyone else.
What to do with them? Trick other coworkers into talking to them first, listen in on conversations and learn trigger words to avoid. When they blow up mention something about a cute dog to soothe them.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Invest in a grapple gun, any time the nose starts to flare GRAPLE GUN to safety. Works like a charm.
So what are you? Or do you think you are a different one? There is obviously many more animals in the savanna and I will get to them one day. For now, I am a rhino. Don't you dare question the Captain.
Pick a Snack:
You are very fluid and adaptable. You have different moods and different ways of handling scenarios. You have a personality for every situation.
You can be so many things but mostly you are just sweet.
On some level you probably hate yourself, but I mean, it's fine. Everything will be okay... as long as there is ice cream.
Get out of here. Seriously. The hell is this.
You have unresolved issues in your childhood development stages but you don't know it just everyone around you says it behind your back.
Determined, strong, an confident but also haunted by three ghosts and an irritable bowel.
You and veggies can go start a club of people I don't understand.
Pick a lady and scroll down to reveal your fortune for today.
Someone who wears a lot of black is lying to you. Don't confront them yet, they might get spooked, just know it is happening.
Be wary of old men who wear too much yellow as they are up to no good.
Always look both ways before crossing the street, you never know when you might see a flamingo in the wild.
Never let a woman in purple shoes hold the door for you. It is most definitely a trap.
Always agree to appear in a feature length film if Elton John is involved in any way. Also stay away from snakes. They are bad news.
You will find a satchel with a large amount of money in it. You can decide to keep it, or return it to the old lady you think dropped it. But I mean, you should probably keep it.
Sarah Jessica Parker
Get ready for a revolution. It might be worldwide or just in the realm of sock choices, but brace yourself.
So award season is upon us and with that begins the endless parade of beautiful people in beautiful clothes celebrating beautiful films. However I thought that I may propose some alternates of things that I thought we important and maybe you can all vote on them? Deal? Deal.