Do you ever wonder why the dinosaurs went extinct? Well, lucky for you you have a world class scientist on your team to teach you what happened all those millions of years ago.
Where did the Dinosaurs Go?
So the dinosaurs were all hanging out, unlike the other scientists thought, in a large group as they cooked up their dinners. Each a little bit judgemental about the others choices. The Brachiosauruses and the Triceraptops watching in fear as the raptors split apart their meat, likely from a friend of theirs. But they knew was that they new it was survival of the fittest, and luckily they had a long standing alliance with the Raptors. They made sure to provide the raptors with all the latest news and gossip, and the raptors would focus their scavenging energy on the unpopular Stegosauruses.
When the host of the party cleared his throat to get everyone's attention, they all applauded the T-Rex and giggled at his Kiss the Cook apron. He gave a short speech about the continuing peace between the dinosaurs, and that everything would be fine.
But a Stegosaurus who had crashed the party stormed in and stood across from the T-Rex and began to shout about the injustice and preying on the weak. She yelled at her fellow herbivores and their complete and utter betrayal of their kind, although she her gaze remained firmly avoided. The Raptors began to converge around the lone Stego, all licking at their teeth hungrily.
The Stegosaurus knew her time was limited so she called out to the dinosaur guests and yelled that the Raptors may consume her flesh but her spirit will remain alive forever, and a curse will follow anyone who betrayed the so called peace of the dinosaurs.
The T-Rex was highly superstitious and did not enjoy the Stegosaurus causing such a commotion so he swatted at her with his tail, knocking her unconscious. The Triceratops almost stepped forward to stop but the Raptors snapped their jaws in her direction, forcing her to halt. The Raptors looked eagerly to their boss and with a solemn nod, the T-rex allowed them to destroy the Stegosaurs.
The party felt a little bit awkward so everyone cleared out quickly, adverting their eyes from the gruesome display on the yard. Little did they know it would be the beginning of the end of their species.
The next day, the Raptors were seen slowly stumbling through the town, tripping over the slightest rocks or cracks in the streets. A Pterodactyl landed nearby one to ask if he needed help but in his state of confusion he snapped and bit the pterodactyl hard enough to draw blood and damage the wing. Scurrying away he went to ask for help from the Hadrosaur, who had always remained on the outskirts of town and outside the drama. The Hadrosaur was mourning the loss of his friend the Stegosaurus, and helped the Pterodactyl patch up the wound.
A loud cry from the T-rex started the town, including the Hadrosaur and Pterodactyl. The dinosaurs all headed towards the sound and found the sobbing T-rex surrounded by the five Raptors that had been his crew. He was screaming about injustice, and that he would seek revenge. The Hadrosaur told him that the curse was real, that those who betrayed the Stegosaurus should watch out. The wind chimes on a nearby building played and all the dinosaurs in the town jumped.
The T-Rex climbed to his enormous feet and stood menacingly over the Hadrosaur and roared into his face. But it was no use, he felt his legs getting weaker. He fell onto his stomach and began to gasp, calling out for help from those around him. It was a matter of minutes before all the dinosaurs except the Hadrosaur and the injured Pterodactyl were gasping on the ground.
The Hadrosaur looked at the Pterodactyl and with a defeated look knew that his time was coming. While he had always been nice to the Stegosaurus he had never defended her from the others, so the curse should get him too. The Pterodactyl felt that his fate would be similar, given that he never stood up for the poor target of so much bullying.
It was after the other dinosaurs stopped their gasps did a white, transparent figure begin to materialize about the carnage.
The Stegosaurus appeared in front of her friends and smiled, explaining that she would not be able to curse them in the same way, but to teach them a lesson she would change their forms and ask them to leave behind their dinosaur ways and begin a new life.
They happily agreed and with a loud crack of thunder and a flash of lighting the Hadrosaur grew white coloured wings and webbed feet, keeping its billed lips. The Pterodactyl's wings shrunk and its beak's length diminished slight and the colours began to appear on its wings with brightly designed feathers.
They thanked the stegosaurus ghost and vowed they would never again let their friends be tormented by others even if they were larger then them. The Stegosaurus vanished with a little laugh, and said that they aren't completely off the hook, as the world was destined to turn in a garbage place filled with these awful bipedal monsters who would destroy them. She said she gave them too many chances to stand and while she couldn't kill them, she wasn't exactly doing them any favours leaving them to these things she heard rumours of being called "people".
With an evil type cackle the Stegosaurus vanished and the two new birds were left to fend for themselves in a world that was going to be terrible.
TLDR: Dinosaurs bullied the wrong bitch. She cursed them, they all died.
Why does the easter bunny lay eggs?
Well, the story of this is, a long time ago a bunny made out with a duck and the duck was sick. He had a problem where he was highly contagious so when they made out the bunny caught what the duck's disease. However what no one ever knew before, even science, was that laying eggs is actually a disease not a thing of nature. So part of the disease the bunny got was that he lay eggs. To make the eggs less disgusting, he started swallowing homemade tablets of food colouring that explode in his stomach acid and splatters on the eggs. So the become pretty and also disgusting.
Thats the story of the easter bunny. He gives out the eggs because he wants other people to be infected so everyone will lay eggs and people will stop making fun of him.
I am pretty sure this is what happens when you take muscle relaxants and caffeinated chocolate. This is the day I am having.
Two thousand years in the future, a blonde(ish) and average height(ish) girl waited for her destiny. She had been cryogenically frozen in the year 2016 in order to meet her true calling, which she had been born 2000 years too soon for.
In the year 4016, she was thawed in a secret underground hideout that was hidden beneath an ice cream factory. The people who took care of her for all those years cried when they first met her, having never heard her voice. Unfortunately the first thing that came out of her mouth was a burp, and the second was a swear word as she realized she was naked and was really not happy about it.
"I asked to be frozen in my sweatpants dammit!" She yelled, trying to cover herself under a plastic sheet.
"But ma'am, the fibres would have fused to your skin permanently." The poor girl in the lab coat stuttered.
"hmm," The scarcely covered woman pondered, "Permanent sweatpants eh? Let's do it, another twenty minutes be good enough to seal that in?"
"Yes, the fibres will fuse immediately."
"Excellent, let's do that first. That way, I will always be wearing sweatpants." She claimed back into the chamber and pulled the comfiest sweatpants she could find over her bare legs, securing them snugly but comfortably. If they were going to be on her forever she would need them to be on properly.
The lab coat girl set the timer for twenty minutes and watched through the glass door as the sweatpants fused to her skin. The reanimation process revealed that it had in fact worked, her sweatpants successfully fused to her legs.
"Excellent, now what is my mission? What have I waited for 2000 years to do?" The woman asked, admiring the sweatpants on her comfortable legs.
"Actually, your mission is to design the most comfortable sweatpants ever. However you need to be able to try them on. How will you do that with the sweatpants legs?"
"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT BEFORE YOU IMBECILE!"
"I'm sorry" the lab coat girl cried, "You were so sure of your decision."
"You know what, it's fine. You know what's more comfortable than sweatpants? Double Sweatpants. Let's get to work."
And so they began the journey of testing sweatpants for the remainder of her life, trying them on on top of her sweatpants-legs also allowing the lab coat girl to try them out on regular legs. They developed the most comfortable sweatpants and once they did, the lab coat girl showed her how to operate the machine so she could be forever in the most comfortable pants in the world, and when she came out of freezing she developed a machine that would infuse the old pants off of the woman and allow her to get the new pants on. So everyone lived happily in their sweatpants.
As I patiently wait for Agent's of Shield to be uploaded onto the internet, I realize that I have to leave the internet's social media areas. I already saw a gif set or two on Tumblr and the cast was live tweeting the episode. So... what I am supposed to do without those avenues of entertainment? Why, write a strange story of course!
Once upon a gloomy Tuesday, a large willow tree cried. A small butterfly flew up to its weeping branches and asked , "hey bro, why so sad?" The willow tree sniffed and said "well I am pretty upset about this whole global warming issue." The butterfly rolled their eyes and got a little upset, "Well I won't be alive long enough to deal with it so I can't really help you." He began to fly away but the weeping willow called out to him. When he returned the willow tree smiled and apologized for being inconsiderate. "I know I should be grateful for the life I have, it just is a little hard when people are always cutting me open and writing their names on me. It hurts you know?" The butterfly looked at the tree's trunk and saw countless initials carved brutally, revealing the fleshy innards of the poor tree. "I am sorry to see that, I think I can help." The next time a young couple snuck under the willow tree to carve their initials in, they were faced with at first, a couple pretty butterflies dancing around their head, but then quickly it became more and more until they were swarmed entirely and eaten. "I mean, it doesn't fix global warming, but it makes me feel better." The tree shrugged as the butterflies cleaned up their latest victims. "Good." The butterfly replied as he prepared his troops for the next couple.
Pick an option to have an adventure.
An antelope with a bow tie
You head north towards a forest but fall into a pit that you think is filled with snakes but it turns out it is actually otters without any fur having a support meeting called Otters with Alopecia.
A Picture frame with a picture of queen Elizabeth
You go south east towards a beach and find a basket filled with three loaves of bed. Unfortunately they are covered in barnacles so you cannot eat them.
A Rubber Boot with a hedgehog inside the toe
You head west towards a haunted shack that is screeching with the wails of a thousand ghosts. As you approach it you realize that there is a swing set on the left side of the house that has a dog sitting on the swing.
A Red Brick
You trip on the street over a red brick, breaking your big toe. Stupid brick.
A Glitchy nintendo game
You jump into the air and are suddenly capable of flying. You fly through the sky for thirty three minutes but then you have to go to the bathroom so you land and find a McDonalds to use the facility.
I am two days into my week off.
I have slept through a lot of it.
After waking up from an accidental nap I present to you this short story.
One upon a time, there was a cow named Susan. Susan was the lovliest cow in North Dakota. Instead of producing milk, she produced a solid and supremely impressive flow of gravy. I mean, no one wanted to eat the cow gravy, but it was still pretty impressive. The End.
Once upon a time, in a far off place, in Northern Iowa, a young man was learning how to read. He was taught by a brilliant teacher who tried to explain to him how to become a part of the story.
She said that if he went into an empty bathtub on a Thursday afternoon with a full bucket of chicken, that he would wake up inside the story you have been reading.
He didn't believe her at first, but after reading the entire Harry Potter series he figured it was worth a shot. He bought a bucket of chicken and made his way to his bathtub on one lovely Thursday afternoon. He sat there for a few moments, and as he began to laugh at himself he turned his head and realized he was no longer sitting in his bathtub, he was sitting in the Great Hall of Hogwarts.
He looked down and saw that the bucket of chicken he had been holding had turned into a notebook and quill, and the dimly lit bathroom nothing but a memory.
He was relieved he had waited until this book to try out the theory as the previous week he had read The Shining. Although a new concern quickly crossed his mind. How would he get back to his bathtub?
Almost immediately he realized that he didn't care because he was at Hogwarts and who would ever want to go back. He ran out of the Great Hall and spoke to as many characters as he could, whether he recognized them or not and realized that he had been successfully transported to Hogwarts. He looked around a corner and saw his teacher standing with a clever smirk on her face. She tipped her hat and winked and walked back up the hall disappearing in a sparkling mist.
He never came back from the wizarding world. He stayed there forever and loved every moment of it. Eventually he fell in love with a lovely witch and they moved to Ireland and set up a small farm where they would grow magical plants and keep shetland ponies.
Let us continue this spooky selection of modern horrors.
You wake up, you try really hard to avoid looking in the mirror because it is never great to see that reflection first thing in the morning. You make it through most of your morning routine without catching that terrible glimpse when suddenly, a piece of dust gets in your eye and you are forced to use that stupid invention of a magnifying mirror to get it out. You are presented with your pores at 6am, up close and personal.
You are in line at Walmart, buying the usual products: Chips, Advil, Tampons, whatever, when appearing out of nowhere, that annoying girl you went to high school with who always has so many questions about your life. You try to look forward and pretend like you don't see her, maybe she won't notice you either. When suddenly, you hear the most terrible noise, the high pitched squeal of an overexcited former friend.
Is IT Water?
It's the middle of the night and wake up out of a deep sleep and want a glass of water. You step out into the hall and get the the kitchen without turning on any lights or even really opening your eyes. That's when you feel it. A cold, wet, puddle that you stepped in. Now your eyes dart open and you see that it is close enough to the sink it could have been a spill, but it also potentially dog pee. You won't know until you get the paper towel.
Given that it is October and it is the designated month for all things spooky, I thought I would share with you some truly terrifying stories.
This is a story about a young man who had a bad memory. He was always forgetting to check the mail until one day, his cable shut off. He called the cable company and they said he hadn't paid his bill in six months. The man replied that this was impossible he always pays his bills. They must not have sent them he yelled. He looked through his desk and when he couldn't find any recent bills he went to his mail box in the lobby of his apartment building and found an overflowing box with a note that says "Please see management for the rest".
Push Like OR ELSE
A girl you know had a baby a week ago and she has been sharing pictures non-stop on Instagram. You start out by liking them because that is nice. After a while, you are no longer really wanting to like everyone so you scroll on past her latest post. You then receive a text that says "Do you think my baby isn't cute!" You change your number and delete all social media accounts.
Dead and Alone
You go to the movies with your friend. She gets up to go to the concession stand and buy popcorn. You two had arrived early so the pre-show isn't even playing yet so you are left with nothing to do. You pull out your phone to pass the time with a little game or perhaps some Pinterest, but then you realize, your battery is DEAD.
So that is the first collection of modern day scary stories of the month. Check back for more spooky terrors to come!
What are "Fancy Sweatpants" you ask? How can sweatpants be any kind of fancy? Well, when you spend about 80% of you days in sweatpants you have to differentiate.
It's really a very simple and probably pathetic story but obviously I am going to tell it.
Here is how it went:
Dave (the boyfriend): Hey, want to go get some groceries?
Tanya (that is me): I don't know, I guess so.
Dave: Okay so let's go.
Tanya: *looks at pants* Okay but hold on, let me change into my fancy sweatpants.
Dave: *raises eyebrow*
Dave: What are fancy sweatpants?
Tanya: Well these pants are my regular sweatpants *points at $8 mens sweatpants from Zellers* And these sweatpants *holds up fancy sweatpants* are my FANCY SWEATPANTS!
Dave: *rolls eyes*
And that is how it happened. That is the exciting story for which I will name my memoire. Such an anti-climax right? But really that moment is fairly defining moment in that I realized how sad it was that I literally thought of my sweatpants as fancy. Because I seriously do.
I mean, maybe because they are literally the most expensive article of clothing I own to this day. They are Roots sweatpants, they cost like in the upwards of $70. I don't own any other pants that cost anywhere close to that. So yes. They are god damn fancy as hell.
This is a lot of money to spend on a pair of pants that are supposed to only be worn in your house. Granted, I don't only just wear them in my house I wear them everywhere that its considered moderately acceptable to do so. Grocery stores, friends houses, Costco...restaurants...
Okay so maybe I wear my sweatpants more than socially acceptable but in my defence, as previously mentioned, they cost more than any other article of clothing so I am just trying to be fancy.
You know what, I thought this story would be funnier. I guess I am not as funny as I thought. Way to go internet, you are supposed to build my confidence not destroy me before I am any kind of anything.