I am an extremely fearful person. Thanks in large part to a diagnosed anxiety issue both of the generalized and social varieties. It is a thing I deal with an I do my best to make it jus ta small part of my life and not the defining characteristic. However sometimes you have to face your fears because someone you love very much needs you.
This weekend I did just that. I faced one of my biggest fears that I have had since I was a small child, all through adolescence and still haunts me to this day...
Now you might think that is a joke, but it is ia legtimate concern of my life. But when your 18 year old cousin asks you to come over and help her with her prom photos, you do it because you love her and because there is no excuses that you could come up with fast enough. (I am kidding Colleen, I would never use an excuse on you.)
I was required to photograph the youths in their formal garb and have them all look directly at me. Now any human looking at me is undesirable, but a group of rabid, hormonal, sweaty teens? Forget it.
I made the mistake of dressing for comfort instead of dressing for camouflage, wearing literally the brightest clothing I own. I also did not put the time or effort into my own personal appearance as I was focused on the hair of the lovely princess I was helping. All of these things may sound so unimportant to you dear readers, but it was a thing and a half for me.
However I made it through with minor damage, the youths did not bare their teeth or pull off the masks to reveal their bone crushing tentacle beards, but needless to say, I am mentally and physically exhausted today.
If someone cal go ahead and find a cure to social anxiety that would be real handy. I want to be able to help out my loved ones without being 100% worn out the next day alright?
Colleen, I sincerely hope you like your pictures, and hope your friends will immediately forget my existence.
Pipes, you are being stupid.
Why you gotta be so mean Pipes?
I thought we were friends.
You let me travel to some special lands sometimes when I am pretending I am a moustachioed plumber.
You let me go to weird under water lands when I am a weird dinosaur guy carrying around an ugly whiney baby.
You used to even let me go to the bathroom without leaking all over.
What changed, Pipes, What changed?
Don't pretend like you didn't mean to do it, all you had to do was function. That was your one job.
Now I need to deal with insurance companies and stuff.
Uncool Pipes. real uncool.
The joys of having an anxiety disorder are just so many its sometimes hard to even understand just how lucky I really am. Sometimes, I get the joys of having severe chest pains where it feels like I am dying, sometimes I get so exhausted after one day of social interaction and sometimes I just don't sleep for five days.
Another lovely side effect of the crazy pants I seem to wear so well is that when I am faced with a lot of things to do, my brain shuts down and becomes useless. I instead of writing the 6 articles I need to write I spend all night sending creepy face-swapping snapchats to every single person I know.
Did you want to know what it looks like if I swap faces with Dave? No? Because you got to see it if you follow me on snap chat and thats an image you will not ever be able to get out of your head. Something like if a neanderthal if they had some mousse.
Here are some other tips for managing anxiety if doing the things you have to actually do doesn't seem to interest you at the moment:
So while some people say that being anxious is not fun, imagine, I get to do ALL THIS when I could have only done the one thing I was supposed to do. How jealous are you?
So I am trying to work on the introduction for a book. I need to write a sample for this submission-feedback thing I am doing by next week. I am having horrible doubts about my stuff so instead I am going to write some purposefully terrible introduction sentences here so I hopefully just expel them from my system. That makes sense right?
She came into this world screaming, crying and covered in sauce and she will leave this world screaming, crying and probably covered in sauce.
What's a girl like you writing a book like this?
My name is Tanya and I have an addiction to ice cream and sarcasm.
The universe played a cruel joke on my loved ones when it presented little Tanya to them. However, 27 years later the joke isn't funny anymore and everyone is still forced to deal with her.
If you don't continue reading this book you will have bad luck for 4 years.
Crafty, introverted, sarcastic girl with uncontrollable hair seeks patient, understanding, quirky friend to discuss Harry Potter, Marvel movies, and ice cream flavours.
Read my book you jerk.
How are those? Quality introductions right? Can we all just acknowledge that this is not going to go very well?
Hi, my name is Tanya and I am here to present to you a new and exciting project that has been recently developed by a team of genius scientists being hidden away to protect their identities.
THE INTROVERT REVITALIZATION PROJECT (IRP)
What is IRP you ask? Well, IRP takes your average introvert and places them in a cocoon of warm and comfortable gel that allows them the rest and retreat from the world that they need, especially after those long holiday parties and extra busy work days.
IRP has a special program that is able to fully scan your body, adopt your mannerisms and access your memories to create a robotic copy of you that you can send out on your behalf until your metaphorical meter is filled and you no longer feel like your brain will explode! These copies are so advanced that no one but you will know they are not real!
If you call now, you can order our special Deck the Decoy model that comes complete with holiday sweater and the ability to answer the questions "How is work?" and "How have you been lately?" without hesitation or sarcasm!
The IRP has a limited number of copies for the time being given that it is in its initial testing phase, but if you are interested in taking part in this trial please get in contact with us as soon as possible.
Possible Side EFfects and Known Bugs:
Gel has potential to cause some side effects after rest period, known side effects include and are not limited to:
CALL NOW TO BOOK YOUR TEST DRIVE IN THE NEWEST TECHNOLOGY TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM YOURSELF!
Guys, the world is a place filled with scary events and crap that I will never pretend to understand. Right now some pretty terrible things are going down and I don't at all comprehend what it is so I am not going to pretend I do.
I would instead like to highlight some things that people having a hard time should probably take like, five minutes to look at if they can. It will make their life a little warmer and their heart a little stronger because looking at these makes everyone a bit happier.
May I introduce my new obsession: Live Footage of Puppies.
All you do is google puppy cam and like a billion come up. Animal Planet being on of the more prominent, who also have Pandas, kittens, fish, hedgehogs, everything. Its awesome. I also found this other one, and right now and looking at some Australian Shepherds. Holy crap it's so cute.
I am sure there are even more awesome feeds of just adorable things you can watch to remind you that the whole world doesn't always suck, because sometimes there are puppies.
To those people who are dealing with all the things that happened today, whether it made the news or not, please just watch some puppies and remember that there are some things in the world that cannot be ruined, and they are puppies and they are available for you to look at whenever needed if you know where to look.
I am having some weird days lately. It's just part of the joys of dealing with my weirdo brain and not being able to say words out loud. Luckily this month is NanoWrimo so when I am awake at 2am I can write a novel. I mean, technically I guess I can do that anytime but now it fills the bar on that little tracker and it satisfies the perfectionist in my soul.
Anyways, here are a few things I have learned being awake at 2am now and in the past as me and 2am are fairly well acquainted at this point in my life.
I should go try to get cozy with the horrible monster that is sleep. I have a long day of avoiding my responsibilities and being unable to handle general adulthood ahead of me.
I just wrote a whole blog post and was about to publish it.
The blog post was about how things tend to go wrong in my life.
The blog post was deleted and not saved in my drafts as I went to hit publish.
How will anyone ever know of my creative genius if the internet keeps deleting it?
Let me try this again.
My life is consistently full of garbage. If I am not sick, Dave is sick. If Dave isn't sick, my car is broken. If my car isn't broken, my dog pooped on a rug. If my dog didn't poop on a rug then I don't know, I can't find my sweatpants.
Seemingly trivial things to a lot of people I am sure. I appreciate your struggles, really I do, but unfortunately for you this is my website.
What I want to know is, if there is Karma, or whatever entity you believe in, why does it constantly seem like shitty things have to happen all the time. Why can't a day just be alright sometimes? It never is just wake up and be medium all day. I am not asking for a fantastic great day, I am asking for an alright day.
Here is what an decent day looks like:
That is really all I would need to have an decent day.
A Fantastic Great Day would look more like this:
That would be a Fantastically Great Day.
I may not be a saint, and I sometimes do shitty things like drive too fast or laugh at kids who fall off their bikes, but I just want to go one day where everything is just decent.
I think there should be a rule where we get like, minimum once a month a day where nothing bad, nothing ridiculously wonderful, just only decent things happen. That should be a thing. Make it happen the internet.
For those of you lucky assholes who are capable of walking into a room without immediately trying to figure out what everyone thinks about you, CONGRATULATIONS! You did something I can never do!
Social anxiety is a condition that creates a tiny monster in the most self conscious people that just digs into their brains and pulls out all the data they were storing in their "I want ____ about myself not to be visible or known" section and reminds them of it with every step they take. That way, no matter what some else in the room is thinking about, all the poor sucker with the small monster assumes is that the person looking at them, sees only the shitty thing the tiny monster is throwing up all over their inner thoughts.
Yesterday I thought, "hey fuck it, I want some pizza for supper."
I pulled into the pizza place, and lone behold, my one worst fear. A large group of teenagers. Keep in mind, I am a 26 almost 27 year old woman. I need not be fearful of the pack of wolves known as youths. But needless to say, my heart sunk into my butt.
It didn't matter to me that these teens were ten years younger than me, not even acknowledging me, and really not that scary, I was afraid of the group of teens hanging out in the parking lot of a McDonalds. Why? Because the stupid monster told me to.
It doesn't matter how old I get, or even if I am feeling particularly confident (hah, as if that ever happens but still), doesn't matter what happens in my life, I am still always thinking that those stupid teens are going to say something snotty and I apparently cannot handle it.
So as I walked out of that pizza place, carrying my thick crust bacon and chicken pizza with a large dough ball in the center, I made eye contact with the teen standing closest to me, hanging out in the McDonalds parking lot with her teen friends, holding her new baby and thought to myself, why am I afraid of you?
And then the stupid monster flooded my memory banks with all the things I hate about myself and I drove away silently eating a dough ball.
Social Anxiety is the worst.
Here is the thing, as someone who tends to have a creative mind, I do not have much time that I am not planning something.
I mean, obviously when I am busy or whatever at work I do my work. But like a damn fungus growing in a soggy swamp land, ideas just seem to continue building and evolving without my full attention.
The best part is coming back to the ideas when you finally have the time to focus and realizing that the idea is already 3/4 of the way formed. Its wonderful.
The only downside that it is kind of like when you have too many apps running on your phone in the background, it drains the battery really fast and everything else tends to run slower.
So lately, I had a new idea for a novel that I had originally wanted to write as a movie but now I am perhaps leaning towards novel but mostly because I have no idea how to write a screenplay. So that idea is percolating in my mind behind this imaginary curtain that I use to separate the things I actually enjoy from the things I have to waste my time on, like working and stuff. I haven't had a chance to revisit my plan and I was starting to get nervous that I would lose all my ideas but then I remembered the last time I planned a novel. It took me two months of just writing crazy backstory that was irrelevant to everything just something I do.
I do not have the time right now to get into planning. Not for this week at least. I just got onto a new work schedule for a temporary amount of time while I train someone at work, and so I have to work a lot of 12 hour days which sucks but it will be over soon. But I think this Sunday I might dive into the land of planning.
Saturday and Sunday are already destroyed as far as time alone goes, but so far Sunday has absolutely no commitments. I think it may be book planning time.
If anyone out there is a writer and you know any ways to handle this constant planning thing I have going on, please help. I am exhausted enough and as much as I would love to devote all my energy to writing and creating other stuff (cough, podcast will be going up very shortly so get ready to listen to that - Timely Waffle) I have to remember how to do my job until I can train this new person how to do it so I can go back to procrastinating.
How do other creative people do it? How do people focus? How do people divide their minds and manage to remember which words belong in which worlds? I just get so jumbled and messed up. I need a nap. Well, I need to go to bed. I am still hungry but I don't feel like cooking it is so late. This is long. I apologize. Goodnight all!