Branding is very important on the internet. According to... the internet.
Maybe it is all a trap, but I figure I should figure out my brand right?
LET'S GIVE IT A GO!
Tanya Ruiter - The girl you can't trust with your ice cream
Tanya Ruiter - Her socks never match
Tanya Ruiter - Cares more about dogs than the news
Tanya Ruiter - The internet's awkward middle sister.
Tanya Ruiter - Robot Dinosaur (maybe)
As I mentioned yesterday, the environment of an Office is filled with different animal personality types. Pick which one you think you are, your friends are, your boss is and that will help you better deal with situations you previous were unsure what to do.
This bitch never forgets anything. That time you accidentally threw out the original copy they left in the photocopier? Holds onto it. That time you spilled ink on their brand name shirt? Filed away in her mind. When you called in sick and then they ran into you at the Beyonce concert that night? They are onto you.
What to do with them? You need blackmail. You need to dig up some dirt so they won't spill.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Become their friend, friends don't snitch on their friends.
This asshole is the one who thinks everyone cares that they are having a good time. They tell the loudest stories and laugh louder than necessary at any mild pun you throw their way.
What to do with them? Subtly but effective chip away at their self esteem by constantly asking if they have a hearing issue. That way they will start to realize maybe they are being so loud.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURE: Every time they speak cringe lightly. Explain that you have developed Misophonia, a disease where certain sounds make you feel disgusting and sick.
This jerk is always sticking their nose in other peoples business. They think they are being helpful and supportive but really they are always just being invasive and excessive. Sometimes they try to act like its mutual by oversharing parts of their life, but they always share just under the amount that is embarrassing to encourage you to share on the far side of too much.
What to do with them? Ask so many questions about their life. Ask everything. What was their third grade teachers name? Their Mother's second favourite flower. The lengths of their toes. Get all this information and build a stake-out style flow chart complete with red string on your cubicle wall and mutter on about some conspiracy theories about their lives.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Every time they ask you how you are invent a new disease that you have been tested for. Then when they ask the next day, say it was positive. Do this until they start to realize you cant possibly have all the diseases then claim you were diagnosed as a compulsive liar and have had a real upswing of lying in the X amount of years you have been working there.
This dummy is so quiet it is creepy. But then one person says that Captain America isn't a hero and BOOM! EXPLOSION. They go wild and excessively opinionated but only on things that don't matter. Oddly possessive and always slightly awkward in their appearance, they never really seem to fit in with everyone else.
What to do with them? Trick other coworkers into talking to them first, listen in on conversations and learn trigger words to avoid. When they blow up mention something about a cute dog to soothe them.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Invest in a grapple gun, any time the nose starts to flare GRAPLE GUN to safety. Works like a charm.
So what are you? Or do you think you are a different one? There is obviously many more animals in the savanna and I will get to them one day. For now, I am a rhino. Don't you dare question the Captain.
What do you think the most favourable office supply to be turned into would be?
If you were turned into a pen, you would start off as really desirable and important you would eventually dry up, and unless you are one of those pens that costs $700 you would never be replaced.
If you were the desk you would be very much necessary but constantly being buried under other objects and papers and people would probably spill things on you.
If you became the computer, you would be probably hated by every other item in the office because they would think you had a pompous attitude but really you were just so self conscious that the next model of you would be even better and you would be replaced before your time.
So if you had to pick one of those three things to be transformed into , which would you pick? If you feel so motivated, leave your reasoning in the comments.
Because of the stupid basement flood that was horribly inconvenient, the world of insurance has granted me a silver lining. For once, something goes okay for me. I get to redecorate THREE rooms. Kitchen, bathroom, and the guest bedroom. The Kitchen and bathroom are mostly just tiles, but the bedroom I get to paint as well, so I was thinking, why don't I try to think of a new theme to have a really unique space that everyone will want to stay in. I mean, I will let very few, because most humans are gross obviously, but you get the point.
Pet Hair ChiC
Really classy linens just coated in a solid layer of dog hair. Maybe even some llama hairs and emu feathers that I will have to source from local farms.
Rustic Robot Vacation
Take everything you love from modern robotics, beach vacation homes, and rustic farm houses and mash it up into one super room. Who doesn't want a canoe hanging from the ceiling made of sprockets and gears? Or a wooden frame of a robot holding a teacup?
What about having a room filled with all the kinds of things a grandma would knit and craft? But like... TO THE EXTREME! So where you would think there would be one cross stitch picture, THERE IS AN ENTIRE MURAL! or where there should be one embroidered pillow, THE ENTIRE MATTRESS IS MADE OF NEEDLE POINT! Or what about a knitted throw blanket? NOPE EVER WALL HAS KNITED DRAPES COVERING ALL SURFACES! Whatever you can do to make it appear as your grandma hasn't slept in 45 years.
Now, I live with another human. We tend to have different opinions on style sometimes, so what in we just put a line right down the middle. Custom make all our bedding so its 50% one style and 50% the other. Half the room will be painted Dave's choices and half will be mine. EVERYONE WINS!
New York City Subway Station
Posters with ripped corners advertising the latest radio show hosts, photos of guitar players, everything will smell distinctly of urine, and the linens will be itchy with random spots that are crunchy for reasons no one ever wants to think about.
So award season is upon us and with that begins the endless parade of beautiful people in beautiful clothes celebrating beautiful films. However I thought that I may propose some alternates of things that I thought we important and maybe you can all vote on them? Deal? Deal.
You see a lot of these tests online these days that are like "What your favourite super hero says about you" and "How much cheese you eat can tell where you will get married!" so I thought I would throw my hat violently at the ring and have it get caught in a gust of wind and land 48 feet to the left of it. HERE WE GO!
Pick one of the follow and see below for your advice (Go with your gut first instinct - No cheating):
You think too much about the Royal family in Britain. Let them do their thing, don't worry about it.
You want to live inside a tree but the logistics confuse you so you will probably just move into a regular downtown high-rise condo and you will probably be okay with it.
Beware of people with red streaks in their hair.
You should spend more time with old people. They know things. I mean, not the gross ones, but the ones with the good stories and the good cookies.
Fully Grown 300LB PIg
Cheese isn't your friend, it is saying all kinds of trash behind your back.
A Water Buffalo
You should spend more time inside caves and cavernous locales.
A Watering Can
You should redecorate your living room, use a splash of purple to make it feel rich.
A Water Bucket
Don't trust cows.
A discarded Left Shoe
One day, when you find the thing you are most passionate about you will have a day where someone buys you an ice cream cone just because they are friendly.
A half Burnt Candle
Even though people give you a hard time for taking many naps, know they are wrong and naps are awesome.
All the reality competition shows are intended for those with great skill. Whether it be skills in the arts like singing or dancing, or in food preparation, like cooking and baking. Or some of it is manipulation and strategy like surviving in a house with strangers for a few months or whatever.
The thing is I would never be good at any of these things. I can't sing, dance, bake, cook or interact with other human sin anyway that isn't uncomfortable for everyone involved. So I thought I would propose some reality show premises that I would be super good at.
At the beginning of every episode you are given a simple task like, empty a dishwasher or fold a basket of laundry - BUT - you are also given access to Netflix, the internet, and a cell phone with unlimited hearts in Pokemon Shuffle. The point of the game is to accomplish the task at hand. Sounds easy, but clearly you have never seen me try to do anything in my entire life.
Winner: No one, no player accomplished anything, well, Pokemon Shuffle I suppose wins because that game is gold.
Accidental Nap Trap
Each contestant is provided with a bed that is so comfortable and warm and filled with the ideal number of pillows. The purpose of the game is to try not to nap.
Winner: Everyone involved, because even if you lose and fall asleep at least you get to take a nap. Except those watching don't get to win because that is a little creepy to watch people sleep.
Snug as a Pug
The participants are all given a puppy, preferably a Pug (can be substituted for other squishy face hounds). They are required to hug that puppy and love it and have it fall asleep in their arms.
Winner: Everyone. Puppies are the best.
And my real best bet:
Ice Cream ARCHITECT
Everyone is given an unlimited amount of ice cream and ice cream supplies (cones, sprinkles, chocolate chips, sauces etc.). They are required to build the most architecturally impressive ice cream snack and then actually consume it.
Winner: Who ever makes the biggest, densest, heaviest and most beautiful ice cream snack and actually manages to eat the whole thing in a set amount of time. AKA: ALWAYS ME.
Given that I am not single, I am very out of touch with the dating game. However the internet has made me aware that many people are using Tinder for their dating needs. Now, all you have to do to find a date is swipe right on your phone and bam, you can chat up a stranger without any need for a cover charge or high heels. That is all well and good for those people, but after discussing it with a friend I thought of an idea.
What if there was an app like Tinder but for dogs to use? Not for dating of course, well I mean some could use it that way but my dog is fixed and does not need a girlfriend, he loves a beautiful girl named Zuul that loves him so much she literally tries to eat his whole face.
The real bonus of this is that the owners get to play with other dogs. That is half the scheme you see. Because your dog doesn't have thumbs, they can't swipe right, you get to do it for them. So if theres an adorable French Bulldog in your neighbourhood you have been dying to hold and snuggle, BAM! SWIPE RIGHT.
Okay so change of plans. How about instead of finding a play date for your dog, someone just builds a company that is essentially doggy daycare but allows people to come play with the puppies. It will be like dog therapy. Charge someone $25 bucks an hour to play with the grown dogs and $50 for puppies. Puppies obviously need the extra money to pay for shots and stuff. You gotta pay more for the young ones. That's what television and movies have taught me. This is starting to sound like a non-sexual brothel... would that be illegal then? Paying money to pet a dog? I should stop now before the government come for me.