Buying new sweatpants,
Is among the best things.
It is like slipping into,
A portable feeling of home.
The soft inside lining,
The clean and warm feeling,
A new colour to enjoy,
The elastics not stretched out.
The magic of owning sweatpants,
Is one everyone should feel.
Man, woman or child,
Everyone should give them a try.
As previous mentioned I tend to wear a lot of sweatpants. So instead of being a fancy , girlie girl, I tend to just wear baggy clothing with ice-cream stains on them. I do my best to try to become slightly more presentable for situations that require social interactions but let's be honest, I don't do very well even when I try my best.
I have been spending too much time on the internet lately. I shouldn't be allowed on Pinterest because it gives me too many ideas that I am incapable of accomplishing. Between the hair styles and the outfits other people are capable of pulling off it just leaves me feeling super inadequate.
Is there a way to make sweatpants and greasy hair look put-together? Only on super models I think... not on frumpy twenty-somethings who are just lazy.
My current outfit includes a pair of slipper socks, leggings that are covered in dog hair, a t-shirt that says "If all else fails nap" and a sweater that doesn't fit nicely at all but I was cold and I am trying to do laundry so I have nothing else.
I am watching 3rd Rock from the Sun, Sally just said "I can Woman" unconvincingly. That is how I feel a lot of the time. I feel exactly like Sally Solomon, an Alien trapped in a body she as no idea how to use. Except my body is not a 6 foot tall mega-babe. I look more like Harry Solomon with the height of young Tommy... that is a better comparison.
I watch too much television. I should probably learn to be a woman right? I think I am going to try. I ordered a dress for my little cousin's fundraiser so we will see how that fits and if it goes well then I have an excellent source of pretty clothes I actually like. That might help. I don't enjoy going into public places so I prefer online shopping.
That way I can be antisocial and not shop in public but on the occasions when forced to enter an environment with other humans, I can hopefully be dressed in adorable outfits that will make me look like a confident, pretty woman instead of an uneasy twelve year old boy.
So if anyone on the internet has some good tips on dressing like a grown-up or at least dressing in a way that doesn't look like I am trying to be forever fourteen I would greatly appreciate it.
I am a robot - but a shitty one. I am like a defective Roomba that doesn't clean it just eats your socks. Then it gets clogged and breaks because a Roomba is not built to clean up your socks. Clean up your own damn socks. The socks are a metaphor. See how good at painting word pictures I am?
Let's pretend that never happened.
Anyways. I am a Robot that tried to do stuff its not supposed to do and then essentially blows up. What kinds of things do my robot programming allow me to do? Write, obviously, look at this gold. I am also supposed to wear sweatpants and/or other pants that are non-restrictive and comfortable. I am also supposed to eat ice cream and hang out with only people I like which, let's be honest, are few and far between.
Instead I am forced to work like a crazy person at a job where no one likes me and get bossed around even though I am in all reality the boss. So explain that one to me the internet.
So either I need to change my robot programming to better enjoy being a piece of garbage robot that can somehow learn to pick up dirty socks, or I need to be relocated to a place where I can actually do what I am built for, light dusting and let's be real here, mostly just to carry around cats so they can become internet celebrities.
I am trying I guess. Not really, I am always saying that I am trying but in all honesty I have taken no real actions towards getting better at what I want to do. Although I did start this blog! PROGRESS! Also I entered a writing contest that I have very minimal chance of even being considered but you know what I tried and that is something.
Moral of the story is, I am not going to pick up your damn socks forever world so you better buy a new robot. Or I mean, try to get that maid robot from the Jetson's because she seems to be alright.
What are "Fancy Sweatpants" you ask? How can sweatpants be any kind of fancy? Well, when you spend about 80% of you days in sweatpants you have to differentiate.
It's really a very simple and probably pathetic story but obviously I am going to tell it.
Here is how it went:
Dave (the boyfriend): Hey, want to go get some groceries?
Tanya (that is me): I don't know, I guess so.
Dave: Okay so let's go.
Tanya: *looks at pants* Okay but hold on, let me change into my fancy sweatpants.
Dave: *raises eyebrow*
Dave: What are fancy sweatpants?
Tanya: Well these pants are my regular sweatpants *points at $8 mens sweatpants from Zellers* And these sweatpants *holds up fancy sweatpants* are my FANCY SWEATPANTS!
Dave: *rolls eyes*
And that is how it happened. That is the exciting story for which I will name my memoire. Such an anti-climax right? But really that moment is fairly defining moment in that I realized how sad it was that I literally thought of my sweatpants as fancy. Because I seriously do.
I mean, maybe because they are literally the most expensive article of clothing I own to this day. They are Roots sweatpants, they cost like in the upwards of $70. I don't own any other pants that cost anywhere close to that. So yes. They are god damn fancy as hell.
This is a lot of money to spend on a pair of pants that are supposed to only be worn in your house. Granted, I don't only just wear them in my house I wear them everywhere that its considered moderately acceptable to do so. Grocery stores, friends houses, Costco...restaurants...
Okay so maybe I wear my sweatpants more than socially acceptable but in my defence, as previously mentioned, they cost more than any other article of clothing so I am just trying to be fancy.
You know what, I thought this story would be funnier. I guess I am not as funny as I thought. Way to go internet, you are supposed to build my confidence not destroy me before I am any kind of anything.