The other day I brought Winston to work with me. Why? Because I like to make my life more difficult than it needs to be. Also because he is cute and funny to look at. Here is how the drive in went.
Me: Winston, you are coming to work with me! Get in the car!
Winston: OH BOY! CAR RIDE! COOL!
Me: Okay, let's roll!
Winston: OH GOD I HATE THIS! *whine whine whine*
Me: You were SO excited thirty seconds ago.
Winston: BUT ITS MOVING SO SLOW! GO FASTER! I ONLY LIKE MOVING FAST!
Me: Okay bud, there are speed limits I have to follow.
Winston: NO! DRIVE FAST! I'M FRIGHTENED!
Me: That makes no sense...
Winston: WHEN HAVE I EVER MADE SENSE!?
Me: Fair point. Shall I put on your favorite songs?
Winston: YES! HURRY!
Me: *puts on Winston's favorite CD: Backstreets Boys*
Winston: THAT'S GREAT! THANK YOU!
Me: Alright now stop whining.
Winston: MAYBE... WE'LL SEE. I WILL PROBABLY STOP FOR A BIT AND START AGAIN AS SOON AS YOU STOP THE CAR BUT I'LL BE FINE! MAYBE. PROBABLY. WE'LL SEE! CAN I SIT ON YOUR LAP? I KNOW YOU SAID I DON'T FIT BUT MAYBE IF I JUST, SQUEEZE IN THERE....
Me: SIT DOWN!
Winston: NO NEED TO BE MEAN!
Me: This is going to be a long ass drive to work...
Winston: BACKSTREETS BACK ALRIGHT!
Winston: HEY! WAKE UP!
Me: No. It's 4 in the morning. Go away.
Winston: But I want food and I want to go pee and I want peanut butter and I want to dance a million dances before the sun comes up!
Me: NO. It's early.
Winston: Alright if that's how it's going to be... *STANDS ON TANYA'S BODY*
Me: Ouch... get off of me!
Winston: *flops down and spreads his body across mine* NO! Take me outside.
Me: FINE! God. So there, out you go.
Winston: Hang on, what's that?
Me: It's lightly drizzling. Go anyways.
Winston: No thanks. Bed time!
*FIVE MINUTES PASS*
Winston: I WANT TO GO PEE!
Me: We just did this it's raining.
Winston: No it's not don't be mean, take me.
Me: UGH fine.
*it's still raining*
Winston: It's raining.
Me: Yes, as I told you.
Winston: Make it stop.
Me: Can't, my weather powers don't wake up until 10:30am.
Winston: Don't be a jerk. Make it stop.
Me: I literally cannot. Just go pee dude it's not going to kill you.
Winston: I MIGHT DROWN!
Me: I 100% guarantee you will not.
Me: GO PEE DAMNIT!
Winston: Come with me, I'm frightened.
Me: You know, some days I really dislike you.
Winston: I love you too!
Tanya: Hey Winston, why are you so itchy?
Winston: Well, you see I have decided to host a menagerie of pests.
Tanya: Okay but why...
Winston: It is fun to scratch!
Tanya: You are giving yourself bald spots dude? Stop scratching!
Winston: No! I like it!
Tanya: But your precious hairs buddy! You need those! Winter is coming!
Winston: I don't know what that means but I don't care!
Tanya: Winter is when all that cold white stuff sits on the ground and makes it slippy and wet when you try to pee.
Winston: NO! I hate that stuff. It is cold on my beautiful feet!
Tanya: I don't know that I would call your feet beautiful dude...
Winston: HOW DARE YOU!
Tanya: Sorry man, I am just a little annoyed about that you are full of annoying itchy bugs and getting them all over the house.
Winston: They are my friends though!
Tanya: They are quite literally drinking your blood.
Tanya: What did you think they were doing?
Winston: I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY FRIENDS!
Tanya: No.. Dude they are not. You have scabs. Friends don't give friends scabs.
Latest conversation with the Dogs:
Winston: HEY! HEY! HEY! LOOK AT ME!
Winston: ARE YOU LOOKING! ARE YOU SEEING THIS!
Me: Yes... you look like you always do?
Winston: WHAT! LOOK AT ME! *spins* LOOK HOW HANDSOME I LOOK!
Me: Of course, yes?
Winston: YOU DON'T EVEN SEE IT DO YOU!? I HAVE A DASHING BANDANA ON! LOOK AT ME!
Me: Ohhhh, okay. Yes, it looks quite nice. Do you like it? Do you want me to take it off of you? *reaches to pull it off*
Winston: *Jumps Back* HOW DARE YOU! I AM A STYLE ICON!
Me: Oh, of course.
Winston: GO GET ME SIX MORE OF THESE I NEED ONE FOR EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK! I AM GOING TO START AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT! HOW DO I GET FOLLOWERS!? WHAT IS A FOLLOWER! WHAT IS INSTAGRAM! HELP ME I WANT TO LOOK FABULOUS!
Me: Calm down. I will get you some more relax!
Me: *whispers* My god he is demanding.
Winston: I HEARD THAT!
The weather is confusing my dogs. The last couple days spring seems to finally be rearing it's majestic head, however it is still Canada which means sometimes spring is just slightly damper winter.
My dogs keep seeing the sun and then wanting to go outside but then they get out and it is still cold and snowy. So they get mad and come back in and then notice it's still sunny and want to go back out again. This is a non-stop process from sun up to sun down. Needless to say, it is not fun.
I feel like they think I am tricking them and hiding the good weather through some alternate dimension in a doorway I won't let them out of. Here is what it feels like to me.
Winston: I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE IT IS SO SUNNY I AM GOING TO GO PLAY IN THE GRASS AND ROLL IN SOME STUFF THAT SMELLS BAD AND PEE ON EVERY TREE!
Tanya: Alright, but it is still kind of chilly and there is still snow everywhere.
Winston: No, you are lying. there is sunshine which means it's warm and I can play and it is perfect.
Tanya: If you say so. *opens door*
Winston: *goes outside for two minutes and gets very cold and turns and comes back* WHAT DID YOU DO!
Tanya: What do you mean? I opened the door to the outside
Winston: No you opened the door to some freezer hell. Where is the sunny outside I can obviously see through this big glass door.
Tanya: Winston, it can be sunny and still cold.
Winston: No. Sun mean fun. I read it on a mug or a t-shirt or something once.
Tanya: You cannot read.
Winston: You know what, don't tell me what I can and can't do, open the summer door I will check again.
Tanya: I mean, it will still be exactly as cold and snowy but here you go.
Winston: *goes out, immediately wants to come back in* WHAT THE HELL!
Tanya: I told you!
Winston: You know what, I get it can be funny to play pranks on me but this is too far. I am so upset with you, I am going to go pee on your stuff.
Tanya: Please no...
Me: Hey Winston,
Winston: EVERYTHING IS AWFUL
Me: Okay but, why must you yell?
Wintston: DON'T YOU GET IT EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!
ME: No, everything is exactly perfectly fine why must you bark and yell?
Winston: I HAVE TO YELL A LOT ALL THE TIME OTHERWISE EVERY ONE WILL FORGET I EXIST!
Me: No, seriously I will never forget you exist.
Winston: OKAY BUT DAVE ISN'T HOME AND THAT MEANS HE IS DEAD OBVIOUSLY SO I HAVE TO MAKE NOISE TO SUMMON HIS SPIRIT BACK TO HIS BODY.
Me: Why don't you come sit down and take a nap?
Winston: MAYBE BUT WILL YOU GIVE ME COOKIES IF I DO!
Me: No, you are on a diet remember?
Winston: WELL THEN I WILL SNARF ON YOU!
Me: I do not care. You would do that either way.
Winston: Hmm.. true. Okay I will take a nap BUT I AM GOING TO BARK QUIETLY UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP!
Me: That isn't the point. You are the worst.
He has to go on a diet.
Trying to explain the to him will go something like this:
Me: Hey bud, I have some bad news.
Winston: Oh god what happened to my pillow!
Me: Nothing, your pillow is fine.
Winston: WHY WOULD YOU SCARE ME LIKE THAT?!
Me: There is something I need to tell you and you are not going to like it.
Winston: Well I mean, if my pillow is fine I don't see what could possibly be-
Me: You have to go on a diet.
Me: I know, it sucks but the vet says you have to lose weight or else it will hurt your tiny tiny bones.
Winston: I see how it is, I get a little bit of holiday weight and you don't think I am handsome anymore.
Me: Winston, please try to understand,
Winston: No! You understand, I haven't ever judged you once. Not when you ate that ice cream cone that was bigger than your head. Not when you spilled a lot of that ice cream cone on your shirt and then picked it up with your hands and ate it anyways. Not when you ..
Me: Alright, Alright I know. But on the plus side, you get to eat fancier food for a bit?
Winston: Food huh? What kind of food.
Me: It is nice, I can even put it in this ball you can chase around and it'll dispense kibbles.
Winston: Hee jee look at it go! Oops a kibble yay!
Me: See, not so bad right?
Winston: Yum there's another one! Man this is fun. Leave me alone with my fancy snacks.
Me: So you aren't mad at me?
Winston: Wheeee! Snacks!
Me: I am going to call this one a win?
Winston: Chomp chomp nom nom.
My brain is kind of fried trying to write this sample and query letter, so I was looking through my old drafts for something to spark some creativity. Enjoy! Man I miss having chips...
Texting with Winston the Pug.
Me: Hey buddy, whatcha doing?
Me: Don't fucking lie to me what are you doing?
Winston: Busy talk later.
Me: What the hell could you possibly be doing you live in the house and never leave unless I take you somewhere.
Winston: Dude, respect my privacy I am busy.
Me: We will see about that I will be home in three minutes and if you did something bad I will know.
Me: Almost home.
Me: On our street
Winston: Okay, I am not busy anymore but you should know someone broke into the house while you were gone and ate the bag of chips you left on the table. I tried to stop them but they were a lot bigger than me. They threatened to kill everyone I love so I had to let them eat the chips lest you be murdered.
Winston: I am not lying.
Me: Okay, sure I believe you.
Me: No you little shit there are probably chips stuck in your eyebrows.
Imaginary texts from my Dogs:
Wednesday September 23 2015 - 11:37am
Winston: Hey, how do I turn on Netflix again?
Me: You are supposed to be in your bed sleeping. Why are you in the living room?
Winston: I don't think you understand, Gotham was just added to Netflix and just because you have to wait to watch it with Dave doesn't mean I do.
Thursday September 24 2015 - 3:47pm
Noodle: Are you sure we can't sell him?
Me: Noodle, we are not selling Winston. He is family.
Noodle: I found a nice family in the east end who will give you a VHS copy of the Titanic in exchange. I think you would be getting the better deal here.
Friday September 25 2015 - 2:29pm
Winston: Noodle keeps taking pictures of me and then emailing them to strangers.
Me: I'll talk to her when I get home.
Winston: Okay, but she keeps talking about how great of a movie Titanic is.
Me: You tell her we already own it on BluRay. Also tell her if she is going to keep using my laptop to put the keyboard protector on, she is getting dog hair in between the keys.
Saturday September 26 2015 - 3:21am
Winston: WAKE UP ITS IMPORTANT
Winston: I SEE YOU FIDGITING
Winston: GET UP
Winston: NOODLE IS TAKING UP ALL THE SPACE
Winston: WAKE UP AND MEDIATE
Winston: She just pushed me! How did you not see that?
Winston: Why did you get me this phone if you were going to ignore me in my times of need?
Winston: Damnit, your phone is on silent. Maybe I will just try sitting on your face that usually works.
If only dogs had opposable thumbs.
Here would be a sample conversation:
Winston: Um, woman. you left. Can you please come back now?
Me: I am at work what do you need?
Winston: Well you see, I heard a noise outside and I am pretty sure the world ended so I need you to come hug me.
Me: The world isn't over, it was probably just a car door or something.
Winston: Car ride! Oh God HURRY UP I NEED TO GO NOW!
Me: No, we aren't going anywhere, I am not even there. Calm down, take a nap.
Winston: I AM STARVING.
Me: You already ate, Winston. You can last until I get home.
Winston: I am pretty sure I will perish before you get home woman, it was a delight to pee in your shoes, I am sure you will miss my presence and regret abandoning me.
Me: You peed in my shoes?
Winston: I am sorry did you need me? Did I tell you the world ended? Can you come hug me?
Me: Winston, did you pee in my shoes?
Winston: I don't think you understand how badly I need a hug.
Me: I will be home in an hour.
Winston: Good, you can then feed me. And clean you shoes they smell like pee.
On the plus side, I would never be stuck in an awkward social situation without someone to text. It isn't like he is going to be hanging out with other friends, or at the movies. He would always be available to chat with. Is that sad? I love my stupid dog okay. He is great.