Did you know that if you eat cookies in celebration they have zero calories? This goes for all foods actually, Cookies, Cakes, Ice Cream, Milkshakes, and Chips no longer have calories if they are eaten as a form of celebration.
I received some excellent news today about my career, and because my sweet dear friend Ashley knows the rules, she brought me calorie free celebration cookies. Delicious chocolate chunks and a chewy texture, that I got to indulge in GUILT FREE because I was celebrating.
Here is a poem about calorie free snacks:
Calorie Free SNaCks
Do you have an event to celebrate?
A birthday, a job, a baby, a wedding?
Do you have a snack you love?
Chips, Cookies, Ice Cream or Cake?
Fear not friend,
For the foods you desire,
Have Zero Calories,
When eaten in celebration.
The Celebratory mood,
And positive vibes,
Cause the angry calorie monsters,
To run away from you.
So eat that Cake!
Chomp those Chips!
Devour the Cookies!
And Shovel the Ice Cream!
For your desired treat,
Is Calorie Free!
As long as you are,
My life is a series of counter productive moments.
I go to the gym, and then I eat a bunch of ice cream.
How do people live life without making such ridiculous horrible mistakes?
So someone invent me some of these things:
So if someone could be a dear and make those things I would be really appreciative.
He has to go on a diet.
Trying to explain the to him will go something like this:
Me: Hey bud, I have some bad news.
Winston: Oh god what happened to my pillow!
Me: Nothing, your pillow is fine.
Winston: WHY WOULD YOU SCARE ME LIKE THAT?!
Me: There is something I need to tell you and you are not going to like it.
Winston: Well I mean, if my pillow is fine I don't see what could possibly be-
Me: You have to go on a diet.
Me: I know, it sucks but the vet says you have to lose weight or else it will hurt your tiny tiny bones.
Winston: I see how it is, I get a little bit of holiday weight and you don't think I am handsome anymore.
Me: Winston, please try to understand,
Winston: No! You understand, I haven't ever judged you once. Not when you ate that ice cream cone that was bigger than your head. Not when you spilled a lot of that ice cream cone on your shirt and then picked it up with your hands and ate it anyways. Not when you ..
Me: Alright, Alright I know. But on the plus side, you get to eat fancier food for a bit?
Winston: Food huh? What kind of food.
Me: It is nice, I can even put it in this ball you can chase around and it'll dispense kibbles.
Winston: Hee jee look at it go! Oops a kibble yay!
Me: See, not so bad right?
Winston: Yum there's another one! Man this is fun. Leave me alone with my fancy snacks.
Me: So you aren't mad at me?
Winston: Wheeee! Snacks!
Me: I am going to call this one a win?
Winston: Chomp chomp nom nom.
I joined a new gym just last week but because of some unforeseen car issues for le garçon I have been unable to go. I finally decided today was the day but when it came time to leave my Lazy Self fought very hard not to go.
Lazy Self(LS): Okay but what if instead of going to the gym and getting all sweaty you just lay down a little bit more and take another nap.
Workout Self (WS): No! I must go to the gym and work off the snack I ate.
LS: You know you are just going to eat more snacks anyway.
WS: Well what if I just stop snacking all together huh? Teach you a lesson.
LS: HOW DARE YOU. You couldn't last one day without snacking.
WS: I could so! You know what just for that I am going to cut out Carbs too!
REAL Self(AS): Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not go crazy here. We all know you would literally starve to death if you didn't eat carbs so let's shut that down right here and now.
WS: Sorry I just got a little carried away.
RS: It's okay, but don't be so hasty all the time. Slow and steady my friend, slow and steady. That's what all the Pinterest motivational pictures say.
WS: You're right. I am sorry.
RS: And you,
RS: Yeah, you. You need to sometimes realize that we have to move a little bit so that you can keep eating snacks. If not, you won't be able to pull yourself off the couch to make it to the freezer and you don't have anyone who would be willing to install a mini fridge beside your bed. They just won't. So, let's make a deal. We will go to the gym for say, an hour and then we will go buy some chips and stuff and it will be fine.
WS: Doesn't that just completely counteract everything you would have worked for at the gym?
RS: No, because let's be real here. We were going to eat the chips no matter what, so at least now you can say you ran a mile and everything is all well and good right? We all satisfied?
WS: Okay I guess that's fair, I mean, it still doesn't really work that way but sure.
LS: I don't love the idea but I guess we have to. I do think however we should revisit the idea of a bedside mini fridge. I think we can get Dave on board if we keep it stocked with beef jerky.
RS: Put a pin in it for now, we have to go sweat profusely and turn a shade of purple that most people think means that we are dying but actually just means we exerted the bare amount of effort.
As someone who has fallen on the plus side of the clothing scale for the majority of my life, my views on clothing are not as positive as some.
My Incorrect views on Fashion
I don't know if I can blame the media, but I am going to anyway because why not. It is so deeply engrained in our minds that "you only get to wear the pretty clothes once you finally lost the weight" or that "black is best to look slimmer" or "don't wear horizontal stripes, they will make you look even wider" or "Get your bikini body ready!". Maybe sometimes a bigger girl wants to wear nice things. Why does bikini body need to mean the tiniest of bodies?
The problem with these so-called rules, is there are beautiful, real-sized woman who are wearing bright colors, different lengths, many styles, and *gasp* patterns. These gloriously heroic rule breakers don't even realize that what they are doing is inspirational to those of us who aren't confident or comfortable in our own bodies.
No matter what anyone says, clothing should have nothing to do with your size, but your confidence. A confident woman can wear anything she wants.
I have spent the majority of my life waiting for some majestic weight loss to happen and then and only then will I be allowed to wear clothes that make me happy.
The internet however, has recently introduced me to so many sites with beautiful plus-sized clothing that makes me think, "Hey, maybe I CAN wear clothes that make me feel even the slightest bit nicer, especially when there are dinosaur-print dresses on ModCloth."
So, to those of us who are:
Your move ModCloth.
You know what doesn't look cute on the hanger? Dresses bigger than a size 4. I love you Modcloth but your sizing makes me feel like garbage. I don't even want to try on the dress yet because I don't think my self esteem can handle it today because just by looking at it, I can tell it will still be snug.
Why can't I be one of those horrible people who have crazy fast metabolisms and can eat anything without ever stopping or gaining any weight? Instead I am one of those chumps who can eat 1200 calories in a day and STILL gain weight.
It is pretty stupid but it is also my fault. I tend to try to eat the allotted calories that will allow me to lose weight, and I will work out, but only for two days, then get immediately sad when I don't wake up as a size two and then eat a tub of ice-cream. For some weird reason this doesn't seem to be conducive to weight loss.
I did go to the gym today. I did a fair amount of weight lifting so tomorrow I won't be able to reach above my head so I have that to look forward to. I am currently trying to work on getting my heart rate to stay at a lower level. I am trying to do the "Fat Burn" option on the treadmill because that is my main concern right now, but it goes by heart rate and I am pretty sure my standing heart rate is almost at the level that they want it to be to lose weight.
I know this means I am just THAT out of shape, but I don't understand how to fix it. I guess the way to fix it is not to give up after two days but it is really hard when you don't wake up in Jennifer Lawrence's body. If I could trade bodies with anyone for one day I think I would pick hers. But I wouldn't want to force her to be stuck in mine so we would have to set up some weird domino exchange policy where I get hers and then she could borrow say, Emma Watson, who would go a classy route like Meryl Steep who would go crazy and go for Jennifer Lopez who would try something completely opposite from her body and go for an Olsen Twin who would likely go for someone as original as possible (you know after a life of being a twin) like a Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga would probably want to go even crazier and go for like, Richard Simmons who would want to go for someone buff like Arnold Schwarzenegger, who would want someone buff but younger, like Chris Hemsworth who would probably go for someone like Benedict Cumberbatch because he would want the lack of upper body weight. Those muscles must be heavy, dreamy but heavy. So Now we have a whole big line of weird soulless bodies in a pile, and then you just know someone would come and steal them for their own purposes so we would have to get people to fill them for the time being. Like seat fillers at the oscars. Except body fillers to prevent someone from living in the celebrity bodies while they made room for me to have one day in a beautiful body.
This took a weird turn. I don't even want to reread this to see if there are mistakes be this whole thing was a mistake.
Did you read this? You are crazy. You can have my body... You earned it. I don't really need it back. I don't think JLaw would mind. As long as she takes her acting talents with her I am sure she would be okay.
Last night I went to M&M Meat shops and bought one of those evil fudge cake things with roughly 5 billion calories in it. As of 8:26pm today there are only three pieces left. I have eaten nothing but cake today. It isn't even that their isn't any other food in the house. I just didn't eat anything other than cake for any reason other then I am an idiot.
I have been trying to lose weight and go to the gym more but instead, I have been eating cake and fudgecicles like a damn fiend. I know that in the summer I have to go to Dave's brother's wedding. I will likely need to wear a dress and there will be pictures taken of me. This is my NIGHTMARE. I hate dresses and I hate pictures taken of me. I hate the way I look in general let alone in pictures. Pictures are an evil way to showcase how ugly I tend to look in all clothes.
So, I am not fully sure why I am still eating all this cake when I want to be thinner. Makes no sense. Literally none. I really SHOULD have spent today at the gym or making meal plans and exercise schedules. Instead I spent the day catching up on television shows from the last few months that I have been too busy watching FRIENDS on Netflix. New Girl - Check, Glee - Check, Mindy Project - Check. Exercise plan - NOPE.
Still overweight and still lazy as hell. I should be more ashamed of my cake eating but instead I just want to eat the rest of that damn cake. Fucking delicious cake.