Dear M&M Meat shops,
I hope you are well. I myself am in an interesting predicament that is entirely your fault. That is why I am writing this letter to you in an open forum. That way you will be forced to admit that you are responsible for this situation and not brush it under the rug.
Your food is simply TOO good.
And by food, I am referencing most importantly, the Triple Chocolate Fudge Cake.
So this cake causes a usually normal human to degrade themselves into a sad secretive fool eating it out of the box beside the sink scrambling like a cockroach when their significant other unexpectedly returns before they were ready. This cake takes an upstanding citizen and causes them to punch any baby in their path to get to this cake*.
This cake... This cake breathes new life into a dying human. This cake paints optimism on the most cynical of beasts and allows them to feel something if only for a moment.
The PROBLEM with this cake falls into three categories.
1. This cake has in the upwards of 500000000 calories and does not sit well in my body as forty pounds of cake fat does not place itself well on a five foot two frame.
2. This cake is so god damn addictive that even if you just try to have one or two bites you then come to twenty minutes later with chocolate crumbs stuck in your bra as you sob fully clothed in the bathtub wondering what the hell happened.
3. This cake causes every third person who eats it to turn into a silverback gorilla.
One of these is a lie.
So, my dear M&M Meat Shops, I ask if you are aware of the condition you have caused. You have altered humanity with the creation of this cake. You have created a new form of addiction. You have altered the lives of many people who were destined to become fitness models, or athletic soft ball players to instead be reduced to a cake eating fiend.
The sad girl eating cake out of the box over her sink.
PS: If you ever stop making that damned cake I will personally do something so mediocrely useless and completely ineffective but it will be done.