If life is a circus,
Your house is the tent,
Then your dogs are the elephants,
The clowns are your friends,
The acrobats are the are your favourite stars,
And you should be the ring leader.
So make your own circus,
Pick your own acts,
And rock the hell out that top hat.
Have you ever watched something and then realized that you want nothing more than to work or at the bare minimum meet a group of people? Mamrie Hart, Grace Helbig and Hannah Hart are just such magical creatures and I am so happy they are such a cool group.
Like... seriously though? How did these humans get so awesome? Am I gushing? I am gushing. I would be embarrassed but you know, they deserve all the praise. I would like to make a movie with them some day. Or a TV show... Or a YouTube series.. or anything.
Grace, Mamrie and Hannah, I am in love with your amazing movie and all of you and if you ever want to meet a weirdo who has a million questions on how you make such amazing stuff please let me know!
You know what TV shows should start doing again? Opening credit songs. Think Friends or That 70s Show. Want to know what your theme song should be and what your credit sequence will look like? Pick a type of dog to find your new theme song:
Black and white montage of all the cast members looking calm and somber while a soft violin plays a quiet song. The sequence ends with a group shot of everyone sitting around a long table where you are at the head of the table looking upset.
Trumpets play while scenery of the town your show is based in flash before the screen ending on a wide shot of the Welcome to "blahblah" sign with you standing in front of it waving.
A high energy choreographed number to a psychedelic 60s style song complete with trippy multicoloured set.
Classic 90s style theme song where each character is announced while they do the whole turn and cross arms thing or the hands on the hips with a jazzy song about being there for your friends.
Just you and a piano as you tap dance through an empty street at night only illuminated by the street lights.
How many cinnamon buns,
Is too many cinnamon buns.
Asking for a friend.
Answer soon plz.
I need to know if I... I mean my friend,
Can eat another one.
Want to know your future? Pick a door. You are stuck with your first instinct. No switching!
Door Number 1
Door Number 2
Door Number 3
Door Number 1
You will one day find the perfect recipe for chocolate chip cookies. You will share it with a friend who will publish it and become rich. They will not give you credit and you will be forced to live with that fact.
But you will however get a pet one day that will make you smile every day. Except when it vomits in your shoe... but you will forgive it because it will make you millions by becoming an instagram celebrity.
Door Number 2
You will discover the cure to a terrible disease but no one will believe you.
But you will then create the next dating app that gets super popular and makes you a lot of money.
Door Number 3
You will get a disease when you go on vacation.
But the disease will be the ability to turn things into chocolate at your own discretion. That piece of paper? Dark chocolate. That fork? Milk chocolate. That coffee mug? White chocolate. Nicely done. You chose correctly.
The best way to make your day a little bit better is to prepare in advance. Don't understand what I mean? Let me paint you a picture.
Meet Tanya, an emotional eating pessimist who tends to buy snacks and eat them all in one night. So one day when she buys herself a special treat and puts it in the fridge for later she didn't know how this would impact her future life. Weeks later Tanya is looking for something in the fridge and happens upon the magical snack her entire day is upgraded to a level that is only achieved when one finds chocolate treats in their fridge.
So now I am going to go eat my secret fridge chocolate. Or maybe I will leave it in the fridge for another day because it won't take long because my memory is worse than most fish.
I have a problem. I have been feeling incredibly guilty lately for a variety of reasons. How do you deal with guilt? I mean, I even feel guilty for not stealing the tiny monkey from the zoo? I am feeling guilty over not committing a crime! It is becoming a big problem.
Hi there Guilty Gertie,
Nice to hear from you, here is a few tips I have gathered over the years to stop the guilty feelings.
Tip #1: Realize that you will never once make anyone happy ever. That way, if you make someone smile even the slightest bit, you will be floored.
Tip #2: Shut down the parts of your brain that comprehend emotion. Replace that with the ever present sarcasm that will serve your bitter heart.
Tip #3: Always carry wire cutters so you can cut open the monkey enclosures at the zoo. Also, before you return to the zoo look up monkey enclosure information and exactly what they eat. You are likely going to need to turn your spare bedroom into a monkey home.
So good luck in your monkey hunt!
Also, don't steal my monkey. I will then be forced to hunt you.
Don't feel guilty! Get that monkey!
We've all been there right? You watch Grease, or Mamma Mia or Chicago and you find yourself thinking, "Man, I would like to use songs to deal with my inexpressible emotions!" Or "Man, wouldn't it be nice if my lawyer would just sing a song to get me off of murder charges!" or "Man, I want Pierce Brosnan to yell to me from the bottom of a cliff, begging me to forgive him."
But alas, we can't all be that lucky. We have boring lawyers, Pierce doesn't know we exist and our emotions are repressed with layers of pizza and ice cream.
Wouldn't it be fun to learn HOW the people in the musical worlds do it though? Here are a few tricks to make your musical lives a little bit more likely.
Step One: Perfect Your Dreamy "Off in the distance" stare
You cannot start a musical number without first staring off into the distance and awaiting your musical cue. It is the most important part.
STEP TWO: Bring a BoomBox with you everywhere you go
You are going to need a bunch of instrumental songs all cued up so you can push play at any given moment. Try to prepare your CD with a range of happy, sad, romantic and sneaky. Those are the four most important emotions in a musical.
STEP THREE: Sing as loud as you can no matter the proximity to another human
Do you ever notice that in musicals they are singing full out even though the only person in the room is literally three inches from their face? That whit must get loud. But, if you want to live the life you have to embrace the life.
STEP FOUR: Force people to dance with you
A musical is nothing without a snappy dance number. The fact that they may not do the exact thing you are will not matter once the number of people included grows to the entire surrounding population. No one can judge you if they are all too busy dancing.
STEP FIVE: Learn to tune out the boos and hisses
Will you have some haters? Of course, who doesn't. There are at least 45 people who hate me at any given moment. I mean probably. I don't actually know because I tend to ignore everyone who isn't constantly showering me in compliments. But if you want to live in a musical you have to ignore everyone else. Unless they are the main villain in your story, then you will have to force them to sing their own song with a lot of minor chords. Work on that.
STEP SIX: Submit yourself willingly to all psychological assessments
I've learned that it's easier just to go with the flow and let the white coats ask you the questions. They will likely let you go because you are not a danger to anyone but your own self.
Tanya: Hey Winston, why are you so itchy?
Winston: Well, you see I have decided to host a menagerie of pests.
Tanya: Okay but why...
Winston: It is fun to scratch!
Tanya: You are giving yourself bald spots dude? Stop scratching!
Winston: No! I like it!
Tanya: But your precious hairs buddy! You need those! Winter is coming!
Winston: I don't know what that means but I don't care!
Tanya: Winter is when all that cold white stuff sits on the ground and makes it slippy and wet when you try to pee.
Winston: NO! I hate that stuff. It is cold on my beautiful feet!
Tanya: I don't know that I would call your feet beautiful dude...
Winston: HOW DARE YOU!
Tanya: Sorry man, I am just a little annoyed about that you are full of annoying itchy bugs and getting them all over the house.
Winston: They are my friends though!
Tanya: They are quite literally drinking your blood.
Tanya: What did you think they were doing?
Winston: I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY FRIENDS!
Tanya: No.. Dude they are not. You have scabs. Friends don't give friends scabs.