For those of you lucky assholes who are capable of walking into a room without immediately trying to figure out what everyone thinks about you, CONGRATULATIONS! You did something I can never do!
Social anxiety is a condition that creates a tiny monster in the most self conscious people that just digs into their brains and pulls out all the data they were storing in their "I want ____ about myself not to be visible or known" section and reminds them of it with every step they take. That way, no matter what some else in the room is thinking about, all the poor sucker with the small monster assumes is that the person looking at them, sees only the shitty thing the tiny monster is throwing up all over their inner thoughts.
Yesterday I thought, "hey fuck it, I want some pizza for supper."
I pulled into the pizza place, and lone behold, my one worst fear. A large group of teenagers. Keep in mind, I am a 26 almost 27 year old woman. I need not be fearful of the pack of wolves known as youths. But needless to say, my heart sunk into my butt.
It didn't matter to me that these teens were ten years younger than me, not even acknowledging me, and really not that scary, I was afraid of the group of teens hanging out in the parking lot of a McDonalds. Why? Because the stupid monster told me to.
It doesn't matter how old I get, or even if I am feeling particularly confident (hah, as if that ever happens but still), doesn't matter what happens in my life, I am still always thinking that those stupid teens are going to say something snotty and I apparently cannot handle it.
So as I walked out of that pizza place, carrying my thick crust bacon and chicken pizza with a large dough ball in the center, I made eye contact with the teen standing closest to me, hanging out in the McDonalds parking lot with her teen friends, holding her new baby and thought to myself, why am I afraid of you?
And then the stupid monster flooded my memory banks with all the things I hate about myself and I drove away silently eating a dough ball.
Social Anxiety is the worst.