As I mentioned yesterday, the environment of an Office is filled with different animal personality types. Pick which one you think you are, your friends are, your boss is and that will help you better deal with situations you previous were unsure what to do.
This bitch never forgets anything. That time you accidentally threw out the original copy they left in the photocopier? Holds onto it. That time you spilled ink on their brand name shirt? Filed away in her mind. When you called in sick and then they ran into you at the Beyonce concert that night? They are onto you.
What to do with them? You need blackmail. You need to dig up some dirt so they won't spill.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Become their friend, friends don't snitch on their friends.
This asshole is the one who thinks everyone cares that they are having a good time. They tell the loudest stories and laugh louder than necessary at any mild pun you throw their way.
What to do with them? Subtly but effective chip away at their self esteem by constantly asking if they have a hearing issue. That way they will start to realize maybe they are being so loud.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURE: Every time they speak cringe lightly. Explain that you have developed Misophonia, a disease where certain sounds make you feel disgusting and sick.
This jerk is always sticking their nose in other peoples business. They think they are being helpful and supportive but really they are always just being invasive and excessive. Sometimes they try to act like its mutual by oversharing parts of their life, but they always share just under the amount that is embarrassing to encourage you to share on the far side of too much.
What to do with them? Ask so many questions about their life. Ask everything. What was their third grade teachers name? Their Mother's second favourite flower. The lengths of their toes. Get all this information and build a stake-out style flow chart complete with red string on your cubicle wall and mutter on about some conspiracy theories about their lives.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Every time they ask you how you are invent a new disease that you have been tested for. Then when they ask the next day, say it was positive. Do this until they start to realize you cant possibly have all the diseases then claim you were diagnosed as a compulsive liar and have had a real upswing of lying in the X amount of years you have been working there.
This dummy is so quiet it is creepy. But then one person says that Captain America isn't a hero and BOOM! EXPLOSION. They go wild and excessively opinionated but only on things that don't matter. Oddly possessive and always slightly awkward in their appearance, they never really seem to fit in with everyone else.
What to do with them? Trick other coworkers into talking to them first, listen in on conversations and learn trigger words to avoid. When they blow up mention something about a cute dog to soothe them.
EXTREME COUNTER MEASURES: Invest in a grapple gun, any time the nose starts to flare GRAPLE GUN to safety. Works like a charm.
So what are you? Or do you think you are a different one? There is obviously many more animals in the savanna and I will get to them one day. For now, I am a rhino. Don't you dare question the Captain.